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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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HATE MAILFeel free to send me hate mail yourself, or you can send a little love if you'd prefer. Posted: August 8, 2007 Folks, Satan has just pulled out a parka because somebody is defending Stephen Baldwin's Dark Storm. No, I am not kidding. I received this nice little email from some guy named Jo. His comments are in firebrick (for those of you in Frayser or Rio Linda that's a color), my responses are in black. I am wondering what your real agenda is in rubbishing this movie to the degree that you did? To save my readers time and money. It's my way of giving a little something back to the community. Did we watch the same movie? Not if you thought this was good. Perhaps you should stop being such an arrogant pr**k and take my mothers advice, "if you can't be constructive in your critism, don't open your mouth" Why didn't your mother advise you on the proper usage of periods and possessive nouns? If you'd prefer that I be constructive in my criticism then here you go: "critism" isn't a word. Spell Check is your friend. Oh, by the way. Do you have a degree in Physics? No. Hmm, apparently your mother also failed to advise you on why it's bad to make assumptions. But since when is it required that a viewer have a degree in Physics to watch and comment on a Sci-Fi Original? So here's the constructive part. Take a long walk of a short pier. No just kidding. I think the problem is that, like food critics, you get too much excellent food and therefore anything not perfect is rubbish. No, anything that bores me to tears is rubbish. Do you recall how spiderman got his powers, or the Hulk. Shouldn't that have killed them. What does this have to do with my review or comments regarding the movie? Did you not make the connection, that the "Dark Matter technology" is taken straight out of Nostradamus's Prophecies? No. Nope, that connection was definitely lost on me. And you know what? In retrospect, possessing that knowledge does not make the movie the slightest bit more entertaining. In fact, I think I like it even less now. Your comment that his powers just happen to appear when he needed them. Did you not notice that he concentrated to activate the "Power" I notice that you shy away from proper punctuation. Are you sure you're talking about my review? I re-read it, and nowhere do I make a statement about his powers happening when he needs them. Is somebody smokin' a little dark matter of his own? I must admit that it certainly isn't the best movie ever made, but it was far from boring. I believe your expectations are just too high, or you're just spoilt. My expectations are too high for having no desire to be lulled into a stupor? P.s. and before you cast any aspersions against my intellect, here are my vitals. Age: 46 IQ: 149 (tested many times) ED: Bsc (physics, mathematics), Advanced Electronics and communications certificate. (No, I'm not a nerd) Height: 6'4" Weight: 110KG Not a blockhead either. Let me guess - you also eat lightning and crap thunder, right? I have no idea how much 110KG is because in America we don't use the metric system. USA! USA! USA! PPS. This is the first time I have written in like this and b**ched at someone, but I am just getting sick and tired of morons expressing their opinion and influencing people even stupider than they are. So did mama's advice about constructive criticism allow for you to call people stupid morons? Call her down to the basement and ask her, if you don't mind. Honestly, I would expect a much cleverer putdown from someone claiming to have an IQ of 149. I consider it an honor to have written a review that so incited your furor that you decided to respond for the first time ever. Unfortunately, after bragging about your mother's advice on offering constructive criticism, you had to go and call me a moron and refer to all my fine readers as stupid. Not wise, my friend. The biker boots have been pulled out, and they're being polished. Posted: July 18, 2007 Here's a recent exchange I had with a Corey Feldman fan (we'll call her Bernadette) regarding my Corey Feldman Facts. Enjoy. Bernadette: I think you should consider selling YOUR soul to the Devil in exchange for a sense of humour! How dreary! What a waste of time! Johnny: The facts are hilarious. I laugh every time I re-read them. Plus, my mom smiled and patted me on the head when I showed them to her, so she obviously thinks I've struck comedic gold as well. Bernadette: OK. Let's all wipe our bottoms on Corey's DVD's and CD's. Johnny: No, no, no. The COVERS! The discs themselves would be too hard. I'm not THAT immature to suggest such a thing. Bernadette: Ok. Let's all wipe our bottoms on Corey's DVD and CD COVERS. Because the discs would be too hard. Your 'Corey Facts' are of such poor quality, that you could actually substitute Corey's name for practically anyone else's! Johnny: I didn't realize that "practically anyone else" starred in Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. I'll keep that in mind when adding to the Facts list. Your help has proven invaluable. Somebody named Adrienne: i think you will find that mature people don't sit on message boards for people they don't like and spend ages thinking up witty insults to throw at them in order to wind up their fans. Johnny: Actually, my wit is so quick that it took merely a handful of moments for me to whip up the insults - that you so kindly (and accurately) referred to as witty - that I bandied about. The moral of the story is anybody arrogant enough to refer to himself as "An Icon, An Industry" (mainly because he knows no one else was jumping at the opportunity to do it) is begging to be brought down a peg or two. All seven of my fans already loved and agreed with my facts list. Only sharing with them is, to borrow the old cliché, preaching to the choir. Thus, one must go where the message is most needed. Bernadette: You say Corey is 'begging to be brought down a peg or two.' You obviously don't know much about his life. Shame on you. Ah, delusional Corey Feldman fans, you gotta love 'em. Yes, yes, shame on me for not knowing much about Corey's life. Shame on ALL of us. Posted: September 11, 2006 This is definitely the strangest hate mail that I've ever received. He's responding to my Kiss Kiss Bang Bang review, and well, things get odd. He starts off by quoting the review: "What I like most about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is it's so hard to 'genre-lize.' See what I did there? Add that term to the Movie Mark Dictionary. When you can't 'genre-lize' something then you can't easily force it into any one specific genre. Clever, huh?" He obviously hasn't read much of my work; else he'd know that calling attention to my wit is sometimes part of the joke. So he goes on to make this bizarre comment: Just like all Jews, you just can?t help but gloating at your own snarkyness. ?Clever?? Yes. But you really didn?t need to be didactic about its meaning or intent. Mel Gibson? I really don't know where he's coming from with the "just like all Jews" comment. I'M NOT JEWISH! And I don't know that I've ever done anything to indicate otherwise. Wait a minute; is this because of how well I manage my money??? The genius continues... ?See what I did there?? Yeah, stupid! We see. (Knowing of the rampant nepotism in the movie industry, it wouldn?t surprise me to learn that you are a nephew of that other obnoxious ?See what I mean? Do you get it?' idiot Jew, Robert Altman.) You are just like Harry Lockhart: You wouldn?t know how to eat unless you kept your lips flapping! ?Die!? *ahem* Dear Whacko, I'm not sure what "rampant nepotism in the movie industry" has to do with a guy who runs a movie website. If I were taking advantage of nepotism in the movie industry then chances are I wouldn't be running this site. I'd most likely be livin' it up on a beach somewhere. Now some people might think it a little odd that you'd demand my death just because of one comment from a silly little review, but I'm more interested in why you put your command in quotes. Is that some sort of weird way of speaking in the 3rd person? Perhaps you were quoting yourself? Or maybe you're just an idiot? I have no idea why you decided to go on a little rant about Jews in your email, going so far as to accuse me of being one. It's just odd since I'm not Jewish, and nothing in my review indicates that I am. But I guess we're all guilty of making assumptions from time to time. For example, based on your email I assume you're a knuckle-draggin' half-wit with a pronounced forehead whose family most likely converses through a series of clicks and grunts and shows affection by flinging feces at each other. See how it feels when someone makes assumptions about you? Although, unlike your accusations, I have to admit that mine have merit. Nice job of providing a fake return email address, by the way. It was the biker boots that convinced you to remain completely anonymous, wasn't it? Ah well. Here's hoping that maturity will accompany puberty. Good luck. jb Posted: May 22, 2006 Folks, I honestly didn't see this coming - someone rising to the defense of See No Evil. That's right, there appears to be at least one person out there willing to stand up for the artistic merits of this delectable bite of cinema gourmet. I feel so ashamed for daring to poke fun at it. From: Somebody who most likely worked on the film Your review is so self-satisfied and faux-ironic, it's hard to take your comments seriously. Impossible, actually. Go ahead ... give it a bad review if that's your honest take. Just know that you're not nearly as funny as you think you are. Dear Somebody who most likely worked on the film, You bring up an excellent point, and I think it's true that I'm not as funny as I think I am. If I'm being honest then the fact of the matter is that I'm most likely FUNNIER than I think I am. It's just that I have way too much humility to admit it. But I'd like to thank you for being the one to point it out. As for your comments regarding my review, well, you're probably right in stating that it's self-satisfied. After all, I'm pretty satisfied with the review. I've re-read it three or four times since writing it and each time I've chuckled like a school girl. Even though I'm not really sure why school girls are often stereotyped as always giggling and chuckling. I'm still trying to figure out how it's faux-ironic though. Feel free to get back to me about that. Oh, and if you do, could you tell me which part of the movie you worked on? Gaffer? Best boy grip? Just curious. Thanks! Sincerely, jb Posted: February 20, 2006 Wow. One guy (pre-teen) was so upset with my review of Date Movie that he labeled it the "worst review ever." That's quite a statement. Let's see what he has to say... From: Moviesaremyhomeboy Subject: Worst review ever! See, if you go to a stupid spoofing humor, you get stupid spoofing humor. That was one messsed up review, I chuckled at parts where you thought it wasnt funny, the whole hairball thing! Dear Moviesaremyhomeboy, You know what I chuckle at? People's inability to understand how to properly use contractions. That's what I chuckle at. And what exactly is a "stupid spoofing humor"? I'm pretty sure I've never gone to a "stupid spoofing humor." "Hey Johnny, wanna see a movie? What are you in the mood for?" "Hmm, I was thinking I'd like to see a stupid spoofing humor." "Really? Well, how about Jim Carrey's new movie?" "Oh, well that's just a humor. I want a stupid spoofing humor!" You get my point. Well, actually, you're defending Date Movie, so you probably don't. Hey, what exactly is the deal with your name? Shouldn't it be "Moviesaremyhomeboys" with an "s" at the end? How can you have plural movies be your singular homeboy? Just curious. Anyway, thanks for labeling my review as the "worst review ever." Over the course of history there have probably been millions and millions of movie reviews written, so for mine to actually be the absolute worst of all time is quite an accomplishment. Another feather in my cap, if you will. Oh, and please, feed my curiosity one more time. Who read my review to you? Sincerely, jb Posted: February 15, 2006 In response to my poignant, biting, and on-the-mark review of When a Stranger Calls... From: Someone who may or may not be the screenwriter Good job repeating what other critics have already written about the film and making fun of Belle's eyebrows. My, what a talent you are. Dear Possible Cast or Crew Member of this Crappy Movie, Thank you, it feels good when my talent is recognized. However, I must take exception to the contention that I was "repeating" what other critics had written. I was one of the few critics who had posted a review of When a Stranger Calls on its release date. By the time my review was posted, there were only four or five official reviews on rottentomatoes. So if anything, I'd say other critics ended up repeating what I said. It wouldn't be the first time. I recall when more than a couple of people emailed me snippets of CNN's review of A Sound of Thunder which contained two quotes which were nearly identical to ones from my review, which, I should add, was posted before the CNN review. I decided not to pursue legal action because I can't really blame so many people for emulating me. Anyway, thanks again for congratulating me on a job well-done. If you indeed are someone who was involved in the making of When a Stranger Calls then I am truly sorry that I can't return the compliment. Sincerely, jb Posted: May 3, 2005 In response to my hilarious "A Werewolf Movie That Really Bites" tagline suggestion for Cursed... From: A Cursed Fan (???) You're so immature. Your tagline was stupid and actually could be used. "A werewolf movie that really bites." I mean, am I the only one who sees where that actually could be used. Nobody wants to email you and no one cares about your reviews. We probably would have if you had acted educated and not like an big moron. You're not funny so don't even try to be. Grow up. Dear Cursed Fan, I know it can't be easy going through life admitting you're a fan of a movie that bombed as badly at the box office as Cursed did. For that reason, I'll try to be somewhat lenient on you. But there is one thing I'm curious about. If you admit that my tagline is good enough to actually be used by a major studio for a theatrically released movie, then it can't be too stupid, right? You basically proved my point, and I appreciate that. My tagline COULD be used, and it would've been more creative. Therefore, it would seem that I did indeed act educated - I created something that a regular moviegoer, such as yourself, could see being used for a movie. Thanks for the compliment. In the future, just for you, I'll try to act even more educated. I don't want to be "an big moron" as you so grammatically put it. Sincerely, jb Posted: January 31, 2005 In regard to the site in general... From: High School Wonder ur site's pretty lame dude, especially that part at the bottom about ppl with double digit IQ's not getting ur snarky, pathetic humour. gl and all, but methinks u do value ur humour and review writing a bit too high. Dear High School Wonder, Powerful words. Especially coming from a guy who uses "ur" instead of "your" and "u" instead of "you." How can I be expected to compete with such eloquence? I understand your (oops, should that be "ur"?) point about my warning for people with double digit IQs. I can very easily see how someone with a sub-100 IQ might not appreciate me making a statement like that, and I want to thank you for proving *my* point in that regard. Sincerely, jb Posted: December 2, 2004 In regard to my Cell Phones + Quiet Theater = Don't Mix article... From: Irish Dude Dear Johnny Betts, One must marvel why you yearn to exemplify particulars that are universal knowledge among even the most pitiable of people. Do you believe that people need an essay to inform them of the perils of cellular tête-à-tête? There are scores of actions one can dedicate themselves to in order to acquire notice and sense, essentially, substance to their reality. Dear Dr. Phil, Could you please help me out and suggest a few of these "scores of actions" you're referring to? Don't worry if you can only think of one or two. You obviously know your way around a thesaurus, so you can always just pick one action and reel off a handful of fancy-sounding synonyms. I promise to do my very best to find other ways to add substance to my reality. Perhaps I can find someone with his own movie webpage and send him a missive in an attempt to impress him with my grandiloquence. Ideally, the fruit of my efforts will be the uncloaking of the irrelevance of his labors. Please wish me the best of luck in my endeavors. jb P.S. In the interest of grammatical exactitude, your last sentence should've read, "There are scores of actions one can dedicate HIMSELF to in order to acquire notice and sense, essentially, substance to HIS reality." I would've expected you, of all people, to be well-versed in the proper usage of reflexive pronouns. I could act childish and say, "In yo face," but somehow, observing your misstep with triumphant satisfaction doesn't seem altogether proper. Posted: November 29, 2004 In regard to my Stepford Wives review... Subject: Stepford Wives Review From: Mette Bidler please get back on your meds. Dear Ms. Bidler, In order to "get back on" meds, it's required that I had been on them in the first place. Unfortunately for your attempt at a scintillating jab, I have never been on any meds. Anybody who has read *any* of my other reviews knows that. I don't write under the influence of anything other than my sardonic wit. This is all natural, baby, and there's nothing I can do about it. But I do appreciate you being concerned and looking out for me. jb Posted: November 23, 2004 In regard to Shaun of the Dead... Subject: Shaun of the Dead From: AnotherBritfan You sound like a Michael Moore wannabe to me. Trying to get people riled. Nice One - I give you 3 out of 4 stars for the desperation which you show. Dear Yet Another Uptight Brit, 3 out of 4 stars? Man. I thought for sure I'd put in a full 4 stars worth of desperation! I'll try harder next time. I do have to take exception to the Michael Moore comment. He's the last person I'm attempting to be. First of all, I'd have to put on an extra 200 pounds. Then I'd have to start being really misleading in my reviews. So I'll just stick to being Johnny Betts, and I'll let my own intellectual wit do the riling. Sure seems to have worked on you. jb Posted: November 17, 2004 In regard to Shaun of the Dead... Subject: Shaun of the Dead From: Britfan You so do not get this movie. Instead you take this opportunity to bash on Brit-Stuff. Oh my got, when did you get THAT uptight? I will stay away from your websites because you made your point absolutely clear about being way out of line with things. Cheesus Dear Uptight Brit, I looked up "you so do not get this movie" in the dictionary, and ol' Webster defines it as "a phrase somebody uses when he can't refute specific details of a movie's criticism." And I'm a fan of British comedy. When it's funny. Like Fawlty Towers. I'm sorry to hear that you'll be staying away from my "websites," but since my goal has always been to make sure everybody is crystal clear that I'm way out of line with things, I'm glad I have succeeded. jb P.S. Who is your "got"? And what in the world is "cheesus"? A Jesus statue made out of cheese? Must be a British thing. Posted: November 16, 2004 In regard to Seed of Chucky... Subject: cancer? yes From: Iluvchuckee Man go to h*** with your "fanboy" comments. Who are YOU to say stuff like that? And 2 out of 5? I didn't realize I was speaking to a film critic. You sir, are an idiot, please die and get cancer. Dear fanboy, I understand that pre-teens are easily riled, but wishing cancer, death, and Hell upon someone because he doesn't think Seed of Chucky is the cinematic equivalent of the Bible is a level of extremity that I have yet to encounter. Until now. However, I'm a little confused by your list of desires. You asked me (politely I might add) to die and THEN get cancer. How is it possible for me to get cancer after I die? Am I correct in assuming that you want me to "get cancer and die"? That would seem like the logical progression of events. Just let me know. jb P.S. Is your babysitter supposed to let you play on the computer so late at night? I don't want you to get in trouble. |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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