|
Biker Boot Camp: The Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles
|
|
|
In a letter to Jean Baptiste Le Roy, Benjamin Franklin once stated, "...in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." It's important to note that
Mr. Franklin's letter was dated November 13, 1789, long before the Sci Fi Channel was even a glint in any ancestral eye. Had Mr. Franklin lived long enough to view a movie the
caliber of Webs or, even worse, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, then he no doubt would
have made the following addendum: "And that Sci-Fi Originals will smell worse than fish and visitors after three days."
Dumbfounded? Then brush up on your Benjamin Franklin history, please.
That Sci-Fi Originals will produce enough suckage to vacuum every house in China is a given, but sometimes the channel tries to be clever and mask this fact of life. A few unwitting
victims (AKA viewers) might happen upon an innocently titled film like The Bone Snatcher and be tricked into watching a few minutes before changing the channel. However,
there are some titles that instantly warn us, "Stay FAR AWAY unless you like crap." I'd just like to thank whoever is in charge of appropriately warning us with lame titles.
It's an unexpected gesture of nobility ... or maybe these folks actually think their titles are good. In which case, might I recommend professional help?
And remember, kids, if the title doesn't completely give it away then as a backup you can always check the cast list. Like mama always said, "It's better to be thought a bad
movie than to cast Lorenzo Lamas or Patrick Muldoon and remove all doubt.
Let's take a look at a few examples of turd burgers whose stench starts in the name...
|
|
8. ICE SPIDERS
|
One surefire sign that a movie is bad is when its entire plot is summed up in the title. Hmm, let's see, I'm guessing this is a bad movie about giant,
badly-rendered CGI spiders in the ice attacking people.
*Johnny fast forwards through the movie*
Yep, I was right. Would you like to ensure that
people will realize your movie is nearly unwatchable? Simple - take the state of a substance, use it to describe an insect or a reptile, and voila -
ridiculous movie title.
Feel free to try your own. Liquid Roaches. Gas Hamsters. Solid Dung Beetles. See what I mean? Not a single one of you would see
those titles and assume for even a minute that they had a chance to achieve anything above mediocrity.
|
|
7. KOMODO VS. COBRA
|
This is one of the easiest ways to alert viewers that they best keep on channel surfing. Pit one insect or reptile against another and your
job is done. It's almost cheating. You see Komodo Vs. Cobra and images of 40-foot nuclear power-enhanced
creatures immediately come to mind, sending you to the confines of a gentler, less brain-numbing channel (if such a thing exists). If you really want to get
lazy then just have different species of the same family go head-to-head. Boa Vs. Python, anyone?
"Hey Jim, I'm in the mood to make a really bad movie about flying insects fighting each other. Any ideas?"
"How about Bee Vs. Wasp?"
"Genius. I have no idea how you do it. What else do we need?"
"Embarrassingly inept CGI, Michael Paré, and... that's it."
"How about a script?"
*five minutes of laughter later...*
"Yeah, good one."
|
|
6. KAW
|
Nothing says "we ain't trying" like naming your movie after the sound a bird makes. I'll give the title a little credit - it doesn't give away the entire plot. Sure, your 3-year-old
can crack the nut and figure out that ravens are somehow involved, but does Mr. DoogieHowser McSmartyPants instantly recognize that the ravens are somehow working together to
attack a small town? I didn't think so.
Rumor has it that a follow-up was in the works, and it was to be called Screech. However, there were concerns that Dustin Diamond might lobby for a role, and that was
a level to which not even the Sci Fi Channel was willing to stoop.
|
|
5. ALIEN EXPRESS
|
Ah, a good old-fashioned bad alien movie. The Sci Fi Channel is full of 'em - Alien Apocalypse, Alien Hunter, the list goes on - but nothing shouts
"craptacular" quite like instant notification that we've got aliens running loose on a train. I still remember a co-worker's reaction when I told her I had
watched this ill-advised use of celluloid:
JB: "Hey Kelly, guess what I watched last night?"
Kelly: "Something with Josh Brolin in it?"
JB: "No, Alien Express!"
Kelly: "Um, is that about aliens on a train or something?"
JB: "Well, yeah, pretty much."
Kelly: "Why in the world would you waste your time watching something like that?"
JB: "It's hard to explain."
Hey Sci Fi, if you're running low on ideas then allow me to pitch Alien Airways. If that's not crap on a golden stick then I don't know what is.
|
|
4. MEGA SNAKE
|
I'd be remiss if I neglected to mention one of the old standbys - just inform your audience that your movie contains a giant reptile. Come on, who sees a title as
painfully generic as Mega Snake or Supergator and thinks, "Could be good"? Nobody with a triple digit IQ, I can guarantee you that.
What's next, Ginormous Gecko? Large Tortoise, perhaps?
|
|
3. FRANKENFISH
|
Do you have aspirations of making a really bad movie one day? Well, you might want to start with a story that revolves around killer fish. Now, keep in mind that anybody can
hack up a putrid fish movie. You have to set your sites higher than the generalities of Snakehead Terror and take your
ineptitude to horrific new levels. Combine your fish of choice with the title of a well-known horror flick, and it's game, set, match. Example: Frankenstein + fish =
Frankenfish. 'Nuff said.
Please understand that your film doesn't necessarily need to involve fish. The most important element here is playing off an already established horror classic. How
about an experiment gone horribly wrong with a jackal? Well, my friends, we've got Dr. Jackyl and Mr. Hyde.
You could get really ambitious and combine two different mythological characters. I'm thinking Krakula, a psychological thriller about a vampire Kraken, just might
be the ticket.
|
|
2. HAMMERHEAD: SHARK FRENZY
|
Lucky for y'all I've got a minor in math, and if my calculations are correct then there has been exactly one good shark film in the history of cinema - Jaws.
Everything else is just bad with varying levels of budget and camp value. You can watch anything from Deep Blue Sea to the Shark Attack series if you
need definitive proof.
If you're looking to break into the "bad movie" business then you'll immediately be behind the eight ball if you decide to go the shark movie route. In that case, your
best strategy is to name the film something absolutely ridiculous like Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy and then slap the
titular character into an even more ridiculous rubber outfit (see the picture on the left) and run with it.
The title doesn't even have to make sense. If you've seen the film (and believe me, I don't recommend you do that to yourself, just read
my review) then you know there is only one human/shark hybrid in the film and he doesn't exactly go into a frenzy.
A bored rage, perhaps, but not really a frenzy.
Why did they go with hammerheads in this film? After all, they're only ranked #6 when it comes to attacking humans. I say shoot for the stars with the shark
holding the top spot, baby! That's why I'm currently working on Great White: Shark Brouhaha. Stay tuned for more details as they become available.
|
|
1. MANSQUITO
|
Ah, good ol' Mansquito. The film that dared create a title that is the hybrid of "man" and "mosquito." Cut and wrap
that any way you like, but that takes moxy.
Can you imagine going to your high school or college reunion, announcing that you're "making movies," and being forced to explain that your most recent work was
Mansquito? That can't be good for the reputation or the ego. Thankfully, it's beyond good for
the mockery ammunition of bad cinema lovers everywhere.
If you're making a Sci-Fi Original and you're desperate for a really bad title then go the safe route and name your movie the same way you might attempt to name
a laughable He-Man bad guy. If your character sounds like he might be a good match for Buzz-Off then you're good to go. Just remember - Mer-Man is already taken.
Men-tipede, however, isn't.
Whoa, I was just hit with some major inspiration. Check this out - W.A.S.P. Stick the head of a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant on the body of a wasp and
man oh man, I'm thinking we just might have the best movie ever. I just got chills.
How about you? Do you have any lame Sci-Fi Originals you'd like to add? Any titles of your own to throw into the mix? Feel free to comment below...
|
| Reader Comments |
On Monday, October 22, 2007 at 3:46:02 PM Shane mused:
I so can not wait to see W.A.S.P.!
How about the oscar winning "The Thing Below:" A movie with a budget so low that they had to animate the blood on the victims! Or Lake Placid 2, the movie where the biggest star is John Schneider from Dukes of Hazzard? Getting killed off of Smallville didn't do to much good for the guy!
|
On Friday, October 26, 2007 at 5:16:28 PM Amber is a sexy beast mused:
scanned through it. here's comment #2!!!
|
On Friday, October 26, 2007 at 6:16:40 PM Ms. Cali mused:
JB, I will have you know that I had a nice funny comment all written up (first one too), but I didn't have enough time left on my break to finish it and had to give up. :(
So here it goes again - no promises that I will be funny this time though.
I agree with you that Manquito is the best bad title. Frankenfish is my other favorite. But you know what is missing? Only the wonder that is DinoCroc! How could you have forgotten that one?
Mr. C was coming up with his own bad sci-fi titles the other day. Maybe one day we will see them on screen - Dracenstein, with it's sequels Bride of Dracenstein, Son of Dracenstein, Dracenstein v. Wolfmerman, and of course, the instant classic, Dracenstein v. Mansquito (or DinoCroc, or Frankenfish. I'm sure they will make all three actually).
|
On Friday, October 26, 2007 at 7:58:25 PM mused:
One of the the worst movies I've seen is:Bug- the movie was totally a disappointment. I was expecting to see a movie about bugs inside human flesh at least.It turns out to be just two people that were crazy,doing drugs, and hallucinating.Mosquito Man I should not have even rented a title like that,but I was bored and found myself even more bored after watching it, made me think by to The Fly.
|
On Friday, October 26, 2007 at 7:59:55 PM Nikki mused:
Just posted the above comment, forgot to leave name.
|
On Friday, October 26, 2007 at 11:11:59 PM TaMara mused:
Where is the Pumpkinhead love? Or is it not a SciFi original? Funny stuff JB.
|
On Saturday, October 27, 2007 at 12:10:30 AM papillonflyers mused:
I Didn't know that you miss me posting that much:)Well I must say that it is on now. But for real I enjoy the Sci Fi to be honest the only time I think about the channel is when I read your reviews. But hey you can't leave us what I'm I'm going to do without The Movie Mark? I'm already on Movie Mark withdraws on the weekend.
|
On Saturday, October 27, 2007 at 8:52:56 AM A.Ann mused:
Blind Martians: not deaf, never dumb.
|
On Saturday, October 27, 2007 at 10:28:19 AM Renee in TX mused:
You have mastered the formula! The next time I see Zombie Guinea Pigs vs. Mega Alien Frenzy I will think of you.
|
On Saturday, October 27, 2007 at 1:06:06 PM Johnny Betts mused:
Ah, look at all the love! I knew y'all would pull through.
Neither Pumpkinhead nor DinoCroc are Sci-Fi Originals, if you can believe that!
But that sets up an excellent topic for a new article - worst titles for horror/sci-fi movies that are not Sci-Fi Originals.
In addition to some of the delights already mentioned here, I'm thinking "The Gingerdead Man" and "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" will make the cut.
Thanks, gals. You ladies are proving that females are much more creative and less lazy than guys, since you are the ones who have answered the call...
|
On Sunday, October 28, 2007 at 10:42:55 AM Laslo Hollyfeld mused:
JB, I'm sorry I missed this. I was gone a good chunk of the past couple of weeks, and, well, there you go.
So, even though I'm late to the party, let me share my meager offering:
Corey Feldman vs. Giant Leeches. Tagline: Who sucks more?
|
On Sunday, October 28, 2007 at 1:58:37 PM MsAng mused:
wow, this IS a handy little feedback thingy. I don't have cable and I've never watched the Sci-Fi channel, and I'm only here because you guilted me into it. There. you happy now? ;)
But your list was very funny, I must say. The pictures and these ideas... craziness.
Write me.
|
On Sunday, October 28, 2007 at 9:59:32 PM Dennis B. mused:
I can't believe Harpies didn't make that list. Pretty much anything put out by Troma or Full Moon could easily make the list too. Most recent one i can think of
"Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead".
For the record... I enjoyed "Bug". Nothing like i was expecting.
|
On Monday, October 29, 2007 at 7:48:41 AM Trantee mused:
I'm posting here, so J.B. can feel all important, loved, valued and big and stuff...*cough*
*Reads in a monotone voice, from a card some dewd just gave him* : "Oh Johnny.. you are so great .. I love you work so much .. you are my number one .." and so on and so on *makes handgesture*
Anyhoo, that suit from Hammerhead looks like something that could be used in a Power Rangers episode O.ő
On topic : we don't have Sci-Fi Channel here, nor do i know what the hell Sci-Fi is.. It all looks like cra..uhm.. booboo to me. /shrug
On topic of the titles of the movies, I like the Movie Mark Originals Movie Titles better :|
Happy regards,
moi
|
On Monday, October 29, 2007 at 8:02:38 AM Julian mused:
I've got a new title :
"No meds for old Betts", starring Johnny Betts himself and co-starring the cream of the crap.
Box office gold!
|
On Monday, October 29, 2007 at 9:24:47 AM Justin C. mused:
"It (and Johnny B.) Sucks!"
A review of a reviewer.
|
On Monday, October 29, 2007 at 10:23:47 PM tigerjeb mused:
howza bout MANDINGO. a period piece set in austrailia during the late 1800's. a aboriginal is brutally killed by a white settler after his crazy wife accuses him of...well you know. the vengful spirit of the great dingo takes over the corpse and the appropriate carnage ensues.
just send me a royalty check every few months.
|
|
