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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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MOVIE HORROR STORIESby Ed So Katie and I went to the movies on Saturday. What was supposed to just be a fun night at the movies ended up being the best night at the movies in my entire life... With nothing better to do on a Saturday night (the previous night was filled with copious amounts of alcohol and neither of us felt like making that two nights in a row), we decided to go see a movie. The movie of choice was Hoodwinked (there's really not that much out there right now). So we got there, bought tickets, ate some Cold Stone, and then went to see the movie. It was alright. Nothing too spectacular. I would recommend it for people who saw Shrek but didn't catch half of the jokes. After the movie ends, Katie has the idea of movie hopping. Considering the exorbitant price of the tickets, I didn't think twice about agreeing to this great idea. After walking around for a bit, we finally decided on King Kong (she acquiesced knowing I really wanted to see it). I warned her that this was a 3+ hour movie that started at 10:00 (you do the math) and that we'd be in there for a loooong time, but she was still about it. We get in there with about 5 minutes before it starts so it doesn't take long before we're wading through the incoming tide of previews. Those finally get out of the way after about the standard 15-20 minutes. The movie starts. I hear the drone of airplanes and the screen pans out to show a formation of WWII bombers (Heinkel He-111s to be precise). "Wasn't King Kong supposed to be in the 30s?" I ask myself. The answer to my brooding thoughts is, 'yes.' Then I notice them start to bomb an English countryside and see four children scampering for their lives out of a house. That's when I realized we were not watching King Kong, but were in fact watching the Chronic(WHAT?!)cles of Narnia. "Well, I wanted to see this one too," I placate myself (which isn't a synonym for pleasure), "so we'll just keep watching it." As soon as I come to this conclusion, the lights turn on and the Chronic(WHAT?!)cles of Narnia vanishes from the screen. Amid a general murmur among the crowd, an usher walks in and apologizes for the difficulties. We will be compensated with free movie passes. And that my friends, is a Hat Trick. Three movies for the price of one. But my story doesn't end there. Oh, no... It takes them about another 10 minutes to get King Kong back on the reel. If you've been keeping up with the mental math, it's now about 10:30 at night. We're gonna be here really late. So the movie proceeds for about another half hour with no hitches. Then at about 11:00 (10:30 plus one half hour) a group of high schoolers comes gallivanting into the theater. It is now an hour into a movie that supposedly started at 10:00, so these guys are obviously movie hopping. Whatever, I really don't care. What I do care about is how loud they are. They roll into the theater shouting back and forth to each other like they're back out on the blacktop during recess. This apparently doesn't sit will with another patron of the theater sitting behind me. "D**n, you be talkin' hella loud!" he politely (or rather indirectly [and ungrammatically]) informs them. Not taking this slight on her behavior before she takes a seat, the high schooler responds "You shut the f up, b**ch!" and flips off Fifty (which he will here forth be known). Now, Fifty isn't about to lose street cred in front of an entire theater of people. He keeps it real. "Don't call me a b**ch, b**ch!" he adeptly ripostes. The target of his jeer will be known as "Beyonce In The Cinema Hoyts" (which will be shortened to B.*.T.C.H). B*TCH also knows that with her posse present, she can't afford losing face. The two let loose with a fusillade of unpleasantries. This is all of course in the middle of the movie across the entire theater (from top to bottom) with dialogue and everything. During this entire exhibition, I'm restraining my building urge to laugh. Finally after a couple minutes, the tirade subsides. "Well that was amusing," I think to myself. Fifty doesn't think so. A few minutes later he and one of his fellow homies heads down to confront this contemptuous harlot. As I'm watching this, all I can think of is the Chappelle Show's sketch, "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." I think to myself, "Is this really happening to me?" "Why you be calling me a b**ch?" he inquires. "I ain't callin' nobody a b**ch. Who I call a b**ch? Who I call a b**ch?" This intellectually devoid altercation continues for several more minutes with the past two quotes being used liberally. Finally, Fifty decides to beat a tactical retreat back to his seats behind us. Shortly thereafter, B*TCH and her posse leave the theater. "I'LL SEE YOU OUTSIDE!!" Fifty shouts from the top of the theater and follows them out the theater with his homies in tow. Fifty and his homies return after about 10 minutes to retrieve their things and depart. I notice two security guards at the bottom of the steps waiting for them at the bottom ready to escort them out. I don't know what I missed, but I'm sure it was entertaining. Thus concludes the single greatest night at the movies ever. Three movies for the price of one and an example of when keeping it real goes wrong... Johnny: After reading this I initially assumed that Ed must live in Memphis and this probably happened at Malco Majestic. He later told me it actually happened in Emeryville, CA. I guess every state has its own Majestic. Moral of the Story: Rather than keeping it real, sometimes you might want to be more interested in keeping it quiet. Send your stories to me and let the whole world know just how dangerous going to the movies can be. |
HOME PAGE  Yes Man Transporter 3 Four Christmases Twilight Quantum of Solace Ghouls Eagle Eye Righteous Kill Tropic Thunder  Weekend Results: 1. Watchmen($55,214,334) 2. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail($8,532,412) 3. Taken($7,334,814) 4. Slumdog Millionaire($6,808,383) 5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop($4,146,316) |
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