FS&R - And I Thought Zen Gardens Were a Waste of Money
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A few years ago I was looking through a catalog in a desperate, last-second attempt to get some ideas for
Christmas gifts. After only a few minutes of perusal my eyes happened upon an advertisement for a money-making
scheme called a Zen Garden. Here's what it contained: a box with sand in it, a few rocks, and a small rake.
The ad spouted some Mahayanistic jive about finding internal peace while tending the Zen Garden. The retail
price? $34.95!!!!!!!!!!!
Folks, I can make you a stupid Zen Garden for FREE! Better yet, you can make your very own Zen Garden. Here's
how:
- Go outside.
- Pick up some rocks and dirt/sand.
- Put rocks and dirt/sand in box.
- Use fork for miniature rake.
- Find internal peace by realizing you're not a sucker who just wasted $34.95 on a "Zen Garden."
See how easy that is? For quite a while I remain baffled at how much of a waste that truly was, but then Uwe
Boll introduced himself to the world of Hollywood and really helped put all other money wasters in perspective.
Let's take a quick look at the man's track record (budget includes production costs only):
House of the Dead - Budget: $12 million, Gross: $10,249,719
Alone in the Dark - Budget: $20 million, Gross: $5,178,569
BloodRayne - Budget: $25 million, Worldwide Gross: $2,405,420
Does anyone else see a disturbing trend? A better question is does anybody NOT see a disturbing trend?
The budgets for his movies continue to increase but his movies gross about 50% less than the previous.
So people have grown wise and decided to stop financing Mr. Boll's eventual bombs, right? Wrong. Inexplicably,
he's currently attached as the director for four upcoming movies.
Well, never fear, Hollywood! Johnny Betts is here to help you save a little money. I have the perfect method
that will give you the experience of hiring Uwe Boll without having to waste all that money. Here's all you
need to do:
- Write a movie title and a large dollar amount on a sheet of paper. For example, "Far Cry - $35 million."
- Take the sheet of paper and either A) flush it down the toilet or B) throw it in the fire.
- Reflect for a moment and breathe a sigh of relief that you chose this method rather than actually trusting
Mr. Boll with that large amount of money.
- Send me a "thank you" card.
Follow these easy steps and sleep well knowing that you won't have to dread receiving those horrific box office
returns. This also helps eliminate concerns regarding the strength of your job security.
Unfortunately, this is probably just too much common sense for Hollywood to handle. If you think I'm off-base
then please feel free to defend Mr. Boll and send me an intelligent rebuttal. After all, this is just my
opinion; you could be wrong.
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| READER COMMENTS |
On Wednesday, March 29, 2006 at 3:12:26 PM Tina mused:
I'm inclined to agree with you on Mr.Boll. The man is a disgrace to the film industry and I hope Hollywood realize that Boll is noting more than an arrogant imbecile with no life |
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