Movie Minutiae - The Hoff Report
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
Contact Johnny
July 21, 2006
Don't Hassel the Hoff
Stephanie, in an extreme example of "too much Internet surfing time on her hands," came across the "Hofficial"
merchandise store for David Hasselhoff. Good news! He has "Don't Hassel the Hoff" shirts for sale. The bad
news? THEY COST $40!!!!!! Sheesh. To quote Steph, "What a rip hoff."
July 19, 2006
Hasselhoff Begs Us to Make Fun of Him
It's getting to the point where the only thing I'll need to do to run this website is provide daily Hasselhoff
links and throw in a review now and then. The guy's an automatic entertainment machine. The sad thing is he's
trying his best to be taken seriously.
But how can we take a guy seriously who laments over the fact that he has had to drop out of a "pantomime"
production of Peter Pan? Pantomime? Seriously? Thanks to my head Hoff consultant Nikki Bluejeans for
that bit of news. The Hoff closes out that section of his blog by apologizing to all three of his fans, "I know
many of you were looking forward to a trip to London to see me and I'm sorry to disappoint you."
If anybody was actually planning an expensive trip to London for the sole purpose of watching The Hoff in a
pantomime production of Peter Pan then I encourage you to step forward now so that you may receive the
beating that you so richly deserve. It's only then that true healing can begin.
Pantomime? Oh brother.
We're not through just yet. Check out the following video:
The Hoff in Jekyll & Hyde
Now I could proceed to make some very disparaging comments and rip the guy apart, but I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to rise above such actions and show that I don't always have to go for the easy insults. That's
right; I'm gonna let Ms. Bluejeans do that herself. She pretty much says everything I was thinking:
"The very beginning - and then the 'confrontation' itself at about 2:00 in ...
priceless!!! There's even a shocking exposure at the end...
It reminds me of an awkward high school kid singing in front of an audience for the first time. The cheesy
over-annunciation, the nervous vibrato, the horrendous over-acting, the unrelenting pitch-problems ... It is
truly painful for me to sit through. This crap was on Broadway??? I'd much rather subject myself to awful
special effects and bizarre-ly goofy antics than endure that number again, let alone the full-length DVD (and
I have seen it - shaking my head and giggling under my breath as the oblivious Broadway-crazy group I saw it
with watched in utter awe).
It's too bad, too, because the music in that show is really fantastic. They could have had anyone record this
for posterity, but they chose Captain Cheese instead. (sigh)"
There's a full-length DVD of that? Ouch. To the un-trained ear (my ear, to be exact), that was just a
laughable performance. But Nikki knows a little something about the subject (she has a degree in Vocal
Performance, after all), so I figured her comments would help add a little weight to the Hoff criticism.
I'm still waiting for ONE person to sincerely tell me they think this guy is truly the squirrel's cheeks (my
new term that will slowly erase "bee's knees" from our language) when it comes to singing and musical
performance.
The man is now judging talent, folks.
July 12, 2006
Jump In My Car!
Good news! There are even more embarrassing David Hasselhoff music videos for us to laugh at. Take three
minutes of your time and "enjoy" the Hoff's video for
Jump into my Car. You know you can't resist the temptation, so
CLICK HERE NOW!
This video clearly answers the question "Does David Hasselhoff have any shame?" with a resounding "NO!" You
gotta love the Hoff's ability to not only pay tribute to Knight Rider and Baywatch but also
to coin such clever *ahem* phrases as "Don't Hassel the Hoff" and "Hot Cup of Hoffee" all in a mere THREE
MINUTES! How does the guy do it?
We should all be so lucky as to have been blessed with such God-given talent.
The girls at the beginning of the video should have trusted their instinct not to jump in his car. Come on,
the guy just exudes a creepy, perverted aura. The funniest thing about the video (to me, at least) is I
initially thought the girls sang "I know you're gay," but I quickly realized they were actually singing "I know
your game."
I think the way I heard it is more accurate.
Thanks to Jasper G. for the tip.
July 5, 2006
Hasselhoff Videos Galore
David Hasselhoff just refuses to go away. If he's not making news by slicing tendons while shaving then he's
busy getting mad at Wimbledon because he isn't allowed into certain private functions. He reportedly went so
far as to defiantly yell, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Hoff!" The Hoff. The man is now speaking in the
3rd-person and calling himself "The Hoff." Yep, I'd say it's time this jackalope received a Johnny Betts reality
check.
If you're new to the Movie Mark then you may have missed The Hoff's
Hooked on a Feeling video the first time
I posted it. It's one of the cheesiest, most hilariously bad things I've ever seen in my life.
Check it out if you haven't already done so.
Not bad, huh? There's some real talent there. Well, I've got good news! The Hoff decided to grace us with another
horrific music video. This one's for his incredible rendition of Secret Agent Man. And by "incredible"
I mean "incredibly lame." Go ahead; watch
The Hoff demonstrate why he'd make the worst James Bond ever.
Have you had enough yet? Well too bad. You're getting some more. This last video isn't a The Hoff exclusive.
There are a lot of celebrities embarrassing themselves in this one. I present to you...
Stop the Madness.
This is one of those stupid 1980s "public service" videos where a bunch of celebrities get together and pretend
they're making a difference. We Are the World was bad enough, but this takes "blight on the ol' resume" to
a whole new level.
Don't get me wrong; I have no problem with the anti-drug message that the video is trying to send. My problem is
with the fact that somebody thought the way to send the message was by getting a bunch of celebrities and people
together and having them flail their arms around while wearing really bad clothing and sporting ridiculous hair
styles. I almost felt the need to experiment with drugs after sitting through this video.
The real madness that needs to be stopped is the "celebrity PSA videos." There haven't been any in a while, but
just you wait; Bono and friends will be singing about AIDS in Africa before too long, and it won't accomplish
anything except embarrassing a whole bunch of folk. It'll be called "Aid not AIDS" or something the complete
opposite of clever like that.
The video is way too long (over five minutes), but it's worth it just to see Arnold Schwarzenegger smiling like
a buffoon and The Hoff appearing in some girl's mirror telling her to stop the madness. I'll give them credit -
if I were on drugs and The Hoff's hairy chest showed up in my mirror then I'd most likely be convinced to head
to rehab and seek help.
Check it out.
After watching all this, just keep in mind that this is the man who was asked to be a judge on America's Got
Talent. Yeah.
June 5, 2006
The Truth About David Hasselhoff's Dirk Nowitzki Obsession
Well, I now know the impetus to the relationship between David Hasselhoff and Dirk Nowitzki. Looks like I was
right (what's new?) about Nowitzki's German heritage playing into it. My friend Nikki Bluejeans sent me an article
where Dirk explains that when he's shooting free throws he likes to sing songs to himself to calm down, such
horrendous songs as Hasselhoff's Looking For Freedom.
I'd post a link to the article for you to read, but it contains a picture of a nearly nude Hasselhoff (his only
cover being a couple of dogs ?????) that brought me as close to the brink of vomiting as you can get without
going over.
I promise you that I'm emotionally scarred for life after seeing the picture, and I dare not be responsible for
the same thing happening to you. You can thank me with a Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich. Or through Paypal.
May 30, 2006
Things I Have No Desire to Ever See Again
Can somebody please explain to me why David Hasselhoff refuses to leave my TV screen? You know, it was absolutely
hilarious (yet painfully pathetic) when I saw him on the American Idol finale CRYING when Taylor Hicks was
announced as the winner. I mean, that's basically the low point of anybody's career and is most definitely
worthy of ridicule, so I can handle that.
But what I can't handle is the guy being a major focus of the NBA playoffs. The other night I flip over
to the end of the Suns/Mavericks game and I hear the words "David Hasselhoff" come out of the announcer's
mouth. "What on earth?" I think to myself. And then the camera finds Hasselhoff fist-pumping and cheering
on Dirk Nowitzki.
David Hasselhoff is from Baltimore, Maryland! Why in the world is he cheering on Dallas? Ooooooh, you know
what? Dirk Nowitzki is from Germany, and for some inexplicable reason Germans love David Hasselhoff. So
I guess Dave's just cheering Nowitzki. Makes sense, but can somebody please get the guy off my TV? It's all
starting to be a bit much.
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