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Movie Review - Snake King (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Allan A. Goldstein |
| Starring: |
Stephen Baldwin and Jane Heitmeyer |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
It's Time to Kick Some Asp (I made that up) |
| Studio: |
Nu Image |
| Website: |
Snake King |
| Release: |
April 8, 2005 |
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PLOT
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Bad actors posing as anthropologists are rummaging around in the Amazon forest when they discover the
remains of a man. They determine that he was 300 years old at the time of his death. Naturally, this
piques their curiosity, and they assemble a team of Stephen Baldwin and a bunch of scientists to go
look for the secret of his long life. Is there actually a fountain of youth? Unfortunately, troubles
arise when they confront a huge, seven-headed snake. Yet another really bad Sci Fi Original movie ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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You might be surprised to learn that The Snake King is a very thought-provoking movie. It's true.
After watching the movie I was left with several questions.
Why? Why in the world would anybody make a movie that would be UNFAVORABLY compared to a movie as bad as
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Red Orchid?
Why would Stephen Baldwin continue to jeopardize any chances of a real Hollywood comeback by appearing in
a movie like this? The man turned down the role of Jack in Speed and now he's in The Snake
King. Why, Stephen, why?
Why did I waste 90 minutes of my life on this when I knew it'd blow bigger chunks than Anna Nicole Smith at
an MTV Awards Show after party?
In my mind, I've always thought that somebody making a movie should be making said movie because he truly
has a story to tell. Well, who in the wide, wide world of sports has been waiting to tell a tale about a
seven-headed snake that guards the fountain of youth? Is there anybody on the planet who has been waiting
for that story to be told? And why exactly did that snake have only one head at the beginning of the
movie, about three heads near the middle, and the full seven heads weren't revealed until the end? What
is going on here?
Why would anybody pick the biggest jerk possible to be the leader of an expedition into the Amazon?
If you're leading a team of scientists into the thick of the Amazon jungle then you probably need to be a
leader who people can respect. However, Dr. Gordon immediately forces you to cheer for his imminent death
by making a woman haul a bunch of heavy equipment by herself. That's right, he refuses to help her.
In fact, he routinely refuses to help anybody. Like when one dude heads off into the woods and screams. What
does the fearless leader do? Says he shouldn't have gone to hunt by himself. When one of the female
scientists says, "You make me sick," ol' Gordon responds with, "Like I care."
Wouldn't "people skills" be important in a position like this? Maybe someone with a little courage? But
I guess the movie just wouldn't be truly bad enough without a super jerk leader who borrows his comebacks
from a 12-year-old's mindset.
I think that's enough questions for now. We know there really aren't any answers, so it's not worth the
brainpower. Neither is continuing with this review, but I'll march on...
I must say that I was extremely disappointed in the lack of really cheesy lines in The Snake King. The
acting was bad, but most everybody took things too seriously to provide us with the campy entertainment
that a movie like this should serve up in large doses. However, Stephen did manage to reel off a couple.
Stephen is gonna act as the scientists' guide into the jungle, you see, but he helicopters in a little late.
Dr. Jerkdon nearly has a heart attack over this tardiness. Stephen deadpans:
"I was a little busy. One of the local kids had been mauled by a jaguar and needed to be airlifted to one of
the hospitals. Sorry if it made me 5 minutes late, but it seemed like a priority."
I totally have to use that line the next time somebody complains about me being late.
So even though there aren't enough bad one-liners, I'm at least happy to report that the CGI does live up to
its crappy expectations. I am not joking when I say that I saw better special effects on Land of the
Lost. I couldn't help but laugh whenever a human would get torn in half by the snake. Despite being
ripped in two, the guy would still be screaming while the snake swallowed him. The best was when one guy was
drawn and quartered by the snake. His torso just landed on the ground, AND HE WAS STILL ALIVE! He looked
around a bit and whimpered like a baby. Absolutely hilarious. Then he was decapitated. Even funnier!
The sad thing is somebody probably thought this actually looked cool rather than just doing it for the
cheese element.
But let me ask you this, if you just watched someone get quartered and decapitated by a seven-headed snake
what would you do? Well, thankfully for us Stephen Baldwin and the female scientist choose to give us one
of the cheesiest movie endings in recent memory. They decide that the fountain of youth should stay with
the tribe. This causes Stephen to ask, "So this was all for nothing?" The female doctor responds, "No,
no. I think I may have found something else ... that ... I hope ... could live on for eternity." They
smooch. Roll credits.
Absolutely ridiculous, but it was one of the most entertaining scenes in the whole movie. Take that for
what it's worth. If you're smart, then you should realize this means it's definitely not worth your money
for even a rental. Feel free to record it from TV and make it a fast forward fest one day, but I have to
assume that you work hard enough for your money not to insult it by spending it on The Snake King.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Rumors of Greg Evigan having a role in the movie were greatly exaggerated. If he was actually in the
movie then it wasn't obvious to me. This movie is so bad it doesn't even have cast credits on IMDb.com
yet, so I can't verify.
- Stephen's character knows how to speak Jaguar (whatever that is), his parents were anthropologists, and
he studied lost tribes.
- You gotta love it when a native gets speared and he holds onto it, even after dying. Must be a death
grip.
- A doctor's cell phone was able to get a signal in the Amazon. That's a powerful cell phone.
- These folks head out into the Amazon jungle and nobody thought to bring anti-snake venom? Please.
- Stephen Baldwin was in The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin
Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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There's really nothing here for mama to object to except the colossal waste of time that is this movie.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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Trailer? Bwahahahaha! You may catch a commercial for it on the Sci Fi channel. I doubt they could find
two minutes worth of footage to fool you into thinking the movie might actually be decent.
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THE GIST
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Hey, if you love pain and have a deep desire to waste away precious hours of your life, then feel free
to sit through The Snake King. Otherwise, at most I'd recommend fast forwarding to the parts I've
mentioned. At the least don't even bother with it at all.
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