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Biker Boot Camp: Johnny's Tips for High Quality Holiday Shopping
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It's that time of the year again. 'Tis the season to be jolly? Yeah, we wish. 'Tis the season
to struggle through irate crowds in search of gifts that will likely go unappreciated. There's nothing
worse than putting time and effort into buying what you think is a nice gift, only to have little Billy
cry his eyes out because you got him a Go Bot rather than a Transformer (oh wait, I just had a
flashback).
Well, ol' Johnny brings you tidings of joy! Here are five tips to help you in your Christmas shopping.
These won't necessarily help you find the perfect gift, as that is receiver-specific, however, they
will help you avoid purchasing extremely disappointing presents.
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5. VHS IS YESTERDAY'S TECHNOLOGY.
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I can't believe I have to point this out, but please get your loved ones DVDs. I know some of you old-schoolers drool at Blockbusters' "10 VHS movies
for $10" deal, but I assure you your 25-year-old nephew will not get much use out of a VHS copy of Grease. I know YOU may still use a VCR, but
that just means you have yet to catch up with 90% of humanity. Would you still buy somebody a cassette?
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4. THEY'RE $1 FOR A REASON.
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Yes, Wal-Mart's $1 DVD bin looks very inviting, and I understand and appreciate your desire to save money. But what you have to
understand is that the majority of these DVDs will only be acceptable to old people and little kids who don't know any better.
Rationalizing your purchase of Sci-Fighter with thoughts such as, "This looks like a combination of Science Fiction and Action, and
I know Johnny likes Science Fiction and Action!" is poor reasoning at best, thoughtless gift purchasing at worst.
Warning Sign #1 - the movie is called SCI-FIGHTER! Come on. Warning Sign #2 - It stars Lorenzo Lamas. Use financial sense, but
not at the expense of common sense.
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3. NO SUBSTITUTES PLEASE.
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When little Billy asks for The Young Riders DVD set because "Josh Brolin is absolutely awesome as Wild Bill Hickok," what he means is, "Josh Brolin rules
and I want The Young Riders on DVD."
What he does NOT mean is, "It's OK if you don't want to spend the extra money to buy what I really want. I'll be happy with a $5 copy of 1940's Young
Bill Hickok, starring Roy Rogers." He won't be happy, and neither will you in about 10 years when he does YOUR Christmas shopping at the Dollar Tree
with a $5 bill.
Did Aunt Sandy really think I'd forgotten "The Christmas Fiasco of 1985"? Don't think so. Merry Christmas, Aunt Sandy! I know you asked for Elvis Christmas
CDs, but how could I pass up the Dollar Tree's An Alice Cooper Christmas? Keep this in mind for the future, wainch.
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2. AN ACTOR'S MOVIES AREN'T ALL THE SAME.
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This is an important one. Folks, just because somebody liked a movie with a particular actor in it doesn't mean he or she will like every
single movie this actor is in. To this day I have no idea how answering "Yes" to "Didn't you like The Sixth Sense and the Die
Hard series?" translated into, "Yes, so please get me a copy of Bruce Willis' The Kid!"
You'll also want to be wary of buying movies from earlier in an actor's career. The fact that Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore
are hilarious does not mean Going Overboard is. Trust me; it isn't.
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1. TAKE BOX COVER MOVIE QUOTES WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
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I urge you to raise a cautious eye when you read a quote from Stu Dio Plant from ilovesonymovies.com touting Sony's
Freedomland as a powerful story of human tragedy.
Such a quote should be discounted unless it's made clear that the human tragedy in question is that
of anybody who dares sit through this tripe.
Also, any quotes using the term "tour de force" should be automatically ignored, as well as anything
positive said about Date Movie.
I know my quotes can currently only be found on the back of
Chinese bootlegs, so please write your congressmen and demand equality in whose quotes get used on
DVD cover art. Be creative and make an argument about "fair use" or something.
You'll be ignored, but wouldn't it be hilarious if somebody actually sent a
letter to Congress pleading for Johnny Betts' quotes to be used on DVDs? Who wants to volunteer?
I'll sing your praises and post a copy of the letter on TMM if you so dare.
As always, I also encourage you to buy used DVDs. Allow me to refer you to one of my classic
articles, DVDs: Buy or Rent? New or Used?, to find out
why.
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| Reader Comments |
On Friday, December 07, 2007 at 1:23:18 PM Guy mused:
I had someone give me a VHS just last week... I looked at him in disgust and said 'What am I supposed to do with this?' since I haven't used VHS for a couple of years now... Have these people had their heads in the sand or what?
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On Friday, December 07, 2007 at 2:16:37 PM Shane mused:
Well, there are people who still like VHS (Me for example). But I do agree with most of these.
"You'll also want to be wary of buying movies from earlier in an actor's career. The fact that Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore are hilarious does not mean Going Overboard is. Trust me; it isn't."
I had the same experience after I saw Miss Congeniality and my sister got me a copy of "Love Potion #9" because Sandra Bullock was in it.
Thanks for these wise tips, Johnny. Merry Christmas!
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On Friday, December 07, 2007 at 9:11:25 PM theJadedRogue mused:
So I'm a long time reader, always silent, and I must say you've hit the nail(s) on the head with these lovely tips.
I work in retail (That place with the Big Red K), hot items for DVD's this year is Transformers (Please see Johnny's review, I know its here somewhere) and Superbad (or is it Superdad? I don't know, I simply point and grunt when I ppl ask for these titles) *makes the sign of the cross* There is no accounting for people's taste, Johnny.
Another tip, please, please when you go shopping, come knowing what you are looking for. "You that movie with that guy in it, you know the one?" is not a surefire way of me (or any sane associate, especially one that isn't telepathic!) knowing what title you are looking for. (It was Shooter btw, after much guessing and snapping fingers and the guy mentioning "That song, Good Vibrations?" Thank You, Marky Mark for those abs) Just remember, know what you are looking for :)
Long Live Josh B! Oscar time, baby :)
tJR
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On Saturday, December 08, 2007 at 11:19:52 PM TaMara mused:
Very informative! This is my first year for "serious Christmas shopping" so your words of advice are gold!
Just typing this I saw your copyright! I dare someone to try to copyright with the threat of butt kicking!
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On Monday, December 10, 2007 at 9:33:53 AM Justin Case mused:
Would you please come out of the closet already and admit that you're gay and in love with Josh Brolin? Jesh. Enough already.
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