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Movie Review - Solar Force
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Boaz Davidson |
| Starring: |
Michael Paré, Billy Drago, and a whole bunch of no-namers |
| Rated: |
R (language, violence) |
| Length: |
88 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Website: |
Um, no. |
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PLOT
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It has something to do with Michael Paré being a cop from the moon (a LUNARCOP!) sent
to Earth to try to destroy a serum that could be used to destroy the Earth. The problem is
the Earth is now inhabited by a bunch of motorcycle-riding morons in stupid-looking outfits.
Nothing of any artistic merit ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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So let me get this straight, 27 years ago the Ozone layer just disappeared and the Earth became
some sort of desert? And there were some people who were lucky enough to escape to the fertile
lands of the moon? Sounds great!
This is a movie that tries really hard to be better than it is. One of Michael's relatives
(Terrence Paré, probably his brother) wrote the script, and he tried to get clever and throw in a
twist or two. Unfortunately, he also threw in a plot hole or fifty.
So there are terrorists on the moon who want to destroy the earth? How exactly are they
smuggling the serum from the moon to the Earth? Why are motorcycle gangs harassing the
other survivors on Earth? If this has been going on for 27 years, then why haven't the
motorcycle gangs completely taken over what's left of Earth? How is everybody still
surviving and finding food and water if the Ozone is gone? I'm getting a headache.
I know what you're thinking: "Hey Johnny, isn't any movie co-starring Billy Drago a sure winner?"
Good question, and I'd have thought the same thing, but even the acting sensation that is BILLY DRAGO
couldn't save this flop. This movie is just a mess. Unless you like to watch Billy Drago overacting
and leading his motorcycle gang into about 30 minutes worth of slow-motion footage of motorcycles
floating in the air.
I did get a pretty good laugh when an evil cyborg was sent to Earth to finish the job that Michael Paré abandoned.
The best was when the cyborg somehow buried himself and his motorcycle under the ground, and then flew out
and started chasing Paré. That doesn't make sense to you? Welp, imagine watching similar scenarios for
an hour and a half.
To make matters worse, the movie tried to reach some sort of emotional level by having Paré's character fall in
love. I have to admit, I cried when Paré found out that his love interest (some "actress" you've never
heard of) was a cyborg and had to be terminated. However, I didn't exactly cry because of the emotional
pull of that scene, no, I cried because at that moment it occurred to me that an hour and a half of my life
had just vanished before my very eyes and there was NOTHING I could do to get it back. It's really amazing
how an hour and a half Michael Paré movie ALWAYS seems like it's at least 3 hours long. Didn't matter to
Stephanie, she slept through the whole thing. Must've been nice.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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You know good and well I wouldn't watch this with mama. The profanity and violence would probably be even
less offensive to her than the time she'd waste sitting through this.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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If you watch the
Solar Force trailer
then you might actually be fooled into thinking it looks decent. It definitely looks like a B-movie, but
the trailer makes it look semi-interesting. You could be deceived into thinking there will at least be
some cool action. Don't fall for it.
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THE GIST
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It would've taken a SOLAR FORCE to keep my food down while sitting through this tripe. Ba dum dum psh! Thank
you, thank you. This is a bad movie, and it fails to even reach "so bad it's good" territory. Sure, there are
some things in the movie that are so ridiculous that you can't help but laugh at them, but overall I promise you
there are much better ways to spend your money and your time. You have been warned; I now wash my hands of the
movie.
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