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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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MOVIE HORROR STORIESby Amy C. Okay, here's another movie story. It was a dark and stormy night. Well, more like evening, but who cares, it was dark and stormy. Amy had returned to the home town movie theater on her spring break to earn some extra ducats when she was an undergrad. Now, it had started as a lovely day. All the other member of the management team had taken my reappearance as an excuse to use up their vacation days. Amy's boss was in the middle of nowhere camping with his kids and everyone not working was at a cookout somewhere south of town -- totally "Deliverance" country. All of this is irrelevant, but you get the picture that Amy was captain of the vessel with no back up in sight. (Have you noticed my creepy use of third person?) It was a fairly busy 7:00 set. Air Force One was the big draw. Two theaters (the 250-seaters) were sold out with people dying to see Harrison Ford as the [rump cheek] kicking President. The trusty staff was in the midst of post-rush clean up. Amy -- manager extraordinaire -- had just restocked the box office with quarters and prepared to give her rousing "If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean" speech she'd stolen from David Spade in Reality Bites. It never failed to inspire awe, fear, and respect in her people. But the intrepid leader never got the chance. Up the south escalator, a blue-suited rent-a-cop (I mean security guard) leapt toward the second story mall movie palace two steps at a time. Breathless both from his jog and from the excitement of having something to do other than walk the corridors pathetically flirting with the girls at the Things Remembered kiosk, the security guard blurted out the fateful words. "It's a tornado. You must evacuate the theater. The manual sez we gotta seal the exits! Oh what shall we do?" There was a slight panicked tremble in his voice. "What you talkin' about Bob?" Amy queried. No answer was necessary. A shadow passed over the skylight, covering the upper level of the mall in darkness. "Oh crap," she said prophetically. There was no one she could call to help her. Amy knew she was on her own here. Without a thought to her own personal safety, the brave little manager mobilized her petrified teenaged staff. You see, this was Indiana, where every school child is taught to fear nature's power. With a steady voice, Amy asked, "Where does Brad keep the flashlights? I'm gone, for like a minute, and everything gets moved!" Finding the torches inside a filing cabinet, Amy armed each usher and dispatched them to each theater with instructions to make the announcement and lead the frightened masses into the service corridor and down to the first floor of the mall where they would be safe from the shoddy construction values of the theater. She gave the order to pull the theater gates shut and lock the box office down. Then, knowing there wasn't a moment to lose, Amy ran to the projection booth. A well known fact of theater life is that, in case of power outage, the projectors must be shut off and the pin pulled from the elaborate pulley system in case the generators fail. Sudden power loss will result in damage to the film. Old celluloid prints would snap and could easily be sliced back together. But Amy knew that celluloid had been phased out of print production in favor of a polyurethane based material. It was sturdier in most respects, but where a celluloid print would snap, polyurethane would s-t-r-e-t-c-h a great deal before finally breaking. This way, entire twenty-minute reels of a film could be destroyed before it snapped. Each reel had a replacement cost of $3 grand and a two day delivery time during which the company would be leaking cash like a sieve. Six theaters running six prints! Amy could foresee the disaster of biblical proportions in the making! With only seconds to spare, she dashed up the stairs to the booth. As she pulled the last pin, the lights suddenly went out. She could hear the frightened shrieks of the audiences and made for the theaters to help usher them to the safety of the lower-level service corridor. In the lobby, she met a tearful 15 year old usher. "They're yelling at me because the movie stopped. They say they want their money back or there will be rioting!" As quick of wit as of foot, she grabbed a roll of re-admit tickets. "But Amy!" cried one concessionist, "Those are re-admits! Think of the expense! What will the District Manager say?!" Amy replied with grim humor, "The District Manager can see me in Hell!" Steely eyed in her resolve, Amy entered the lions' den. "Listen up you slack-jawed nitwits. There's a twister bearing down on us, and I'm not losing anybody on my watch because you are too cheap to lose $6.50! Now, if you'll be so kind as to get your course-featured peasant [hindquarters] into the shelter, I'll give you free passes. Any stragglers get the back of me hand. Questions, comments? I thought not. Now move." One crisis solved, another took its place. This time, frantic parents who'd stuck their kid in Men in Black could not find her. "Please," the mother wept. "Forget me, save my baby!" "I'll come back with your daughter, ma'am, or I'm not coming back at all." With that, she plunged once more into the darkness in search of the little girl, who consequently was on crutches due to a recent soccer injury. A man approached her, grabbing Amy's arm as she passed. "Lady, I spent $27 at the concession stand. What are you going to do about that, huh! I want a refill!" "I've got enough problems without your greed, fatty! Now, get to the shelter, or I'll stuff fifty-pounds of popcorn seed in the orifice of your choice, got me!" Shaking loose of his grasp, Amy found the crippled girl huddled near the drinking fountain. Strapping the child to her back, Amy reunited the family. After making sure every man, woman, and child were safely in the service corridor, Amy took her life into her own hands. She had to lock the day's receipts into the safe before looters broke into the box office. "You'll be killed!" the cashier wailed. "If they lay me down to rest," Amy replied. "Tell my Mom I done my best!" Locking the Man's money in the safe, she made a quick call to the district office in Springfield. "We've got a big one down here, Don. It's bad. I'm shutting her down." "You can't! Replied her district manager. We'll lose the 10:00 set. Thousands of dollars. You keep that place running!" "I'm shutting the whole thing down! There are innocent people here!" As she spoke, the skylight shook. A cow floated by, mooing in frightened tones. "You shut down, and you're done in the movie business, sister. You'll never fill a sleeve of soda cups again!" "Make my day, punk. You do what you've got to do, capitalist pig. I'm too big for this business anyway. I'm going to be a lawyer and be able to buy and sell your middle-management [posteriors]. And P.S. -- who are you fooling with that fake butter junk anyway? You try and take this out on me or any of these kids, I'll blow your little secret so far out of the water, it'll be in orbit." Amy made her way into the safety of the concrete service corridor, heard the weeping of her staff and the griping of the ungrateful customers, knowing in her heart that she'd done the right things and would live to fight on. FIN. Yeah, that totally happened. Except for the cow. Oh, and the janitors couldn't make it in that night, so I had to stay after and clean theaters. How's that for a kick in the pants? It's the theater horror story to end all theater horror stories. Johnny: That's what I call putting life into a movie horror story! Moral of the Story: The lesson I learned? People are generally stupid and greedy, but middle-managers of mall theater chains are EVIL. Send your stories to me and let the whole world know just how dangerous going to the movies can be. |
HOME PAGE  Eagle Eye Righteous Kill Tropic Thunder Traitor Death Race Star Wars: Clone Wars The Dark Knight Journey to the Center of the Earth Hancock  Weekend Results: 1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua($29,300,465) 2. Eagle Eye($17,709,817) 3. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist($11,311,751) 4. Nights in Rodanthe($7,368,259) 5. Appaloosa($5,050,310) |
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