Movie Minutiae - Cancellation Notices
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
Contact Johnny
Allow me to propose a crazy idea. I don't expect this to be wildly popular with the movie studios, but
I think it's something that all moviegoers can rally around.
When you buy a movie ticket, I think you should also receive a pink notice of cancellation. You know what I'm
talking about. If you've ever been talked into buying a "student discount" magazine subscription, then I know
you've thanked God after seeing that beautiful notice of cancellation. I'll never forget the time I let two
college girls traipse into my kitchen and proceed to charm me into buying some magazines.
They were poor college gals, you see, and all they were trying to do was win a trip to Rome because
that's certainly something they couldn't afford themselves, being as destitute and poverty stricken as they
were. Then they started talking about how buff I was, but for just $40 I could get a subscription to Muscle
& Fitness and be even MORE buff. Despite the ego boost, I didn't really want to get the subscription. But
they deceived me so effectively that I was guilted into getting it.
After they left, I was consumed with buyer's remorse. Did I really need 24 issues of Muscle & Fitness? I
could leaf through the stupid thing at the bookstore if I was really interested. Then I did a little research
on the company and found out the gals hadn't exactly been shootin' straight with me. What annoyed me the most
was the "discount" ended up being negated by the $10 processing fee that was added to the total AFTER I had
agreed to the subscription. I had to find a way to get myself out of this dilemma.
I retrieved my receipt, and that's when I discovered that most beautiful of creatures - the pink "notice of
cancellation" slip. My eyes hurriedly ran across the thin paper, and my heart beat with joy as I read those
sweet words, "You may cancel this transaction, without any penalty or obligation, within three business days
from the sales date." HALLEBOOYA! It was like water to a man stranded in the desert. It was like a fiancée
to a newly divorced J Lo. It was a beautiful thing to see. A simple way to correct a mistake that was made
without proper consideration.
Wouldn't it be great if you had this same luxury when buying a movie ticket? I propose that with every movie
ticket purchase, you should receive a notice of cancellation. That way whenever you spend your hard-earned
money on a movie that's less enjoyable than watching Rosie O'Donnell bathe (
STEPFORD WIVES) then you can simply fill out the slip and return it to the movie studio who will then
send you a refund within ten business days.
Hollywood knows when it's selling an inferior product. "The Stepford Wives"
rated poorly with test audiences. So did the producers take a stand and refuse to release a bad movie to the public?
Nope, they tried polishing a turd, and folks, it simply doesn't work. It's only fair that we tell the studios,
"Hey, I'll pay you my money when you deliver what I'm expecting ... AN ENTERTAINING MOVIE!"
If Hollywood found itself signing a bunch of reimbursement checks, then it might start to rethink some of the rubbish
it planned on releasing. Do I want to pay to experience two hours of pain? No. But sometimes it's easy to be fooled
by a slickly produced trailer. Movie wizards have the technology to condense two hours of manure into two minutes
of an entertaining trailer. So I'm sorry Movie Magnates, but I'm taking a stand - airbrushing a movie just enough to
convince the public that it's entertaining is false advertisement, plain and simple. Deliver what you advertise,
Hollywood, or give us our money back.
Oh, and what about a reviewer like me who sees the majority of my movies for free? Well, I'm drafting a contract
that I plan on sending to the movie studios whenever I'm forced to sit through a celluloid version of crap. I'll
state my hourly wage (so if you're gonna make a bad film then you better make it short), and I'll ask for gas
reimbursement. I may even request a little something for "pain and suffering." I'm not asking for much. Just a
little accountability.
This is just my opinion, you could be wrong.
|
