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	Movie Review - Timeline       Director: Richard Donner Starring: Paul Walker, Billy Connolly, Neal McDonough, Gerard Butler, and Ethan Embry Rated: PG-13 (intense battle sequences and brief language) Length: 116 minutes Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi/Bad Movie Website: Timeline PLOT A group of archaeological students travel back in time to 14th century France in order to rescue their professor. Things go terribly wrong, and they soon find themselves trapped in a land long ago, and they must do everything they can to survive until they can be saved. A bad movie ensues. JOHNNY'S TAKE Ironically, the plot of "Timeline" reads like the plot of anybody seeing this movie: A group of moviegoers head to the theater to see a movie based on a Michael Crichton book. Things go horribly wrong, and they soon find themselves trapped in a theater showing a really, really bad movie. They must do everything they can to manage to sit through nearly two hours of this stink bomb. I know "Timeline" has been long gone from the theaters, but it was recently released on DVD, and I consider it my civic duty to warn you about how bad this movie is and help save you the money of renting or purchasing it. Some people may be misled by Eric Patrick's (FOX-TV in Miami) quote on the cover of the DVD stating, "Braveheart with a 21st Century twist." BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Folks, that is quite possibly the overstatement of the century. I'm a huge "Braveheart" fan, and I can honestly say that the only way to compare it to "Timeline" in such a way is this: if Taco Bell were to invent a meal called the "21st Century Twist," and "Braveheart" somehow materialized, ate the meal, got sick, ran to the bathroom, didn't flush, and you saw the aftermath, then you'd see a copy of "Timeline" floating in the toilet and might jokingly say, "That's 'Braveheart' with a 21st Century Twist!" I like to refer to "Timeline" as "How Not to Budget a Movie." How in the world did it cost $80,000,000 to make this movie??? The special effects are lame (excluding one quick scene where we see some flaming arrows flying through the air), the actors aren't the most pricey in Hollywood, and the 14th century outfits look like pajamas my grandfather used to wear. Where did the money go? The toilet apparently, because this puppy made a mere $19,480,739 at the box office. OUCH. That hurts the ol' pocketbook. But look at a movie like "Underworld." The budget was only $23,000,000 and it grossed $51,970,690. Not bad at all, especially since the special effects and outfits (Kate Beckinsale in leather, mmmm) were far superior to everything in "Timeline." The thing that annoyed me most about "Timeline" (even more so than it's bad costumes, bad acting, negligible plot, etc.) is the sheer inanity of it all. This is a movie that consists of stupid characters constantly saying or doing stupid things. Or the situations around them are just plain laughable. There's one scene where the students are already trapped in time and they're assessing their situation. Paul Walker, looking absolutely ridiculous in those brown pajamas/14th century clothes he's wearing, eloquently states, "We have 650 years of technology on them. If we put our minds together, we should be out of here in 20 minutes." Yeah, because that's how it works. Last time I checked (and believe it or not, I check daily), the people back in them olden times weren't exactly stupid! You know, they managed to build pyramids, castles, advanced weaponry, things of that nature. So you'll have to forgive me for doubting that Paul Walker and a group of his buddies could put their heads together and summon 650 years of technology (with absolutely no technological tools to use) and somehow magically escape their situation in 20 minutes. They'd be lucky to create a makeshift toothpick. Another laughably inane moment is when we find out that Billy Connolly is Paul Walker's father in the movie. The contrast between Connolly's thick Scottish accent and Paul Walker's Keanu Reeves/surfer voice caused me to laugh out loud. Oh, one comment on the negligible plot, could somebody take a look at Crichton's novel and see if there's a story in there? Thanks, because there sure wasn't much of one in the movie. There was some slight discussion within the movie about wormholes. Production meetings probably should've centered on PLOTHOLES instead because those were abundant. If you're expecting an interesting discussion on the issue of time travel then do yourself a favor and lower your expectations RIGHT NOW! Much like Michael Moore around women, the subject is barely touched. Most of the movie is concerned with Paul Walker and co. running around trying to survive. I will say that this movie does take the time travel position that there are alternate universes, so if somebody were to travel back in time and change something, then we'd automatically see the change in real time. But just watch "Frequency" for a much better look at the issue. The most detailed explanation we get regarding the time travel machine in the movie is that it's basically like faxing a human. Too bad the technology doesn't exist because I would've liked to have faxed myself right on out of the theater. OK, I think I've spent way too much of my life discussing this movie. It's bad enough that I wasted 2 hours watching it. That's right, TWO HOURS! I'm flabbergasted that they stretched it out that much. If you're gonna make a movie this bad, then you should try to keep it around 80 minutes at the max. Near the end of the movie, when things begin to get cheesier than Velveeta covered in Swiss, Paul Walker says to one of his friends, "Let's go home." "You mean the audience?" I said aloud, "Great idea!" His friend, having found a love in the 14th century, doesn't want to leave and replies, "I am home." Lucky guy, that is exactly where I would've preferred to be. MAMA'S APPROVAL One "f" word, 11 "s" words, and a handful of other profanities is enough to keep my mother away from this one. But the sheer craptitude of this movie, and its major insult on one's intelligence are the most offending aspects. TRAILER COMPARISON When I first saw the trailer for the movie I thought to myself, "Looks pretty cheesy, but maybe it'll be entertaining and fun!" Well, it's definitely heavy on the cheese but light on the fun and entertainment. The trailer might lead you to believe that you're in for some fast-paced, time travel action. The trailer would thus mislead you in that regard. THE GIST There are some elements to "Timeline" that are so bad that they're funny, so if you and your friends have nothing better to do than rent period-based Paul Walker movies to make fun of, then this might suit you for a few laughs. It's not a "classic" bad movie though, and you'll be bored quite often. Everybody else should just stay away. The archaeology students were lucky enough to have it explained to them that they would experience "two seconds of intense pain" during the time travel process. Well, I'm giving you the courtesy of warning you that if you choose to rent "Timeline," then you can expect to experience "two HOURS of intense pain." It's a warning I wish someone had given me. 1.5/5 Photos Copyright 2003 Paramount Pictures	RETURN TO HOME PAGE Ghouls Eagle Eye Righteous Kill Tropic Thunder Traitor Death Race Star Wars: Clone Wars The Dark Knight Journey to the Center of the Earth Hancock Weekend Results: 1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua($29,300,465) 2. Eagle Eye($17,709,817) 3. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist($11,311,751) 4. Nights in Rodanthe($7,368,259) 5. Appaloosa($5,050,310)

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