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Movie Review - Strip Search
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Rod Hewitt |
| Starring: |
Michael Paré and Pam Grier |
| Rated: |
R (strong violence, sexuality, and language) |
| Length: |
94 minutes |
| Genre: |
Action/Drama/Bad Movie |
| Website: |
Nope.
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PLOT
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Michael Paré is a vice cop who uses inane dialog to solve cases. He and Sela
(Caroline Neron) team up to find Sela's exotic dancing stepdaughter.
Homosexual overtones ensue.
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MR. SHADE'S TAKE
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While it's not the worst movie I've ever seen, it definitely has the worst dialog I've ever heard. They
say that if you take an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters then
eventually they will produce the works of Bill Shakespeare. This movie took that idea but only used one
monkey with a scribble pad. In honor of such distinguished writing I've put together a top five list of
lines from the movie:
Top 5 Lines That You'll Never Hear Again
5. "Even though we didn't go all the way you've taken me further than any man has before."
4. "Nobody takes my brother's thumb and uses it for a sideshow."
3. "This thumb brings me great pleasure."
2. "There's a little piece of you in me and I think if you look hard enough you'll find a little piece
of me in you."
And of course,
1. "You're makin' my big toe bounce in my boot."
Now, on to the "plot." The movie starts off with Paré rescuing his brother from some Asian underworld
boss. He kills everyone because they cut off his brother's thumb. If that holds up in court then there
is no legal reason to not kill everyone involved with this film. We now find out that Paré's brother is
addicted to gambling and rambling. He calls Paré a lost soul and tells him that he (Paré) can't save
him (Paré's brother).
Paré and brother return home to find out that the mob has sent some hired muscle to get their money.
Unfortunately the muscle got lost and Penn and Teller look-alikes had to stand in. Paré pays them off
with the help of Pam Grier and we move on to the crux of the story. A woman named Sela hires Paré to
find her daughter who just happens to be hiding out in strip clubs. The rest of the movie has them in
and out of more strip clubs than Charlie Sheen.
After searching multiple strip clubs we finally get to an action scene. BOO-YAA! No one is going to
rob the club while Paré is there! Paré, with the help of Sela and Penn and Teller, kills the would-be
robbers. Pam Grier steps in again to clean up the mess and Penn and Teller are going to help her. Here's
where the movie really gets weird - Penn and Teller start talking about loving the back seat and how it
makes them think they are in a dirty movie. I could understand if they were talking to Pam Grier, but
they are talking to each other! This is the first movie I've seen with gay mobsters. We also find out
about some type of side plot that Sela might be a man. This question never gets answered - put it on
the shelf next to "Why was this movie made?" The movie plods on with even more bad dialog until we are
greeted by the most exciting part of the movie - the end.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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No way. On top of being a horrible movie it's got cursing and a ton of sexual content.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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Surprisingly I was actually able to find the trailer. The trailer does an incredible job of disguising
how bad this film is. You still wouldn't think the movie would be good, but the trailer isn't that
cheesy and is somewhat interesting. The trailer also infers that the movie has a plot, which is
absolutely false.
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JOHNNY'S TWO CENTS
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I can honestly say, without any question, I'll never watch "Strip Search" again. My time is just too
valuable. In fact, I let Mr. Shade do this review because I didn't really want to admit that I had seen
a movie called "Strip Search." But alas, the allure of Michael Paré's badness was too hard to resist.
I'll admit, I laughed heartily when Paré summoned the nerve to say, "You're makin' my big toe
bounce in my boot," but other than that this isn't anything worth sitting through. It doesn't even
qualify as "so bad it's funny."
The dialogue sounds like it was written by a group of 8th graders trying way too hard to sound smart
and impress their teachers. Didn't work. I can't think of another movie that comes close to this in
the "overwrought dialogue" category. It was painful to sit through. Just skip it. I watched it so
you don't have to. Thank me, and move along.
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THE GIST
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If you're a huge fan of really bad dialog then this is the movie you've been waiting for. Otherwise, even
people who enjoy bad movies should stay away from this one. The most positive comment I can make is that
at least Paré isn't playing some type of space cop on a desert planet.
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