Movie Minutiae - Cheesy Quotes That Johnny One Day Hopes to Incorporate Into an Intentionally Cheesy Movie
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
Contact Johnny
Some of you know that I have grandiose plans of one day writing a script for an intentionally bad movie.
Sort of a spoof on the bad movie genre. I typically criticize the creators of bad movies when they don't make
them bad enough. If you're gonna be bad, then pull out all the stops - cheesy one-liners, characters with a
ridiculous lack of common sense, etc. I feel it's my duty to give you a taste of quotes that should be in
bad movies. They might not make sense, but isn't that the whole point?
April 13, 2005
Since I've been coming up with cheesy quotes that I one day hope to incorporate into an intentionally
cheesy movie, I guess I should come up with some ideas for the actual movies, right? Welp, I've got an idea that
simply cannot fail. Did anybody see Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday? If not, then I'll just point
out that it's the 9th installment in the Friday the 13th franchise. I haven't seen it, but that doesn't prevent
me from presenting my novel idea. Drum roll please!
*drum roll*
Jason Goes to Heaven: The Good Friday. It's perfect. Jason finds salvation. I haven't fleshed out the
details yet, but there'd have to be at least one scene of him in Sunday School class wearing his hockey mask.
Don't ask me how I do it, folks. It's just a gift I suppose.
April 11, 2005
I'm bringing a new element to our hero - he's a stickler for good grammar. Sure, it's fine and dandy to be the
action hero who is the kicker of much rump cheekage, but that doesn't mean he can't teach kids how important good grammar
is. He'll definitely rush to the aide of a girl being slapped around by her boyfriend, but he'll also stop to admonish
you on the improper use of reflexive pronouns. It makes him well-rounded.
So, with that being said... our good guys find themselves surrounded by trouble...
Expendable Good Guy #1: Look, in order to survive, we're gonna have to
split up.
Expendable Good Guy #2: Split up? Are you crazy? We'll die for
sure!
OUR HERO: Could be worse ... *takes his sunglasses off, removes
the cool guy tooth pick from his mouth, and turns to the camera* At least he's not suggesting we
split an infinitive.
Thank you, thank you. That's B-movie gold and you know it.
April 6, 2005
After a bad guy finishes blubbering and pleading for his life, the hero looks him square in the eye and
deadpans:
"You can whistle Dixie all you want, chico. But Ms. Dixie's out gettin' a pedicure."
April 5, 2005
To be honest, I have no idea where this quote came from. I just woke up with it in my head, and it's
what spawned this section. Must've been a really strange dream that I have no recollection of.
"Even a stale Texas wind has to blow fresh twice a day."
Thank you.
|
