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Movie Review - Mansquito (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Tibor Takács |
| Starring: |
Corin Nemec, Musetta Vander, and a really fake mansquito |
| Rated: |
R (for horror violence/gore) |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Creature Feature/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Sometimes science really bites. (I made that up.) |
| Studio: |
Who knows. I ain't looking it up. Nu Image, maybe? |
| Website: |
Mansquito |
| Release: |
March 5, 2005 |
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PLOT
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A couple of sex-ay female scientists are trying to find a cure for the West Nile Virus. Naturally, they
decide it would be a good idea to do tests on mosquitoes that involve DNA-altering radiation. One fateful
day, a convicted killer is being transferred to the pharmaceutical company to be part of an experimental
drug program. Unfortunately, the prisoner breaks loose, heads to the scientific experiment area, causes
some sort of explosion, becomes infected with the radiation, and begins to mutate into a mosquito. The
world better hope that Parker Lewis truly CAN'T lose because he's being called on to save the day. Another
crappy Sci Fi Original Movie ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Whenever you see the words, "A Sci Fi Original" you know that's pretty much the equivalent of "A Steaming
Pile Made For Your Mockery." You combine that reputation with a title like Mansquito, and I thought
for sure I was in for a laugh-filled night of cheesy, unintentional humor. I've learned a lot from two huge
mistakes I made:
1) Never assume *anything* when it comes to original movies on the Sci Fi Channel.
2) Never watch a Sci Fi Original Movie alone.
Stephanie watched about 2 minutes and then ran off to play on the computer, leaving me to suffer through
this alone. After falling asleep three times I finally finished it, and it pains me to inform you that this
movie simply does not live up to the cheesiness of its name. There are a few "so bad it's good" moments,
but overall this was just a boring waste of celluloid, money, and my precious time. But at least it allows
me to live up to my noble duty - watching bad movies so that you don't have to.
But like I said, there are a few cheesy moments that are worthy of my mockery:
- Why are the weakest security guards in cinematic history transferring a deadly killer to
the pharmaceutical company? The guy was on death row and you've got three bumbling idiots watching
over him? Why aren't they carrying shotguns and other heavy artillery???
- Jennifer, the West Nile doctor and girlfriend of Parker Lewis, starts to slowly mutate as well.
Naturally, this gives her the opportunity to rip her shirt off. Way to go for the subtlety, guys.
- When Jennifer looks at her DNA under a microscope to verify that it is mutating she weakly screams, "This
can't be happening! Wah wah!" She then knocks vials off a table and lamely kicks a chair over. It's one of
the worst displays of anger I've ever witnessed.
- When Corin Nemec *ahem* I mean Parker Lewis, first comes face to face with the 7-foot Mansquito his
bullets have absolutely no impact on him. So what does he do? He tries to taser him. Brilliant.
- In a climax that is absolutely void of tension or excitement, Parker Lewis yells, "Hey! Mansquito!" and
fires a bazooka at some nearby gas containers. We then see an outside view of the building, and the entire
floor erupts in a fiery explosion. Afterwards, Parker Lewis is found amongst the rubble barely scratched.
And of course, Mansquito survives as well, dragging this crap out way longer than necessary.
- As Jennifer continues to mutate she attracts Mansquito to her because he has a need to mate. This
gives Parker Lewis one last chance to try to kill the monster. Let's see, a fiery explosion from a bazooka
didn't work, so what should we try next? For some reason, Parker Lewis decides to give a fire extinguisher
and an ax the ol' college try. When that fails, he jumps on Mansquito's back, yells, "Remember this!" and
tries to taser him again. At this point all I could really do was shake my head in disgust.
Unfortunately, that's about it. There was a severe lack of beautifully cheesy one-liners. For a movie like
this to be a success it has to be replete with them! Instead, the movie tries to take itself way too
seriously. As it finally nears completion (aka when my prayers are finally answered), we see Parker Lewis
typing the story on his computer. He's retelling how it was his girlfriend, and not himself, who finally
managed to beat Mansquito. Wuss. "Finally the confrontation between Jennifer and the beast, Ray, had
become one of epic proportions. They were destroyed in the explosion. In the end she didn't just kill the
monster. She saved us all."
Thankfully, I had my yellow bucket handy because ye olde gag reflex started to work an overtime shift.
If they really wanted to salvage this toilet log, then they would've called in Johnny Betts for the final
confrontation. I would've entered the scene in slow motion, wearing my trademark leather jacket and
sunglasses. I'd unleash a barrage of stinger missiles right at Mansquito until I knew for sure he was
dead. Then I'd walk over to his lifeless body, turn to the camera, flick my cool guy toothpick in slow
motion and say, "Sucks to be you."
I'd then walk over to Corin Nemec, punch him in the face for failing to save the world, and say, "Parker
Lewis just lost." Roll credits. That's the way to do a cheesy movie.
As it is, Mansquito is basically a failed He-Man bad guy. I can see him squaring off against Buzz-Off in
what would come to be known as "one of the worst He-Man episodes ever."
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Corin Nemec was in Parker Lewis Can't Lose with Billy Jacoby who was in an episode of
The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Well, this was the made-for-TV version, so there's not any profanity that can't be seen on primetime. But
this isn't exactly the kind of movie to show mama unless you're trying to get kicked out of the will.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I never saw the trailer, and I'm not about to waste my time looking for it. Just trust me, any trailer of
this that might actually make the movie look good would be nothing but a misconception.
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THE GIST
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Mansquito sure sounds like it should be a cheesy movie. Unfortunately, it takes itself way too
seriously to fully succeed. The only way I'd recommend watching this movie is by fast-forwarding to the
specific scenes I've pointed out. Trust me. I actually sat through the whole thing, and I'm not exactly
proud of it.
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