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Movie Review - Route 666 (2001)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
William Wesley |
| Starring: |
Lou Diamond Phillips, Lori Petty, Steven Williams, Dale Midkiff, and Alex McArthur |
| Rated: |
R (for strong violence and language) |
| Length: |
86 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
One Way In, No Way Out |
| Studio: |
Lionsgate |
| Website: |
Yeah right. |
| Release: |
October 30, 2001 |
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PLOT
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I feel stupid just writing this, but here we go...
Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty are FBI agents sent to track down a mob informer who is hiding somewhere in
the Arizona desert. They catch him within the first 10 minutes of the movie and then must transport him to
safety, away from the mafia hitmen who want him dead.
Unfortunately, the agents make the ill-informed decision to take an abandoned stretch of highway known as Route 666.
It turns out that a prison chain gang died along this highway, and now they're some sort of zombies made out of
asphalt, and they attack anybody traveling this path. More irreparable damage to Lou Diamond Phillips' "career"
ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Route 666 - the movie where La Bamba is merely cashing a paycheck. Oh wait, that's not descriptive enough.
OK, let's try this: Route 666 - the movie where Lori Petty has a horrific hairdo and an inexplicable
"black-cent." Nope. That doesn't narrow it down either.
Oh well, who cares? Just remember it as "another bad movie Johnny recommends everybody stay far away from" and
you're good.
Route 666 was recently part of something the Sci-Fi Channel is calling the "13 Days of Halloween." A more
accurate title would be "13 Days of Mind-Numbingly Awful Movies," but I guess that doesn't sell. Anyway, when I
saw that ol' Chavez y Chavez was in it then I knew I had to give it a look.
After all, his Alien Express was so ridiculous that it provided plenty of
unintentional laughs. I still bust out stories of the "algebra scene" at parties and various other shindigs.
It's a huge hit. Quick tangent - what's up with the word "shindig"? Are there calfdigs? Thighdigs?
Oh yeah, the movie. I almost forgot - and I wish I had. You know, it's just getting harder and harder to find
hilarious new ways to say "this movie blows." Route 666 is just generically bad. There are quite a few
one-liners, but none of them are cheesy enough to be even remotely funny. When La Bamba is saying stuff like,
"Now would be the proper time for you to shut up," and "You know that sounded like a question to me. Ask
another and they'll be asking where your face is," you realize they aren't even trying.
The most inexplicable one-liner is when the R. Lee Ermey wannabe sheriff says to Lori Petty, "You have got big
cajones, ma'am. And it's really gonna hurt me to have to shoot 'em off." Huh? The line isn't even delivered
in such a way that you assume they're being ironic. But Petty is looking pretty butch, with that ridiculous
man-cut of a hairdo, so maybe they know something that I don't.
I'll give the film credit for displaying one clever moment. At one point the mob informer, played by Steven
Williams of 21 Jumpstreet fame, says to La Bamba and Petty, "What if I called you two Mulder and Scully?"
Williams played "Mr. X" on the X-Files, you see. I would have given the film bonus points had Williams
referred to Lou Diamond as "Officer Hanson." Alas, 'twas not meant to be.
Other than that, this was an absolute bore to fast forward through. At the point where La Bamba realizes his
father was on the prison road crew that died and he cuts his hand, clasps hands with his zombie dad, and uses
the blood to somehow give his dad magical power to kill the other zombies, well, I stopped and asked myself,
"What am I doing with my life?"
If you're smart then you'll heed my advice and avoid the inevitability of asking yourself the same question.
Route 666 - please make this a road NOT traveled.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- I like the tagline I made up better than the official one - The Road to Hell is Paved with Dead Intentions.
Trust me, that's better than any of the writing you'll find in this movie.
- This is a movie filled with actors often referred to as "Hey, it's [fill in description] from [fill in
show/movie]!" For example, there's Steven Williams - "Hey, it's the black dude from 21 Jumpstreet!"
Then there's Dale Midkiff - "Hey, it's the dad from Pet Sematary!" And of course there's
Alex McArthur - "Hey, it's the main dude from Desperado!"
- Alex McArthur was in Desperado with Sydney Walsh and Pernell Roberts who were both in episodes of
The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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The edited-for-TV version is clean enough for all palates, but I hear tell that the DVD version has quite a few
profanities, including "f" bombs. However, this is a non-issue because I wouldn't recommend watching this
in any version.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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There's a trailer online, but I've decided against watching it.
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THE GIST
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If you're in the mood for a really bad Lou Diamond Phillips movie that you and your friends can laugh at and make
fun of then watch Alien Express instead.
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