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Movie Review - Webs (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
David Wu |
| Starring: |
Richard Grieco, nobody else you've heard of |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
84 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Oh, what a deadly web she weaves... |
| Studio: |
Sci Fi Pictures |
| Website: |
Webs |
| Release: |
June 28, 2003 |
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PLOT
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Chicago, present day. Four electricians are sent to investigate an odd power source that is coming from a
building that was abandoned 15 years ago. Richard Grieco and three other guys collecting a paycheck
stumble upon a locked room that just so happens to contain a nuclear generator. Naturally, one of them
turns it on. Somehow, this triggers a portal to another world. When Grieco and one of the other losers
fall into the portal we see that they have entered an alternate world. It appears to be a parallel
Chicago, long-abandoned except for some strange mutant spider people. Common sense should tell you that
nothing of merit ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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I'm going with a different format for this review. Paragraphs, transitions, and well-formulated
sentences don't seem worth it. It's 11:02 PM and I'm daring to watch the Sci Fi original Webs,
starring Richard Grieco. Wish me luck. I'm going in. Ladies and gentlemen, a behind-the-scenes look
at watching a Sci-Fi Original...
11:03 PM - Well, things start off nicely with generic credits that look they were photoshopped in. Very
poorly, I might add. Nice hair, Richard Grieco. With the ball cap on it's reaching mullet proportions.
"What's up with his hair?" Stephanie asks me. How is she still awake? It won't last long. Sheesh, could the
skin on Grieco's face be pulled any tighter?
11:04 PM - Excuse me while I jam to the wonka, wonka music. Grieco and his bad actor buddies are discussing
"reverse power spikes." It's gonna be a long 90 minutes.
11:05 PM - Why does Grieco have to tell an electrician what a power cable is? Sigh. Maybe there'll be a
sequel involving plumbers and one of them will have to explain the concept of pipes to another. Can't wait.
Uh-oh, they've found the nuclear reactor! DON'T TOUCH IT! Ah well. Of course, one of the bad actors turned
it on. Everybody freaks out. Some sort of portal is opened, and the bad special effects begin. They should've
just used a flashlight beam.
11:08 PM - Grieco and some no-namer fall through the portal and find themselves in an alternate universe.
Inexplicably, neither one seems too concerned or shocked. Grieco does the smart thing and decides to look
around by himself. I start to fast forward because Grieco is just walking around doing nothing. BORING!
Stephanie's asleep. That took all of five minutes.
11:10 PM - Back to present day AKA the original universe. Two annoying electricians find a journal that documents
the discovery of the portal that leads to the alternate dimension. They decide to enter the portal. Smart. Real
smart. Come on, who in their right mind would watch two guys fall into a bright light and disappear and then think,
"Hmm, I'll go in after them!" They could have been incinerated for all you know! At least they leave a note
in case they never return. Awesome dialogue: "Weird." "Yeah, weird." Am I really going to sit through this
whole thing?
11:13 PM - The guys find an abandoned security truck with bags of money. They decide to steal it and cheer about
how rich they are. I suppose they think since they're in an alternate universe they can just take whatever they
want. Whoops. One of them just got killed by a guy with vampire teeth or something. Serves him right.
Here come some more baddies. I guess these are the "spider" people. They look like vampires with bad make-up
jobs. I take that back. They look more like the teeth you'd find in Arkansas (ooooooooh). Since when
do spiders have really long, rubber claws? Since they appear in bad Richard Grieco movies, I suppose. I'm
serious; they're wearing bad imitations of Freddy Krueger's glove. Unfortunately, some people show up and save
Grieco and friends. This means the movie will continue longer than necessary.
11:17 PM - The Queen Spider has arrived, and the CGI looks as bad as I thought it would. OH NO! THE PORTAL
HAS CLOSED! GRIECO IS STUCK! AND SO IS THE VIEWING AUDIENCE!
11:19 PM - A couple of the electricians were able to make it through the portal. They're trying to figure out a
way to open it back up. I'm trying to figure out a way to make this movie end sooner. We're 15 minutes in and
it's painfully obvious that there will not be a single character to care about.
11:23 PM - OK, I'm beyond bored now. Some chick is mentioning something to Grieco about if he is who they
think he is then he's the one who is destined to save them. Much to my surprise she says, "You're the guy
from 21 Jump Street, right?" "Yep," he replies, "Richard Grieco." "Grieco??" she asks with dread in
her eyes. "Oh crap, I thought you were Johnny Depp. We're screwed." Time to surf the net while this is on
in the background...
11:25 PM - Time has not been kind to Grieco's face. Or maybe it was the plastic surgeon who wasn't kind to it.
I don't know if this will make sense, but he's got a transvestite caveman look going on. He needs to be careful
when he squints. It looks like he's had so many face lifts that if he pulls his skin any tighter we're going to
see something tear.
He's talking to some people who entered the portal 30 years ago. My interest is on about the same level as Paris
Hilton's chastity. You guessed it; it couldn't be any lower.
11:35 PM - Hmm, I was wrong. After 10 more minutes of Grieco using his breathy whisper to spout useless dialogue it
turns out that my interest COULD be lower. Some bearded doctor dude created the portal and it somehow
allowed mutant spider creatures to come through. The Queen Spider has eaten most of the population. Yep.
It's losing me.
11:36 PM - More slow-motion walking. Fast forward time!
11:37 PM - The Spider Queen looks a little like Walrus Man from Star Wars. Why on earth does she have
boobs?
11:39 PM - The good guys are shooting a lot of spider people now. We've slipped into bad video game
territory.
11:40 PM - The scientist doesn't think the portal can be reopened, but in an effort to convince him otherwise Grieco
offers this turd of wisdom: "You're talking to three electricians." Um, since when are electricians qualified to
build portals to alternate dimensions? "Hey Johnny, we're thinking of building a portal that would allow a
person to transport to parallel universes. Do you know any scientists or engineers who could help us?"
"Scientists or engineers? Screw that noise. I know three electricians, baby!"
Rumor has it that mechanics are geniuses when it comes to time machines.
11:42 PM - I finally figured out who Grieco is reminding me of - David Gest AKA the Former Mr. Liza Minelli.
Very sad. That's quite possibly the worst person to be compared to. The dude ain't human.
One look at his face will have you questioning your previous beliefs regarding Roswell and Area 51.
11:45 PM - IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE MINUTES SINCE MY LAST UPDATE?!?!?!?! Oh man. Everybody's eating. It's quite
exciting. OK, I lied. It's not exciting. Unfortunately, my right tear duct just burst because of a
humongous tear that was being produced from my latest yawn of boredom.
11:52 PM - Basically, all we're getting now is "tense" music, dark hallways, lots of slow walking, and no
dialogue. All attempts at building tension have failed. The good news is that if Grieco accidentally gets
shot in the face the bullets will just ricochet off.
This is quite clearly one of the worst movies I've seen in recent memory. Oops, did my finger hit the fast
forward button again?
11:54 PM - Cool, a spider person with an afro. I shall call him Frorantula.
11:55 PM - Look at those rubber spider claws vibrate. Rubber spider claws. *shakes head slowly* Talk about not
thinking this thing through.
12:01 AM - Painful. It's now safe to say that I made a mistake by choosing to watch this. Does this mean I'm
mortal? Please, bust out some cheesy one-liners already! This movie is taking itself way too seriously.
12:04 AM - More non-dialogue = more fast forwarding! Actually, I should probably fast forward through the
dialogue as well.
12:16 AM - I hate the Sci Fi Channel right now.
12:20 AM - Some guy who's been a jerk the entire movie is about to have a fight to the death to redeem himself
and the best line he can bust out is "Time to play, freaks"? Sad. Had it been me I would've pulled out the
big puns, maybe thrown down with, "It's time for a web of DEFEAT!"
12:25 AM - Eyes. starting. to. close. This. movie. blows.
12:29 AM - Stephanie just woke up and asked, "What's wrong? You look sad." "I'm sad because I forced myself
to sit through this," I replied. She went to bed. I'm jealous.
12:32 AM - It's almost over! Grieco fixed the portal, he kisses the girl, and they're standing in front of
a blue screen that is projecting a really fake image of an island. "Where are we?" the girl asks. "It ain't
Chicago," Grieco deadpans. We see the shadows of what I assume to be pterodactyls fly over head. Don't tell
me they just left open the possibility of a sequel.
12:33 AM - RIP to the hour and a half of my life I'll never get back. It's a shame I can't look back on you with
fond memories.
Man, I'm glad that's over. You readers know that I enjoy watching movies that are so bad they're entertaining.
And the Sci Fi Channel has produced a number of them. However, that wasn't the case this time around. I honestly
regret watching this. Consider it an act of public service on my part.
Johnny Betts - watching really bad movies so that you don't have to.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Richard Grieco was in Mobsters with Christian Slater who was in Bed of Roses with Josh Brolin who
was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Since this debuted on the Sci Fi Channel the content isn't really that bad. There's some made-for-TV gore and
fake spider slime but nothing out of the ordinary.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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If there's a trailer for this piece of crap then I don't want to waste my time looking for it. You don't need a
trailer to tell you how bad it is. Just take my word for it.
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THE GIST
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The only redeeming value Webs has is one solid good laugh at the expense of Grieco's stretched face.
Other than that this is to be avoided like Michael Jackson at Disneyland.
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