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Movie Review - The Dangerous
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Maria Dante, Rod Hewitt |
| Starring: |
Michael Paré, Robert Davi, Paula Barbieri, Elliot Gould, Joel Grey |
| Rated: |
R (language, violence, and sexual content) |
| Length: |
96 minutes |
| Genre: |
Action/Bad Movie |
| Website: |
If you find one let me know so I can have a good laugh. |
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PLOT
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Folks, I am NOT making up this plot. What we have here is brother and sister Ninja warriors killing a whole
bunch of New Orleans-based gang members to avenge their sister's death. Whose help do the police enlist to solve
this crime? The help of a biker warrior, of course! Things get really complicated *stifles laughter* when the
head drug dealer hires Cajun warriors to kill the people he believes are responsible for the deaths of his dealers.
Viewer remorse ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Is this movie any good? Well, if you read the cast list and the plot then you should realize that no, this movie
isn't any good. If for some reason you're still wondering what makes this a bad movie then let me try to be a
little clearer:
- Paula Barbieri is part of the cast.
- Michael Par plays a character named "Random."
- This movie contains both brother and sister ninja warriors AND Cajun warriors.
Who thought it was a good idea for Paula Barbieri to give acting a try? I just don't understand why Paula (whose
character name was also Paula, that probably made life easier on her) couldn't deliver a single line fluently.
"What ... are ... you ... doing?" JUST ACT LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A REAL LIFE CONVERSATION! Is it that hard? It can't
be. Goodness. I almost stopped the tape when she said something to Robert Davi about "the ... world ... is
... our ... oyster."
Speaking of Robert Davi, what in the wide world of sports is he doing in this movie? Did he have some major
gambling debts to pay off or something? I guess he's actually decent as the biker warrior, but there's no way
you'll care. Joel Grey has an inexplicable role as some homeless guy who rides around in the trunk of the
ninjas' car and feeds information to Davi and Par through the use of his cell phone. Don't ask me because I have
no explanation. It made about as much sense as the rest of this stinkfest. Most the rest of the cast consisted
of people who have appeared in at least one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.
I know I shouldn't be surprised, but the movie made no sense! And I sure don't feel like trying to make sense
of it. There were lots of senseless explosions and mindless action that can't be described as either very explosive
or action-packed. And I know I don't have to say this, but the end was just stupid. It had something to do with
Davi and Par finally understanding the ways of the Samurai and... OH I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
Stephanie and I did a lot of searching, but we finally found a Hollywood Video that had this movie in stock.
Things got off to an excellent start when I took the movie out of the case and it looked like a store-bought
video. It had a sticker on it with a hand-written label that said something about the video being replaced. It
wasn't rewound all the way either. We joked that that was probably as far in the movie as the last people got
and they just stopped the tape and hurried up and took it back. We figured they decided paying the rewind fee
would be worth it. When I tried to rewind it, it wouldn't work. Something more supernatural was at work.
Turns out that the tape had been cut or torn and someone tried to put it back together with scotch tape. Against
our better judgment we fooled around with it until we were able to rewind it and watch the movie. God was sending
us a message. We should've listened. Once the movie was over I realized that somebody was obviously trying to cut
out portions of the movie to try to piece together some sort of plot. Nice try, but it didn't work.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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The only way I'd watch this with my mom is if I somehow developed the desire to hear the words "you're out of
the will" come out of her mouth. There's profanity, violence, brief nudity, and enough sexual content to
definitely warrant the R rating. Actually, the insult to our intelligence that is this movie, is offensive enough
to earn the R rating.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I couldn't find a trailer for this movie, but don't worry, it'd only be 2 minutes of your life you could
never get back, and I'm sure it'd be just as bad as the actual movie.
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THE GIST
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If you're watching this movie with about four other people, then you might be able to get a few
laughs out of it, but there are so many other *bad* movies out there that are more entertaining.
I certainly can't recommend that you go out of your way to find this movie and spend your
hard-earned money on it, but if you ever do watch it, and a couple of weeks later somebody asks
you what it was about, then your response may go something like this:
"Um, it had lots of violence, Paula Barbieri in a mini-skirt and high heels, and uh, hmm, ninja
warriors, and ... oh, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out if there's a way to get those
96 minutes of my life back."
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