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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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Movie Minutiae - Going to the Movies AloneBy Laslo Hollyfeld, Guest CorrespondentYou know the type of people I’m talking about: people who go to Lord of the Rings and complain about the Elvish syntax later online. Middle-aged men who seem oddly comfortable at Pooh’s Heffalump Movie. In a word, freaks. We’ve all seen them, laughed at them, even pitied them, but we’ve never wanted to be identified as one of them. Before I continue, I must admit to almost seeing a movie in a theater alone. I received a free pass to see Starship Troopers years ago, and went to a matinee on my day off. I say almost because the film broke halfway through and I left, spared from further exposure to Paul Verhoeven’s blood-soaked imagination and Casper Van Dien’s unnaturally large teeth. I think it was the universe’s way of showing me the error of my ways. I listened, and never broke that rule again. Folks, when you go to the movies, you’re supposed to go with someone — that’s the rule. Take your spouse or other loved ones or close friends. If they can’t go for whatever reason, or if you can’t find anyone else, the solution is simple: you don’t go. I know it sounds like I’m being unduly harsh, but remember — I’m just the messenger here. I didn’t make the rule. I remember years ago when I knew nobody wanted to go see Vertical Limit with me. “It’ll suck,” they said, “and you know it.” There was no convincing them, and so I waited until it came out on DVD. I watched it at home for half the price of a theater ticket, and I didn’t have to look at an eighteen-foot-tall Chris O’Donnell on the big screen. Yes, it sucked just as my friends predicted. More importantly, though, I wasn’t breaking the rule. Recently, the importance of this rule was driven home to me when a group of us went to see a late-night screening of Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. As we took our seats, I noticed there was only one guy in the row behind us. I was immediately suspicious of him. After all, what kind of guy goes to an animated film by himself at ten o’clock at night? A late thirties white male with thinning hair and a compensatory goatee, he certainly fit every stereotype I’ve ever imagined. He wore a black “Spiderman vs. Venom” t-shirt underneath an unbuttoned black silk shirt with blue flames around the edges — clearly his “cool” shirt. (This raises another question: who dresses up in their coolest to go sit in a darkened theater alone?) Were-Rabbit being targeted mainly at a younger crowd, the previews were mostly of upcoming animated and other kid-friendly films. This guy started laughing hysterically at the previews, and it continued throughout the feature film. Laughing in and of itself is not a crime at the movies, but this guy’s laughter was unusually loud and somewhat startling. To make matters worse, his obnoxious laughter was punctuated by equally loud, occasionally profanity-laced comments to nobody in particular. Being at a later show, there were mostly adults in the theater. There were, however, a fair number of kids there with their parents, and I thought he was way out of line. Just as I began to think that his actions couldn’t get any stranger, he began clapping in apparent delight when he saw something he liked on the screen. I gave him the “over the shoulder silent glare,” but to no avail. He didn’t even notice me. He was silent for a time; until the Were-Rabbit let out a loud belch. He snorted loudly, and then burst into more fits of laughter. I looked back at him again, and this time he was literally sitting on the edge of his seat, a childlike wonder on his face, as he was fixated on the movie. Now, childlike wonder is cute when seen in those under the age of ten, you know — children. In anyone over the age of thirty, it’s just creepy. At that point, I gave up on expending my energies in worrying about him. This guy was obviously off in his own world, and there was no reaching him. Folks, do you really want to be associated with a guy like that? I beg you, if you can’t find a movie-going companion, please — STAY HOME! It’ll just be better for everyone concerned. |
HOME PAGE  Eagle Eye Righteous Kill Tropic Thunder Traitor Death Race Star Wars: Clone Wars The Dark Knight Journey to the Center of the Earth Hancock  Weekend Results: 1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua($29,300,465) 2. Eagle Eye($17,709,817) 3. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist($11,311,751) 4. Nights in Rodanthe($7,368,259) 5. Appaloosa($5,050,310) |
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