Movie Minutiae - Haunted Houses and the Truth in Reviewing
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
Contact Johnny
I love to be scared. Unfortunately, it's getting harder to find entertaining ways to be frightened. Sure, I could
walk through the wrong part of downtown at 2:00 AM, shouting things that would risk death, but I said I love to be
scared, not stupid.
So what should be a fun, easy way to obtain a few frights? A haunted house! Right? You'd think. Sadly, Memphis
is one of the worst cities when it comes to haunted houses. Sorry, but a Jaycees "haunted house" that welcomes
three year olds ain't gonna cut it.
That leaves a group of friends and me with the burden of traveling around the country looking for really good haunted
houses. And by "traveling around the country" I mean "within reasonable distance."
This year's stop was Louisville, KY - the home of the much despised University of Louisville Cardinals. BOOOOOOO!
Forgive me, but college basketball season is just around the corner. If you've never been to Louisville then it
could best be described as Little Rock, AR with fewer teeth and more Deliverance vibes. Scary, I know.
I realize I have some readers from Kentucky, but you're smart enough to read my website, so I trust that such
unflattering descriptions don't apply to you. If they do then allow me to suggest a good dentist.
To be honest, I was quite shocked. Despite my hatred for the U of L, I had always assumed Louisville was somewhat
metropolitan. But we went to Six Flags (you gotta love Ebay and its cheap tickets), and I could've sworn I'd
walked into a hotbed for homeless people. Don't y'all have showers and non-overall clothing in Kentucky? Sheesh.
Ever heard of personal hygiene? Come on! I guess I better move on before I'm once again accused of being
condescending. Even if that's my direct intent.
In our research, we came across glowing reviews for three haunted houses. The reviews seemed to come to a consensus,
so I figured they must be trustworthy. In retrospect, I've come to a consensus that the review writers must have been
promised free admission if they showered enough praise.
The first haunted house we went to has won several "haunt of the year" awards. I don't want to name names and
embarrass anybody, so I'll just refer to it as the Baxter Avenue Morgue. Oops. The reviews just oozed with adoration,
calling it "THE most fear instilling experience around" and even going so far as to suggest that it's the most
"underrated" haunted house in the country. Uh-huh.
Look, I thought the set design was good, and the actors were decent enough, but I wasn't scared a single time. I was
in the very back of a group of about 6 or 8 people, and every single "scare" happened ahead of me, breaking any tension
or suspense. Rather than a frightening experience, it was just merely fun to walk through. The problem? It cost $15
a pop and only lasted 13 minutes!
There was a group of girls in front of us (I'd say they were no older than 15 or 16), and one of them said, "THAT is
supposed to be the scariest haunted house in Kentucky?" To which another replied, "I was laughing the whole way
through." A ringing endorsement? Not quite.
Up next was a "haunt-traction" that rhymes with the Haunted Hotel. Oops again! This one was actually the scariest one
we went through, but there was one major drawback - IT LASTED SEVEN MINUTES! What makes me really mad is that a
particular review website said in regard to the length, and I quote, "20 minutes with the lengthening of the maze."
Bull crap. I'm calling you out Ohio Valley Haunts! I was in the front of our group this time, and I walked as slowly
as I could through the house, and there is NO WAY you can stretch it to 20 minutes. Seven minutes. Seven freakin'
minutes. I timed it. What did y'all do, slither through it on your stomachs? And there was no outdoor "maze."
Sorry, but a path that's perfectly lit and has only one direction in which you can go IS NOT A MAZE!
Like I said, the haunt itself was creepy and very original, but dropping $14 a pop for SEVEN MINUTES is ridiculous.
Can you imagine going to a scary movie, paying full price, getting nice and comfortable, digging into the storyline,
and then seven minutes later the credits roll? You'd consider it unacceptable, and I have to do the same for haunted
houses.
Our last stop was at a haunted house called Culbertson Mansion. Their gimmick is "Literally a Haunted House." The
mansion was built in the late 1800s, so of course whenever you have a house that old its current owners are going to
call it "haunted" to attract attention. I, on the other hand, am gonna call it a money-making scheme. Po-tay-toes,
po-tah-toes.
Anyway, we figured the aspect of this being "literally a haunted house" *snicker* might be kind of neat. Yeah, could
have been - HAD IT ACTUALLY BEEN IN THE MANSION! But nope, the haunted house was set up in some sort of modern-looking
brick building in the back. That's not disappointing or anything. Oh well, this one was only $10 per person, so there's
not much to lose, right?
Wrong. There's $10 per person to lose, and that's exactly what we lost. The Johnny Betts Official Time Clock on this
sucker? Five minutes. Uh-huh. Once again, Ohio Valley Haunts (yep, still calling you out) was very misleading in their
review claiming the length was "about 15 minutes if you're lucky enough to escape!"
That's a prime example of the kind of stuff I hate in reviews of haunted houses. Lucky to escape. Give me a break.
Please quit spouting gibberish like, "The chill of death permeates the air as you walk through an unsettling, bone-rattling
aura of darkness that is sure to cause more panic from within than from without." This ain't Tales from the
Crypt, speak like a human being and be honest about it.
We were at least excited by what was being hailed as some miraculous, cure-for-cancer finish that supposedly made this haunt
worth any amount of money. The folks over at Ohio Valley Haunts misleadingly claimed, "One of a kind ending is
classic" and "the new surprise finish is remarkable" and "surprise finish is a standout!" and "one of a kind finish
most unnerving!" For those of you keeping count, they repeated themselves FOUR TIMES to emphasize how totally awesome
this ending was.
Wow! Sounds great! Can't wait! Too bad only one person in the entire group got to do it. It's not even that great
of a surprise. They pick one person, put him or her in a coffin, and then it slides down a five-foot gurney.
Yeehaw. Considering this "literally haunted house" lasted "literally five minutes," couldn't they have let everybody
ride in the coffin? Unbelievable.
I can understand if somebody actually thought these haunted houses were absolutely terrifying (the reviewers could
be 13-year-olds), so I have to allow for a difference of opinion there. But there's absolutely no excuse in being
so inaccurate about the length times. If I'd known Culbertson Mansion was only 5 minutes long then you better
believe I'd have skipped it.
I guess that's the problem. The people running these haunted houses know that no one will come if they realize how
ridiculously short they are. Well, there's an easy solution to that - BE CREATIVE AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE THEM
LONGER!
Am I the only trustworthy reviewer out there? Am I gonna have to take it upon myself to start doing haunted house
reviews? Hey Sci-Fi Channel, are you listening? Give me a show called Haunted House Hunters and I'll make
sure people know the difference between legitimately scary and a money trap. Pick up my expenses and give me a little
something extra to make it worthwhile, and we've got a deal. Oh, and feel free to see if Jennifer Love Hewitt would
be interested in being my sidekick. We could create a nice tie-in with Ghost Whisperer.
I'm sure if somebody running these haunted houses (or anybody who wrote the reviews) comes across this article then
they'll fire off an angry email. Fine. I say bring it. I'm even angrier than YOU are, chico. You were able to
read this article for free, whereas I spent $78 on 25 minutes worth of entertainment. Ugh. Reading that makes me
even sicker about the whole thing.
All I'm asking for is fairness. $15 for 13 minutes isn't fair. $14 for 7 minutes isn't fair. $10 for 5 minutes isn't
fair. Me calling you out on it? Completely fair. Deal with it. Don't want deserved criticism to be thrown your way?
Then figure out a way to improve and not mislead your audience.
Of course, this is just my opinion; you could be wrong.
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