Movie Minutiae - An icon, an industry.
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
Contact Johnny
"I'm more than an actor. I'm an icon, an industry."
Who made the statement above? James Dean? That would certainly be understandable considering the success he
had in such a short career. It's an understatement to say his role in Rebel Without a Cause cemented
his fixture in American culture. Or maybe it was Marlon Brando. Considered by many to be the greatest actor
of all time, he won 2 Oscars and was nominated a record-tying four years in a row from 1951-1954. In his
prime, he had no peer. Or could it have been Paul Newman? Ten Oscar nominations and his long-time heartthrob
status would certainly make him a candidate.
Or perhaps it was Mr. Box Office Gold himself, Harrison Ford. At one time he held the Guinness world record for
"Highest Box Office Grossing Actor." After all, he starred in two of the most profitable trilogies of all time -
Star Wars (#1 in U.S. box office) and Indiana Jones (#5 in U.S. box office), and the movies he has starred in
have averaged a gross of over $100 million. Not too shabby. There's no doubt Ford would be at the top of most
people's "Screen Icons" list.
But believe it or not, that quote cannot be claimed by any of the above. "Well who was it, Johnny? Jack
Nicholson? Gary Cooper? Spencer Tracy? Brad Pitt?" Nope. It may come as a shock, but the statement was
made by none other than...
Corey Feldman, star of the Sci-Fi original movie - Puppet Master vs.
Demonic Toys.
I don't want to criticize someone just for the sake of being critical, but when you make a statement like
the one above, then you are just begging to be examined under the light of scrutiny. I admit, it's not completely
unheard of in this day and age for somebody to feel a little nostalgic and slip Stand By Me, The
Goonies, or The Lost Boys into the DVD player. Upon completion of the movie, it's possible that
someone may wonder, "Hey, what's Corey Feldman up to these days?" The easy answer? Not his neck with movie
offers.
But why is this so? I mean, come on, he's an icon, an industry! Well, is he really? Or is he just a
narcissist who cannot let go of former glory? The answer lies in his own words.
Corey recently participated in what his official website calls an
"Awesome Interview recommended by
Corey himself!" Since it comes so highly recommended, then I think it's only fair we examine what Corey
had to say in response to questions from online fans. After all, he's more than an actor. He's an icon, an
industry.
Rumor has it that there are plans for Goonies 2. Does Corey think it will happen?
"You don't want to make a crap sequel, or you'd rather not do it at all."
That's certainly a healthy outlook. But the skeptic would ask for an explanation regarding Dream a Little
Dream 2 or Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys. Is it all right
to make crap sequels when desperation and paychecks are involved? But who are we to judge Corey's double
standards? He's an icon, an industry.
But even icons have a misstep every now and then, right? So does Corey regret any of the movies he has made?
"All of those took place between the period of 1989 and 1993. After that, I never made a
movie I didn't want to make."
The skeptic would look at Corey's post-1993 resume and choke with laughter when seeing such movie juggernauts
as Serial Killing 4 Dummys, Bikini Bandits, and The Thief & the Stripper. But whose
judgment should we trust regarding what movies look good on a resume, that of a skeptic? Or that of an icon,
an industry?
I think we all know that Corey's judgment is flawless. The man did have the sense to star in eight movies,
count 'em - EIGHT, with Corey Haim. Who cares if Haim looks like an overweight Zachary Ty Bryan these days,
those two owe it to all 7 of their fans to reunite. But will it ever happen?
"I think the fans would definitely dig it, but the timing has to be right, personally and
professionally. At some point, though, I'd love to do something magical with Corey again."
The timing has to be right? The skeptic has to wonder if "wrong timing" is even in the dictionary of the
man who agreed to star in Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys.
That must be an interesting dictionary. I'm curious as to what its definition of "magical" is. Most people
don't think of movies such as The Last Resort or Busted as being "magical." Well, most people
haven't heard of those celluloid disasters. But hey, he's the icon, the industry. Not us.
In fact, he's such an icon, such an industry, that he's already conquered Hollywood and is now taking aim at
the music business. When I first heard that Corey was gonna try his hand at music, I couldn't help but think,
"Well it's about time!" But was the world ready for his voice? Do they accept it?
"For the most part they love it. People that come see me or hear my music for the first
time are generally surprised how good it is."
This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that Corey's album, Former Child Actor, is sitting pretty at
#125,948 in Amazon's sales rankings. Watch out, Billboard, the Feld MAN is coming to shake you up! And
the listeners couldn't be more complimentary:
"If this is not the worst CD I have ever had the misfortunate opportunity to listen to, then I forgot
something that should have personally scarred me. I know this album did."
"People, this is the winner of the worst CD of the ALL TIME."
"There hasn't been a singer/songwriter this bad since Eddie Murphy put out a music CD!"
"What hubris it must take to put out crap like this."
"Where's my mommy, I need a hug, the bad man won't stop wailing!"
"This is the worst thing that has ever been committed to any recorded media."
Can't you just feel the love? Ah well, I suppose it just takes time to become a NEW icon, a NEW industry.
Hey, perhaps he can try his hand at the fashion industry? At least one fan out there wondered what Feldman's
underwear of choice is. Boxers? Briefs? Boxer-briefs? Commando?
"I guess I'm an Arnold Schwarzenegger kind of guy."
The skeptic just vomited on the ground, and didn't even have time to find a yellow bucket. But Corey's clearly
a genius. Those of us "in the know" realize that this is Corey's too-clever-for-you way of answering the
question. Schwarzenegger starred in Commando, you see. It's kind of like a puzzle that Corey leaves for us
to figure out.
But I think the real puzzle here is who does Corey think would revel in that answer? Nobody wants that image in
their head! But what do I know? I'm neither an icon, nor an industry.
Maybe I'm giving Corey too hard of a time. Perhaps he was just having a little fun with the interview, giving
his fans answers he thought they wanted to hear. I'm sure a close look at his official website will give us a
more focused look on where Corey's career is...
"Corey is currently in filming a movie called THE BIRTHDAY. The film is also starring Erica
Prior (and other names will be posted soon). It is a dark comedy/phsycological thriller and is being directed
by Euginio Mira who is being hailed as the Quentin Tarentino of Spain."
Yeah, I'm sure that's who he's being hailed as. I have no doubt that it's meaningless that a Google search
doesn't provide any proof that ANYBODY has ever referred to this Mira guy as the Quentin "Tarentino" of
anything. Maybe his parents called him that? And the last time I checked, the name is "Tarantino." It would
probably help if your official website could use the correct spelling of a director's name who you obviously
want to have some sort of connection with. Perhaps there is a porn director who spells his name "Tarentino,"
and that's who they're referring to.
And what exactly is a "phsycological" thriller? Please Corey, don't turn me into a skeptic. You're an
icon, an industry, right?
"Corey is very excited about this film as it is an art film and the most important acting
role he's taken in over 10 years!"
Wow, that's quite a statement, and I can only assume that whoever wrote it is prone to hyperbole. Let's be
honest here, Corey has played some crucial parts in recent memory. The last movie Corey was in that you may
have actually heard of was Maverick where he played the pivotal role of "Bank Robber." That was in
1994. I'll never forget opening night. The theater was packed with people wearing Corey Feldman shirts,
and when he appeared on screen, there wasn't a butt left in the seats or a hand left unclapped. I shed a
tear.
Since then, Corey's only gone on to bigger and better things. There was his 2004 star-turning role as "Store
Clerk" in the ground-breaking Serial Killing 4 Dummys. Unfortunately, Oscar played the political card
once again and snubbed our icon. And who can forget the acting nuances Corey brought to the role of "Sarah's
Gynecologist" in Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV? On a personal note, I shall never forget his
depiction of the angel Gabriel in Bikini Bandits.
So please, don't tempt me by saying this is the most important role he has taken in over 10 years unless he's
going to absolutely deliver. Not everybody can play a store clerk, Sarah's gynecologist, and the angel
Gabriel. That versatility is reserved for an icon, an industry.
But you know, the skeptic will attempt to play devil's advocate and point out that it's hard to get past the
fact that Corey just made one of the worst movies in recent history, Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, a
movie with less artistic value than the aftermath of Corey's latest bathroom break. It's reasonable to wonder
why he is trying to talk with the same ridiculously fake cigarette-tinged voice that he used back when he
filmed The Lost Boys. Isn't it sad enough that he's the same height as he was then? Does he really
need to attempt to talk in the same voice? Wait, I forgot that he's an icon! An, well, uh, he's an indus...
*sigh* I'm sorry. I just can't keep up the charade any longer. I wish I could perpetuate the myth, but
it's over. If anybody ever tries to tell you that Feldman is an icon, an industry, there are only three
things you need to point out to them:
- He was on The Surreal Life.
- His wedding aired on the finale.
- He asked MC Hammer to officiate it.
There's simply no way to recover from that. It's over. Game. Set. Match. An icon? An industry? I fear
not. Oh, he's more than an actor all right. He's a once-was, a has-been. He's hanging by a thread,
hoping desperately to relive the glory he hasn't seen in 18 years.
Let this be a lesson to you, kids. You can go all out, achieve whatever dreams you're capable of, and then
walk away gracefully when you know it's time to slip away. Or you can be Corey Feldman. I hate to break it to
you, Corey, but 1989 just called, it says the party's over, please turn off the lights.
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