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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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MOVIE HORROR STORIESby Johnny Betts I have always had an innate ability to sit behind or in front of the most annoying people in the audience. I once had a streak of about 12 movies where I sat near somebody who loved to provide running commentary. One instance particularly stands out. Let me take you back to 1994. It was opening weekend for True Lies, and as a 19-year-old with less-than-refined tastes (I was still watching Van Damme movies on the big screen) I simply had to immediately see any movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thankfully, it ended up being a good movie, but that has no bearing on this story. Despite its entertainment value, it admittedly requires a little suspension of disbelief. After all, Arnold is the United States' top secret agent but his wife thinks he's a computer salesman. I would have thought that seeing "starring Arnold Schwarzenegger" on the marquee would automatically be accepted as "not entirely plausible," but it looks like I was wrong. An older couple (they looked to be in their 50s) was sitting right behind me, and the wife just would not shut up about everything that just defied her reasoning. "Now how am I supposed to believe his wife has no clue what his job is?" she asked in a casual talking voice, as if she was daring anybody in the audience to answer her. "Oh, I don't know," I thought to myself, "Maybe because it's an action movie WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!" As the movie briskly moved along, the woman seemed intent on not enjoying herself, expressing disgust at every over-the-top-yet-entertaining turn. Her husband's attempts to quiet her were completely ignored. She didn't even miss a beat when at one point he told her, "It's just a movie." She continued her spiel, just daring me to break my oath to never hit a woman. Then she got completely fed up. There's a scene where Arnold is riding a horse, and he directs it into an elevator. The horse sits there calmly in the elevator until it gets to the desired floor. Well, Ms. Talky McCommentary was having none of that. "Oh, now that just does it! How ridiculous! I've ridden horses before, and not only would he not have been able to get the horse on the elevator that easily, but there's no way the horse would've stood there so calmly. This is just stupid." Folks, she wasn't saying this to her husband in a breathy whisper. She acted like she was having a conversation with the entire audience. It was at this point where I reached the highest point of annoyance. I wasn't ready to attack her verbally, but I slowly turned my head and glared at her for a few seconds over my left shoulder. It was subtle, but the look in my eyes made my feelings clear. Apparently, a young kid such as me giving her a look like that didn't sit too well. "Did you see that?" she asked her husband, "How disrespectful!" Disrespectful? Me? Because I dared look at a rude, inconsiderate wainch who had no concept of how to keep her mouth shut during a movie? The irony is rich, is it not? I wanted to turn around and say something, but I chose not to. Amazingly she kept her mouth shut for the rest of the movie, so she obviously got the message. But I have to admit that her mindset still baffles me to this day. Moral of the Story: Leave your commentary, if not your suspension of disbelief, at the door. Send your stories to me and let the whole world know just how dangerous going to the movies can be. |
HOME PAGE  Eagle Eye Righteous Kill Tropic Thunder Traitor Death Race Star Wars: Clone Wars The Dark Knight Journey to the Center of the Earth Hancock  Weekend Results: 1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua($29,300,465) 2. Eagle Eye($17,709,817) 3. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist($11,311,751) 4. Nights in Rodanthe($7,368,259) 5. Appaloosa($5,050,310) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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