September 28, 2006

• Screech Like You Never Wanted to See Him. Folks, before you continue to read I would strongly recommend having a bucket handy because you'll likely vomit. It has been reported that a sex tape featuring Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) has surfaced. I'll give you a second to purge...
  
  Apparently, the tape features Screech and two (either very drunk or inflatable) women. Here's the kicker - his agent is trying to find a distributor for the tape and his manager hopes this will raise Screech's profile and resurrect his "acting" career. Oh, and just in case you haven't gagged enough - the name of the tape is Saved by the Smell. Sigh.
  
  This just can't be real. I know there are a lot of sickos out there, but I can't see anybody having an interest in a Screech sex tape. If you're out there then please don't ever introduce yourself. I prefer not to meet you.
  
  If this happens to be legit then I'm gonna go sit in the corner and pray for Armageddon. Can mankind really get much lower than this?



• Russell Continues to Kick it - Crowe Style. Give Russell Crowe all the grief you want, but I love his anti-Hollywood attitude. I love his rants against the highly-overrated, marginally-talented George Clooney, and now he's earned even more respect by squashing rumors that he'd be portraying his friend Steve Irwin in a movie, "It's appalling to me and offends me very deeply. It's so awful that I have to deal with millions of people thinking I would dance on my friend's grave. Yes, I do think there should be a movie made about Steve but I'm not the sort of person who will be doing commerce on my friend's grave."
  
  Give 'em Hades, Russell! Rumor has it that Clooney might be willing to do the project if it could get him another undeserved Oscar nomination.



• Justin Timberlake Still Has No Talent. I have nothing new to add to the subject, but a reader (Lou S.) did send in a passionate editorial that I thought I'd share with everybody. Why? Because we simply can't make fun of this guy enough. Take it away, Lou:
  
  "Justin Timber-fake!  Ha! I'm witty like you!  No really, thanks for taking him down more notches than he should ever have earned.
  
  I unfortunately recall the NStynk troll once (and only once) co-hosted the 2003 MTV movie awards.  He was later interviewed using his "hood" accent and said he was the first "musician" to ever host the show. Well, unlike Elvis, I did not shoot the television upon hearing this girly-singing-voiced imp claim that he is, in fact a musician.  Instead, I did a Fred Flintstone head shake and thought it over.
  
  So a "musician" out of a pop boy band feels he's like Charlie Parker, Ray Charles, Jimi Hendrix, Etta James,  John Williams, Miles Davis, Charlie Mingus, Billie Holliday, Luciano Pavarotti, Thelonious Monk, Branford, Wynton and Ellis Marsalis, etc.  Not to mention, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Ludwig Von Beethoven, WHO WAS FREAKIN' DEAF! And yes, Timberlake is just like every single man playing their axe on the streets of Manhattan with their case open for coin deposit.
  
  What a narcissistic and disgusting claim.
  
  And not only that, but his first "starring role" in "Edison Force" went directly to DVD, taking down with him  real actors Morgan Freeman & Kevin Spacey and even Cary Elwes & LL Cool J.  Even more reason to despise this worm.  (Please review that movie, though.)
  
  So again, we thank you for telling the world that Justin is a Timber-joke."
  
  You're welcome, Lou. Just doin' my job. I will eventually get around to watching and reviewing Edison Force as soon as I'm able to do it without wasting valuable money. And in case any of y'all are unclear then let me reiterate - Timberlake is not a musician. Has anybody ever seen the guy play an instrument?
  
  He's nothing more than a black-cent talkin', afro-sportin', bad actin', high-pitched singin' Michael Jackson wannabe who's still waiting for his you-know-whats to drop. And that's assuming he has any. Are we clear on my feelings? Is further explanation necessary?

July 18, 2006

• The Paris Hilton Edition. Due to their obvious ease of use, Paris Hilton jokes are something I try not to use as a comedic crutch, but this time's she's just gone too far not to warrant a reaction from good ol' Johnny B. She recently told the UK's Sunday Times (on Sunday, I'm guessing), "There’s nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde — like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana — and right now, I’m that icon."
  
  Uh huh. Try putting on enough weight to hold up your clothes before you start throwing out Marilyn Monroe comparisons, thanks. She went on to boast, "They did a poll in the States asking people who they’d most like to see at a party — and it was me."
  
  She left out the fact that the actual question asked who people would most like to see gut-punched at a party, but hey, why split hairs?
  
  Could somebody please get the memo to her that without daddy she'd be nothing more than a cashier at Old Navy or the Gap. It seems to have gotten lost in the mail.
  
  What a female tool.

July 6, 2006

• Gotta Love Those Scientific Studies. The New York Times reported that a study conducted by Nielsen Entertainment showed that 83% of moviegoers who see ten or more movies per year in theaters also "frequently" or "sometimes" buy the DVD of many of the same movies.
  
  Wow. That's some groundbreaking stuff right there.
  
  Seriously, who would have thought that people who see a movie at the theater "sometimes" buy that movie on DVD? Here are some recent conclusions that the Movie Mark has made based on its own private studies:
  
  - "Most" moviegoers have indicated that they "probably won't" buy DVDs of movies they see at the theater but don't like.
  
  - The "majority" of moviegoers "often" go to the theater for the "primary reason" of "seeing a movie." "Socializing" and "eating overpriced, heart-attack inducing snacks" also made the list of reasons.
  
  - Approximately 87% of all moviegoers enjoy 65% of the movies they go see 55% more if they are able to see the movies for free.
  
  - "Some" moviegoers have suggested that they are "more likely" to see a movie if it stars someone who they "really like."
  
  These are the facts, folks, there's nothing I can do about that.



• Sophia Loren Strikes a Pose? IMDb is reporting that Sophia Loren could possibly be posing nude for next year's edition of the legendary Pirelli Calendar. Apparently it's so legendary that I've never heard of it.
  
  You gotta love IMDb's politically correct stance on the "old woman posing nude" subject. If she does indeed strip, they comment on how it's "at the impressive age of 71."
  
  Impressive? How is that impressive? How about using this line: "at the too-old-to-be-posing-nude age of 71"? I think that works a little better.
  
  You know how overweight stars like Star Jones will excuse their obesity by claiming they have "curves in all the right places"? Well, will the calendar claim that Ms. Loren "sags in all the right places"? Just curious.



• Ashley Judd Gets Out of Rehab. Apparently, Ms. Judd entered rehab to deal with issues of her past. If you've heard her mom sing then you most likely understand her situation.
  
  I would like to clear up one misunderstanding from the news article. When comparing herself to her sister, Wynona, she states, "Supposedly, my sister was the 'messed-up' one and I was the 'perfect' one."
  
  Actually, Wynona is known as the "ugly" one and you're known as the "hot" one. I know I'll catch some flak for pointing out this FACT, but I'm used to it.



• Spears and K-Fed's Vacation Photos Stolen. I'm begging somebody, anybody to send me a single reason why one person in America should care. Go ahead; give it your best shot.



• Star Jones Refuses to Leave the Limelight. No-talent shrew Star Jones' website seems pretty proud to point out that it's received messages from thousands of people asking who they can contact at ABC about her being fired from the estrogen-fest The View. What the site doesn't make clear is that the people want to contact ABC so they can thank them.
  
  At least that's what my email said.
  
  Jones goes on to say she couldn't have survived her stupid ordeal if not for the support of her fans. Which begs the question - Star Jones has fans? No, seriously?
  
  Yeah, boo hoo, Star. Go wipe your tears with the millions of dollars you have. Wainch.

May 23, 2006

• I don't know if you've heard, but Simon Cowell apparently isn't rich enough so he's producing a new show for the Summer schedule called America's Got Talent. As ironic as this title is, considering the sheer lack of talent that will most likely be on display, one of the judge selections is even more so.
  
  That judge? David Hasselhoff. You read that right; David Hasselhoff will help decide who, based on talent, makes it to the finals of the show.
  
  Hasselhoff judging talent? Isn't that like Britney Spears judging a "Best Mom" contest? Or Michael Moore being a judge on "The Healthiest American"? We can only hope they're going the ironic route on this one.
  
  
• Bruce Willis announced at the Cannes Film Festival last week that Die Hard 4 is moving forward and he hopes it will be ready for next year's Summer release schedule. No word yet on how cheesy the subtitle will be. Considering Die Hard 2 used Die Harder I suppose there's a chance we'll be forced to roll our eyes at Die Hardest. I cannot confirm nor deny the unsubstantiated rumor that they're gonna go the age appropriate route and call it Die Hard with Arthritis. I'll keep you updated.

April 12, 2006

• So, did y'all hear the one about Britney Spears' and Kevin Federline's (K-Fed) child falling out of a high chair? It's a heart-warming story. On April 7th the white trash couple started to get concerned because their child was reportedly sleeping more than usual. K-Fed didn't feel like hauling the trailer down to the doctor's office so he chalked it up to the baby taking after his father. However, rumor has it that Britney had to be the one to insist that they get things checked out.
  
  So K-Fed threw on an unwashed wife-beater, Britney slipped into her house shoes, and they rushed to the hospital. There was cause for concern, you see, because SIX DAYS PREVIOUS the child had fallen out of his high chair. Six days. "Hey honey, the kid just fell on his head out of the high chair, should we get it looked at?" "Nah, let's wait about a week. I'm in my own 'high chair' right now, if ya know what I'm sayin'."
  
  Welp, it turns out that the child had a minor skull fracture and a blood clot. Understandably, the Los Angeles Department Of Children And Family Services (DCFS) was called in to investigate the incident. They were especially alarmed by K-Fed's jovial manner throughout the whole ordeal. When asked why he seemed so happy the wig replied, "Are you kidding? My baby hittin' his head is the closest thing I've been to a hit in my life!"
  
  I don't have any details, but the DCFS didn't seem to find anything too alarming and have closed their investigation into the welfare of the child. A relieved K-Fed asked, "Does this mean I still get my welfare check?"
  
  
• Tom Cruise has a Summer blockbuster coming out (the sure to suck Mission Impossible III) so you know what that means, right? More overexposure from the stubby-legged one. Once again on his own mission impossible to convince the world that he is our lord and savior, Cruise has informed GQ magazine that he knows how to get people to kick their drug habits. According to IMDb, he can "get someone off heroin in three days through Scientology's detox programs."
  
  Ironically, Johnny Betts claims he can get Tom Cruise off Scientology through the Movie Mark's kick-your-buttox programs.
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow and her bathing-phobic husband Chris Martin have named their baby boy Moses, assuring the child of daily beatings throughout his educational career.
  
  
• And finally, I have to do something that I never thought would happen - give Ryan Seacrest props right here on the front page of the Movie Mark. Last night on American Idol the contestants were required to sing Queen songs. After Bucky Covington gravel-voiced his way through Fat Bottomed Girls he attempted to explain how Freddie Mercury, a queen in his own right, was a hard act to follow.
  
  Displaying a keen ability for bad word choice, Bucky said, "Freddie Mercury's not the kind of guy you want to jump up behind."
  
  Seacrest calmly deadpanned, "You can say that again."
  
  I was in the process of drinking a glass of milk, washing down my tasty key lime pie, and I literally did a spit-take. I hurriedly put the glass down so as not to risk showering Stephanie or the furniture with a little 2 percent. Kudos, Ryan. It was probably the funniest thing I heard the entire day.