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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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MOVIE HORROR STORIESBy Guylian Get Shorty is one of my all-time favourite films. This is due mostly to the brilliant screenplay by Scott Frank, and the fantastic characters and story created by Elmore Leonard. It's good enough to almost make me forget the Movie Horror I experienced when I first saw it in the cinema. Almost. I had settled comfortably in my theatre seat, when I noticed a young man, about my age at the time, making his way along the next row of seats in front of me. I noticed he was carrying a paper shopping bag from my favourite (ok, so it's the only one in the entire city) movie memorabilia/comic book/place to buy your international film magazines store. "Hey," I thought. "He's a Movie Nerd!" - and as a general rule I like movie nerds, they're the ones who get up and re-enact, word perfectly, the lightsaber fight from The Empire Strikes Back while the horrible local commercials are on, or are the only other people watching a screening of the latest Muppet movie with you who aren't accompanied by a bunch of screaming kids. He sat down in the seat diagonally left of me, which is a little closer than I normally like fellow audience members to be, especially in large, almost-empty theatres. But it's cool, I thought, 'cause he's a Movie Nerd. Little did I know how wrong about him I was. The first worrying clue came as he took some magazines out of his paper bag. It was suddenly clear that these purchases did not come from my favourite movie store ... although they probably came from HIS favourite movie store, come to think of it. The magazines were of women very scantily dressed, and we're not talking Playboy or Hustler or such comparatively tame things wrapped in brown paper at your local newsagent – these were images I've only since seen by clicking on a wrong link on the internet, with many of the women pictured performing services that would offend Paris Hilton. There were another couple of girls sitting near me, I don't know how much of the magazines that they saw, but I was the unfortunate one with the front row seat. I pulled out my own PG rated film magazine to read and tried not to notice, and was pleased to see that he put his reading material away again when the film was about to start. But that wasn't the end of it, not at all. In fact it was just the beginning. He began talking to the screen almost immediately, in particular to the actresses on the screen. Every line of dialogue or situation that he could make ANY sexual comment about, he did, in a voice loud enough for the entire cinema to hear. Comments directed to the on-screen Rene Russo about what he'd like to do to her in the privacy of his own pants, comments regarding the name of the character (played by Dennis Farina) "Ray Barbone," and you can guess what he made out of Delroy Lindo's opening speech for a fellow smuggler to "Savvy bulge" to look out for the FBI at the airport. Not wanting to miss any of the movie because of this freak, and certainly not wanting to give any excuse for further attention from a guy who thought sexually abusing women was amusing, I stayed in my seat rather than report him to the cinema. Unfortunately, no one else left to report him either, and it was a huge relief when he left as soon as the film had finished. A Movie Horror Story without a doubt. I'll end this with a request to any and all sex-crazed, small-[male reproductive organed], movie ruining wankers out there who may stumble upon this story: Dear perverts: there are movie theatres for you. They may not have stadium seating and Dolby sound but what they lack in comfort, they make up for with live entertainment and "$2 Peeps." I don't come to your theatres and start quoting Goodfellas, so please don't come to mine and quote lines from Backdoor Sluts 9. Or better yet, stay home with your video collection. I know you've got one. Johnny: Some people just shouldn't be let out of the house. Moral of the Story: I think Guylian summed it up quite nicely with her address to all the perverts out there. Send your stories to me and let the whole world know just how dangerous going to the movies can be. |
HOME PAGE  Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed The Forbidden Kingdom  Weekend Results: 1. Hancock($62,603,879) 2. Wall-E($32,509,203) 3. Wanted($20,050,070) 4. Get Smart($11,109,408) 5. Kung Fu Panda($7,318,635) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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