Movie Minutiae - Movie Mark Originals
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
Contact Johnny
If you've been reading my reviews for any amount of time, then you know that I haven't been too kind to movies that
fall under the label of "Sci Fi Original." Sci Fi's movies litter my
Bad Movie Review section like Macaulay Culkin movies
litter Michael Jackson's DVD collection. But there is a silver lining to this. After sitting through such toilet
floaters as Mansquito, The
Snake King, and Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy I have come to realize
that I can eventually make it as a screenwriter. *Somebody* got paid to write the scripts for these movies. And if you
watch the Sci Fi Channel at all, then its commercials prove that these cheesy movies aren't going away any time
soon.
So here's the deal - the challenge is to write a bad movie in such a clever fashion that it can reach cult classic
status. A lot of these movies take themselves too seriously when what they need to be doing is giving us bad one-liners
and horrific puns to make us cringe! Well, I'm up to the challenge, and I'd like to thank the incredibly low standards
of the Sci Fi Channel for providing me with the inspiration.
With all the creatures and insects that are out there I might not ever run out of ideas. I'll come up with a cheesy
title, a bad tagline, a short synopsis, and some possible cast suggestions. All the Sci Fi Channel has to do is contact
me to discuss how much it's worth for me to finish the script and let them advertise it under the "Sci Fi Original"
label. Come on now, let's do some business!
July 10, 2007
Movie Mark Original #25
Title: Nun Chuck
Tagline: Thou Shalt Have No Other Beards Before His
Cast: Chuck Norris, Beard Norris
Plot Summary: When it's discovered that the IRA (the Irish Republican Army - a militant Catholic
organization) is plotting an attack on the United States and is working with the Mafia, the President has no choice but to
call in the country's most dangerous weapon - the highly classified secret agent Tuff Dakota (Norris).
Dakota must devise a plan to infiltrate the IRA and the Mafia and thwart their plans. He must gain their trust, and
the only way he can figure to do that is by going undercover as a nun. Dakota soon learns that sometimes there are
tougher things than fighting the bad guys - try explaining your neatly-trimmed beard to the Mother Superior.
Catchphrase: Before delivering a roundhouse kick squarely to the enemy's head, Dakota deadpans,
"I'm gonna drop you like a bad nun's habit."
For those of you who don't know, a "habit" is the black robe/costume that a nun wears.
Thanks to Mr. Shade for helping me come up with the idea for this one.
June 25, 2007
Movie Mark Original #24
Title: MinoPause
Tagline: She's going through a MAZE of emotions.
Cast: Jane Seymour
Plot Summary: One day while searching ruins in ancient Greece, a team of archaeologists come across a lost book of
myths. One of the stories tells of a female version of the Minotaur and points to its location. Realizing the monetary rewards that would
follow the discovery of such a creature, the team sets off on a hunt.
Little do they know that the creature has hit middle age and her hormones are going crazy! What will the team do when it comes face to face
with ... the MINOPAUSE?!?!
April 5, 2007
Movie Mark Original #23
In honor of this week's release of Grindhouse, I've decided to be nice enough to grace you all with my own
homage to bad cinema - a new Movie Mark Original. Enjoy.
Title: Night Walker, Texas Danger
Tagline: When the Eyes of the Danger are Upon You...
Starring: Chuck Norris, Lou Diamond Phillips
Plot Summary: Tuff Dakota (Norris) and his bearded rogueness are back in an all-new,
evil-destroying adventure! Having regained his faith in the smash-hit Tres-Pastor, Dakota is called on
yet another mission from God. This time, Dakota is led to a sleepy little Texas town that's being overrun by
vampires.
With nothing more to back him up than his trusty flame torch and a roundhouse kick from the Lord, Dakota must
defeat Cody Wyoming (Phillips), the leader of the night walkers, and bring peace back to the quiet town. Beard
ensues.
Self-Indulgent Inside Joke of the Movie: During an intense, heart-stopping showdown
between Dakota and Wyoming (who happens to be quite the pistoleer), Dakota looks up, removes the toothpick from
his mouth, detects Wyoming's hesitation, and calmly inquires, "Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle La
Bamba?"
Signature Quote: Recognizing that the vampires he will face are nothing more than
spawns of Satan, Dakota never engages in battle without first offering up this prayer ... "Give us this day our
daily dead..."
Climax: His defeat imminent, Wyoming pleads for mercy. Dakota, more interested in
delivering his own brand of justice rather than grace, replies, "Didn't you hear? Mercy moved out of town. She
doesn't haunt this playground any more."
David Caruso Cameo: Long-haired and crazy-eyed, David Caruso is the town's most
eccentric citizen. His origins unknown and his appearance unkempt, Caruso tends to keep to himself. One day,
Dakota sees Caruso standing over a dead horse, spouting one-liners and bad puns. Dakota approaches Caruso and
asks him what he's doing.
Caruso looks up, places his hands on his hips, and replies, "It's what I like to call beating a dead horse *puts
on sunglasses* with a shtick." He quickly exits the scene, never to be seen again.
February 7, 2007
Movie Mark Original #22
Title: Chalupacabra
Tagline: Say cheese. Spicy Monterey Jack cheese...
Cast: Danny Trejo, Lorenzo Lamas, Lou Diamond Phillips
Plot Summary: Camino Esperanzo (Trejo) has been a fast food employee his
entire life, never reaching for greater heights. After a string of gruesome deaths puts the entire
community in a state of unease, Camino becomes suspicious when it's discovered that one thing all
of the victims have in common is that each one had eaten at his place of employment - Grande Taco -
just prior to death.
Another thing the victims have in common is that they were all gutted in the same vicious manner,
leading locals to discuss the possibility that these attacks are at the clawed hands of the chupacabra,
a mythical creature whose stories are usually relegated to bad horror movies and sketchy
tabloids.
Camino's suspicions are raised even higher when he recalls his manager returning from a trip to
Puerto Rico claiming he had found the perfect ingredient that was finally going to put Grande Taco
ahead of its competition - chupacabra eggs.
Camino originally laughed this off as a fanciful tale and figured the new special was called El Taco de
Diablo because of how hot and spicy it was, but he soon starts to think that something more sinister
is afoot.
Can he team with detectives Mario (Lamas) and Lopez (Phillips) in time to stop the damage being done by
the chalupacabra, or will customers continue to suffer from more than just heart burn?
December 13, 2006
Movie Mark Original #21
Title: The Lost Holiday
Tagline: No one wants to be alone for Christmas. Even when
stranded on an unidentified island.
Cast: Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Juliet
Plot Summary: Kate is torn between the two best-looking guys stranded on her side of
the island. Across the island (or on another one) Juliet is torn up over the fact that there are ZERO
good-looking guys around her. Two women who have never met find themselves in the exact same place - desperately
looking for love in all the wrong places. But there aren't many places to look when you're surrounded by
nothing but trees and strange bunkers.
They meet via a violent kidnapping and impulsively decide to switch homes. Kate moves into Juliet's
normal-looking house as Juliet takes up residence in Kate's tent.
Kate soon realizes that she doesn't really have it so bad having to choose between a short-haired dependable
guy and a long-haired bad boy. Juliet's choice is even easier - the dependable Jack with his 5 O'clock shadow
or the creepy Henry Gale with his bug eyes.
This holiday season find the answer to the age old question - if Christmas happens on a lost island, does it
really happen?
Get Lost this Christmas ... in the Holiday. The Lost Holiday.
Movie Mark Original #20
I have to give Mr. Shade credit for the title, but everything else is all mine! We have too few
interesting movies focused on battles between Heavenly and demonic forces, and well, this certainly
doesn't provide a solution, but I like to think it'd give the big guy upstairs a chuckle.
Title: Tres-Pastor
Tagline: He'll Invade Your Home; He'll Invade Your Soul.
Cast: Gary Busey, Chuck Norris
Plot Summary: Sinise Tergle (Gary Busey) arrives in a small Southern town,
presenting himself as a pastor with the intention of winning souls to his flock. Believing his
assertion that he is not of this world, the town soon learns just how accurate that statement is -
he's a demon sent to earth to gather recruits for an upcoming battle between good and evil - a
showdown of Biblical proportions!
Tuff Dakota (Chuck Norris) is a bearded rogue cop who has recently reclaimed his faith in God, a
faith that he lost long ago when his wife and child were taken from him in a tragic accident. One day
he hears the voice of God (voice cameo by James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman) telling him he is the
one chosen to stop the Tres-Pastor and his plans.
With little to rely on other than his faith and a devastating roundhouse, Dakota quickly learns that
God may tell us to forgive our trespassers, but He's silent on the issue of Tres-PASTORS. Beard
ensues.
Signature Quote: The only way to destroy the demons is by burning them, a
little trial by fire, if you will. God bestows Dakota with a flame torch that comes to be known as
"The Holy Fire of God." Whenever Dakota is ready to dispatch a demon with the torch he always
prefaces it with, "Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Flame."
The Climactic Showdown: As Dakota and Tergle face off, Dakota tells him, "I'm
gonna hit you with so many right hands of God that you'll be begging for a left." After making good on
his promise, Dakota prepares to finish his opponent. Tergle throws his hands up for mercy and pleads,
"Wait! What happened to turning the other cheek?"
Dakota pauses, turns to the camera, removes the toothpick from his mouth, and coolly whispers, "Well go
ahead and turn it so I can kick it as well."
November 9, 2006
Movie Mark Original #19
Title: Hellevator
Tagline: Come for the Ride of Your Life
Death ... and ... Going Down?
Cast: David Caruso, anybody willing to work with David Caruso
Plot Summary: It's Halloween, and strange things are afoot at the local haunted
house. A new attraction has been added - an elevator that is supposed to take visitors down to the
basement. Trouble ensues when those visitors never come back. Inexplicably, the haunted house is not
shut down, the elevator is kept as part of the attraction, and people continue to go missing.
Local ghost hunters think that the house is built on a portal to Hell, thus dubbing the ride the
"Hellevator." In an effort to get to the bottom of this problem (no pun intended), they enlist the
help of world-renown paranormal expert Jack A. Jackson (Caruso).
Jackson is known for his unorthodox methods of ridding the world of evil spirits. His technique involves
removing his shirt and tricking the spirits into thinking that his blindingly white chest is "the light" that
they need to walk towards. Once they're close enough, he destroys their soul with the constipated
whisper of a bad one-liner.
One-Liner of the Movie: Upon inspecting the elevator, Jackson puts on his
sunglasses, puts his hands on his hips, turns towards the sun, and replies, "Looks like this elevator has
been involved in more frightening lifts than Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon."
September 27, 2006
Movie Mark Original #18
Title: Let's Get Kraken
Tagline: Kraken Kills.
Cast: Roy Scheider, Lance Henriksen, Joseph Lawrence, a hot
chick or two
Plot Summary: Roy Scheider and Lance Henriksen are two old seafarers who have been
sailing the coasts of Norway and Iceland for years, searching for definitive proof of the mythological
Kraken.
Scheider (whose character suffers from Alzheimer's) is confident that he came across the dreaded sea monster about
21 years ago, but his detractors fruitlessly try to convince him that his bad memory has caused him to forget
that it was actually a gigantic great white shark that he faced.
After several ships go missing in the Norway/Iceland area, a young, arrogant member of the Coast Guard
(Lawrence) is sent to the area to investigate. A natural skeptic, he immediately dismisses Scheider's and
Henriksen's claims that the Kraken is the cause of the disturbance. The three men must reluctantly bond
together to solve the mystery and smooth the waters. Kraken ensues.
Joseph Lawrence's Introduction: After hearing that the U.S. Coast Guard is sending
a man to the area to investigate the missing ships, Scheider and Henriksen head to the scene to start their
own inquiry. Upon arriving, Lawrence sees the two old men and scoffs, "Somebody call Ray Bradbury! Looks like
we've got The Old Men and the Sea."
Henriksen, in all his grizzled wisdom, replies, "You're the expert sent to investigate this? GIMME A BREAK!
It was Ernest Hemingway who wrote The Old Man and the Sea. If you ask me, your experience needs to
BLOSSOM before you're ready to handle something like this, son."
Lawrence replies, "Whoa!"
Snazzy Catchphrase: Whenever Scheider and Henriksen prepare to start a search for
the sea creature, one of them will always rub his hands together and say, "Well, let's get kraken!" It's
anticipated that this catchphrase will make its way to t-shirts and bumper stickers and basically take the
country by storm.
Comic Relief: During what is sure to be a tense and smothering scene where our heroes
are battling the Kraken, Scheider and Henriksen will start to argue like an old married couple. An injured
and winded Lawrence will look up at the two men, laugh, and reply, "You guys are really KRAKEN me up over here!"
Everybody will look at each other, pause two beats, and then burst into simultaneous laughter, effectively
breaking the tension.
Please note: it'll help to have a working knowledge of Joey Lawrence's career (or the two lone highlights of it)
to fully understand all the references.
August 7, 2006
Movie Mark Original #17
 
Title: Frankenfurter
Tagline: He'll get all up in your grill.
Cast: Daniel Baldwin, Jan-Michael Vincent, Vanessa Angel
Plot Summary: An ancestor of Oscar Mayer (Jan-Michael Vincent - playing John
Mayer) becomes enraged when he reads a beloved and famous movie reviewer's website where the famed reviewer
makes fun of Frankenfurters and comments on how appropriate the name is due to the fact that Frankenfurters are
indeed pieced together from various meat parts.
Mayer decides to raise an army of hot dogs by injecting them with human DNA and vows to cause anybody and
everybody who ever made fun of the word "Frankenfurter" to rue the day.
A down-and-out cop with drinking and obesity issues (Daniel Baldwin) is called on to stop the madman. It's a
case that could get his career back on track. Wiener ensues.
Johnny Betts Cameo: Johnny Betts, the aforementioned beloved and famous movie
reviewer, feels partly responsible for the hot dog mayhem, so he offers his help, knowing that his size 11
Biker Boots can effectively stomp some wiener. Betts shows up at Baldwin's office, flamethrower in hand,
and asks, "You ready for a wiener roast?" Baldwin calmly replies, "I'm gonna RELISH it." Betts nods and
adds, "I'll bring the marshmallows."
Climactic Scene: After the exciting battle with the army of hot dogs, where Betts
and Baldwin roast the entire lot of 'em, Betts taps his Biker Boots (size 11) with his flamethrower, turns to
the camera, and replies, "That's how you show a hot dog his mustard."
But Vincent hasn't conceded defeat just yet. He has kidnapped Vanessa Angel, the woman he loves. She can't
return the love mainly because she can't bear to look at his stretched face, a face that has seen so many
plastic surgeries that it appears he's been pieced together from different people. Vincent, a truly sad
and pitiful character, sings tragically how he wishes he were an Oscar Mayer wiener because then everybody
would be in love with him.
Betts and Baldwin implore him to leave Vanessa alone and to face them like a man. Vincent calmly sings,
"My bologna has a first name, it's D-E-A-T-H. My bologna has a second name, it's W-I-S-H," as he mad
rushes the two heroes, guns a' blazing. Will our heroes grant his wish? Or will they be left wishing
they'd brought more condiments?
July 20, 2006
Movie Mark Original #16
Title: Black & Decker
Tagline: They're the Biggest Tools Around.
Cast: Mario Lopez, David Hasselhoff, Edward James Olmos
Plot Summary: When strange and unexplained amorphous formations begin washing up
on Miami beaches, formations that somewhat resemble Rosie O'Donnell stepping out of the shower; no one in the
police department is willing to volunteer to investigate. Lieutenant Alfonso Riviera Soriano Rodriguez Y
Vasquez (Olmos) decides to put two of his biggest headaches on the case - Sergeant James T. Black (Hasselhoff),
a man who has a strange habit of calling everybody "Kit," and Sergeant Slater Decker (Lopez), a young Latino cop
who joins the Force in a desperate attempt to win back the love of his girlfriend Kelly who left him to be with
an NYPD officer named Zach.
Black & Decker are a couple of hotshot prima donnas who seem to have no desire to get along with anybody else on
the Force. Vasquez strongly believes that partnering them will adjust their attitudes.
But what good will attitude adjustments do them when they figure out that the amorphous formations are not of
this world? Why are they here, and more specifically, why are they appearing on Miami beaches? Toolishness
ensues.
Climactic Scene: During what will come to be known as a "climactic finale consisting of
offensively bad CGI and laugh-out-loud-bad acting" Black & Decker will be in a lackluster shoot-out with the
amorphous aliens. The epic battle will make its way to a church where Black will be trapped by one of the
aliens, soon to meet his demise. Luckily, Decker will show up just in time and fire off a few rounds at the
church bell, causing it to land on the alien, thus saving Black's life.
Decker will turn to the camera, remove the cigar from his mouth, wink at the camera, and reply, "Saved by
the Bell." Black will inexplicably burst out in celebratory song.
Fade to black and roll credits.
Director's note: A rudimentary understanding of Saved by the Bell and Mario Lopez is necessary for
completely appreciating the genius of this Movie Mark original.
June 21, 2006
Movie Mark Original #15
Title: Hound Dog Desert
Tagline: He Ain't No Friend of Yours.
Cast: Lorenzo Lamas, some hot chick, an Elvis impersonator
Plot Summary: In a desperate effort to keep up with the fast-paced world of Elvis
impersonating, a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator (played by a real-life Elvis impersonator) resorts to taking a
No-Doze/steroid concoction. Unfortunately, the hound dog that he uses as part of his stage act gets into his
stash and inexplicably grows to about 40 feet high.
The hound dog rampages through the city before running off to find refuge in the hot Nevada desert. A team of
Special Forces, led by former Navy Seal Teddy Bare (Lamas), is called in to hunt the dog down and put it to sleep.
The Elvis impersonator tags along hoping that he can convince Teddy Bare and his men not to kill his beloved
canine partner.
Bare's Opening Scene: Teddy Bare and his men arrive in Las Vegas and immediately
begin to assess the situation. The Elvis impersonator introduces himself, but Bare is very gruff and curt with
him. The Elvis wannabe huffs and exclaims, "They said you was high classed. Well, that was just a lie."
Pivotal Scene: Bare and his men (including Spider Murphy, Little Joe, and Drummer
Boy) have reached the desert and are ready to begin their search. Bare is concerned about being attacked from
the left or right and he wants to make sure he's covered on all sides. He asks his men what they think
they should to do assure this and the Elvis impersonator speaks up and says, "Flank you, flank you very much."
Climactic Scene: Once Bare and Co. track down the Hound Dog, they have come to the
conclusion that they have no alternative but to take him down. He can never be returned to his normal size,
and a 40-foot dog cannot be allowed to roam the streets.
This doesn't sit well with the Elvis impersonator, but he's outnumbered and has no recourse. He looks at Bare
and says, "You live for this, don't you? You're just itchin' to kill something." Bare turns to him, takes the
cigar out of his mouth, smiles, and replies, "Like a man on a fuzzy tree."
And this, folks, is why the Sci-Fi Channel should hire me, Johnny Betts, to add a little life and cheese to their
low-budget originals. This is gold, and you know it.
March 22, 2006
Movie Mark Original #14
Title: Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man
Tagline: He is one tough cookie.
Cast: Steven Seagal, Jared from Subway, Nick Nolte
Plot Summary: In an ingenious, if unconventional, casting decision, Jared from Subway
plays Jared - a kid who has been a loser his whole life. His face is so pocked with acne that kids in school
called him "Chocolate Chip Face." Even his parents are embarrassed of him, especially since his acne never
went away despite finally growing out of his adolescence.
Fed up with his unfavorable lot in life, he goes to visit a woman who is said to have mystical powers. After
their meeting, she gives him a batch of "special" chocolate chip cookies that she instructs him to eat before
going to bed. He does as requested and the next morning he wakes up and looks into the mirror to see that his
entire head has literally been transformed into a chocolate chip cookie.
He overcomes his initial anger once he realizes that he now has unearthly strength. Unfortunately, he decides
to use his new powers for evil rather than good and starts to kill every single person who he feels has
contributed to making his life a little harder.
He starts with his drunken, no good, unemployed father (Nolte) who never showed Jared anything except the back
of his hand. After noticing his son now has a cookie for a head, dad remarks, "You're an even bigger loser now.
I knew you'd never amount to anything. This isn't a world for the Keebler-minded." Shaking his head in disgust
at his dad's horrific attempt to play off of the term "feeble-minded," Jared replies, "A chip off the ol'
chock, eh dad?" in an awkward attempt at creating his own lame one-liner.
He kills his dad and leaves a note at the scene of the crime: "I'm all that ... and a bag of chips. Chocolate
chips." This becomes his calling card.
A burned out, down-on-his-luck cop (Seagal) is assigned the case, and solving this string of murders is his
last chance at redemption. Will he burn this cookie monster or will he be the one who ends up overcooked?
Chip ensues.
Climactic Scene: After hunting down the Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man and forcing
him to hole up in an abandoned cookie factory, Sergeant Seagal offers Jared a deal. But Jared ain't biting.
"Your half-baked ideas insult me," he yells to Seagal.
Noticeably tired from this ordeal, Seagal mumbles to himself, "I'm too old for this chip."
Realizing his options are limited, Jared decides to make a run for it out the front door. But Seagal is
waiting for him with a hose hooked up to a fire hydrant filled with milk. After turning the
Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man into a gooey, soggy mess, Seagal strides over towards him and begrudgingly
replies, "Looks like this finally took a Toll *pause* House on you..."
Fade to black. Credits roll. Seagal runs straight to the bank to cash his check.
Special Features: In the BAKING of Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man featurette,
Seagal makes such career-defining comments as, "Believe it or not, this is actually the best and most
cohesive script I've worked with in 10 years."
Seagal also discusses how liberating it was to finally work on a movie with a title that wasn't a prepositional
phrase.
February 24, 2006
Movie Mark Original #13
Title: Twombstone AKA 2wombstone (thanks to
Mr. Shade for planting the seed of this idea)
Tagline: If you thought The Return of Josey Wales
WITHOUT Clint Eastwood was the worst idea for a Western sequel ever...
Cast: Michael Parks, C. Thomas Howell, Jan-Michael Vincent
Press Release: To mark the 20th anniversary of his ill-conceived "starring" role in
the inexplicable The Return of Josey Wales, Michael Parks attempts to sully the good name of another
classic Western. Taking sequels and the naming of sequels with numbers in the title to all new blasphemous
and ridiculous levels, Twombstone AKA 2wombstone follows the story of Wyatt Earp (Parks) as
he's faced with the responsibility of burying his recently deceased friend, Doc Holliday (Howell).
While burying Doc with an iron shovel, lightning strikes the shovel, creating a current through the ground
that somehow brings Doc back to life. Earp may not be able to explain what has just happened, but he's
certainly willing to take advantage of it. The timing of Holliday's resurrection couldn't be more
appropriate because a new gang of cowboys has ridden into Tombstone causing much trouble, and Earp can
use his old friend's help.
Little does he know that when Doc came back from the grave, he brought a whole slew of otherworldly powers
with him. Join Wyatt and Doc in the sequel to 1993's classic Tombstone and experience a clash of
Sci-Fi and Westerns the likes of which you have never seen before!
Climactic Scene: Having been brought back to life as well, Johnny Ringo (Vincent)
is leading this new gang of cowboys in their assault on Tombstone. But they're no regular cowboys - they're
zombie versions of all the cowboys that Wyatt Earp killed in his rampage from the original movie. When Ringo
and Doc finally square off for their much anticipated rematch, Doc replies, "Why Johnny Ringo, you look like
someone just raised you from your grave."
Doc then uses his otherworldly powers to send electric shocks into Ringo's body. As Ringo shakes
convulsively, Doc deadpans, "You want fries with that shake?" With that he hits Ringo with another powerful
volt of electricity, frying him even worse and completely draining him of his life-force.
After killing Ringo for a second time, Doc stands over his body and replies, "It would appear that the
DRAIN was more than he could bear."
Fade to black. Cue credits. Everybody goes home extremely angry and mortified.
January 11, 2006
Movie Mark Original #12
Title: Waitin' on a Check
Tagline: Some men want to save the world; they just wanted to save for
a down payment on a houseboat.
Cast: Samuel L. Jackson, Ben Kingsley, and Christopher Walken
Synopsis: Hollywood is turned upside down when moviegoers across the country file a class
action lawsuit against three actors (Jackson, Kingsley, and Walken), accusing them of stealing their money by
inexplicably appearing in really awful movies. It doesn't take long for the judge to find the actors guilty of Theft by
Bad Movies.
The judge concludes, "I have determined that the three of you, by virtue of your reputable names in
the acting business, have recently conned moviegoers into forfeiting their hard-earned money to see really bad movies
simply because they were fans of your previous work. I have also determined that there was no way for these innocent
victims to be aware of just how wretched these movies would be. Among the list of offenses:
The Man, xXx: State of the
Union, Snakes on a Plane, A Sound of Thunder,
BloodRayne, Kangaroo Jack, Gigli, The Stepford
Wives... I could go on, but I'm getting sick to my stomach. You gentlemen should be ashamed."
Each movie title hits like a bullet as the actors begin to slowly realize exactly how much crap they've willingly
agreed to throw on the big screen, all in the name of a paycheck. But is it completely their fault? Or are they under
the spell of something much worse than bad decision-making? Realizing they've already hit the bottom of their
careers, the three actors determine they must get to the bottom of what exactly is controlling them. Don't miss
the exciting action as they take advantage of their one last chance to save their reputations.
The Climactic Scene: Jackson, Kingsley, and Walken get cornered by producers in the back of
a studio office. In what has been described as "the most exciting finale you'll see in this particular movie," they
feverishly dodge all variety of offers being thrown at them and battle ferociously with the monetary temptations that
refuse to leave them alone. In the film's defining moment, Jackson stares down a $10 million offer to appear in
Snakes on a Plane 2: Throw Mama Snake from the Plane. Wrestling with the decision of whether or not to sign
the contract, Jackson throws the pen down, caps two bullets into the head of the movie, removes the cigar from his
mouth, slowly turns to the camera and deadpans, "That's what I like to call kickin' asp."
As the credits roll, moviegoers start up the paperwork for lawsuit #2.
December 1, 2005
Movie Mark Original #11
Title: Divide by Zero
Tagline: Chuck Norris never says never...
Cast: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris' beard, Lorenzo Lamas
Synopsis: In the not-too-distant future, man-made machines develop a life of their
own and start to destroy the species that created them. A grizzled detective (Chuck Norris) and his beard
(Chuck Norris' beard) are assigned to the case. Norris, recognizing that he will need some help, calls in
a brilliant mathematician (Lorenzo Lamas wearing glasses) for advice.
After running a few calculations and plugging a bunch of meaningless numbers into equally meaningless formulas,
Lamas determines that in order to defeat the machines they will have to figure out a way to do something that
man has never done. They'll have to figure out a way to ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... DIVIDE BY ZERO!
The Climactic Scene: Despite Lamas' claims that they simply can't divide by zero,
Norris (amidst the onslaught of machine-orchestrated attacks) sits down at a computer and decides he is the
one who has to figure this out. When Lamas asks him what he plans on doing, Norris mentions something
about "reversing the Euclidean algorithm, plugging that into the Pythagorean theorem, and then raising it
to the power of e." A befuddled Lamas stares blankly into space and then replies, "But you don't understand!
We can't divide by zero! It isn't possible!"
Norris strokes his beard, throws Lamas a hard glare, and remarks, "Perhaps you haven't been told - "isn't"
isn't in my dictionary."
Before Lamas can note the contradiction in that sentence, Norris roundhouse kicks him in the head and gets
back to work before it's too late to save the world.
November 16, 2005
Movie Mark Original #10
Submitted by Laslo Hollyfeld...
 
Title: La Cucaracha del Diablo: The Devil's Cockroach
Cast: C. Thomas Howell, Lake Bell, and James Brolin
The Plot: A greedy and powerful industrialist (Brolin, AKA Mr. Streisand, AKA Josh's less
talented father), is wiping out thousands of acres of Central American rainforest to set up a dangerous and illegal
chemical plant. The waste products from the plant contaminate the surrounding areas, and begin to affect the local
cockroach population adversely. Can our hero (Howell), a down-and-out adventurer, and a beautiful yet tough-as-nails
anthropologist (Bell), stop the terror?
The Climactic Scene: As the mutated and voracious cockroaches weave their bloody path of
destruction, Howell and Bell have trapped the giant mother roach in the chemical plant, as Brolin is trying to stop
them from exposing his evil deeds. Brolin is eaten by the giant roach in a gory and disgusting manner, allowing him a
really good death scene.
Just before blowing up the chemical plant, the giant roach, and what's left of Brolin, Howell turns to Bell, winks, and
wryly says: "Let's smoke this roach!"
In the end, we all learn a valuable moral about the evils of chemicals and the destruction of the rainforests.
November 9, 2005
Movie Mark Original #9
Title: The Young Spiders
Tagline: Most men wanted to tame the West. He just wanted to tame some spiders.
Cast: Ty Miller
Synopsis: It's 1860, and a rugged frontiersman, Beardo (Miller), decides to start up his own
Pony Express Supply Store and Waystation. After a rash of deaths to horses and riders is tied directly to supplies
bought from Beardo's store, the magnificently bearded one must set out to prove his innocence. Amidst his research he
discovers that the deadly Banana spider was brought to his store via some supplies he had shipped to him from
Australia.
Beardo further discovers that the Banana spider has been reproducing, and her baby spiders have infiltrated his
supplies, killing the riders and horses with their deadly venom. Beardo must reluctantly entangle himself in a deadly
struggle to not only eliminate the mama spider but also to hunt down and kill all of the ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ...
young spiders. But is there more to the story? Did someone intentionally plant the Banana spider in the supplies?
Join Beardo as he gets involved in a WEB of deceit and Wild West adventure like you've never seen before!
August 31, 2005
Movie Mark Original #8
Title: Maximus Overdrive
Tagline: The Gladiator Who Defied an Empire ... by Time Traveling
Cast: Dolph Lundgren
Synopsis: Despite the emperor's decree that a recently discovered time travel machine is NOT
to be used, the well-known Roman Centurion - Maximus (Lundgren) - decides to defy the emperor and see what the future
has to offer. After traveling to modern times, Maximus finds himself in a beat up old Ford, traveling down a rural
road. What transpires is a journey of epic proportions where Maximus must learn a new way of life and a new way of
dealing with people. The real twist occurs when Maximus comes face to face with the fact that the things we do in life
really DO echo in eternity.
August 17, 2005
Movie Mark Original #7
Title: Human Fillet
Tagline: Eat more human.
Cast: Lou Diamond Phillips, Betty White
Synopsis: Becoming frustrated that their efforts to try to get humans to eat more chicken
aren't as successful as they hoped, the cows decide it's time to go after what they feel is the source of the problem
and eat more humans. A deadly combination of this frustration and mad cow disease (which becomes more out of control
than ever) turns the formerly docile bovines into savage killers.
A former Idaho PD detective (Phillips) is called in to find a solution to the problem. Before he was kicked off the
police force for breaking one rule too many (and rubbing the top brass the wrong way with his lone warrior, long-hair
ways) he was considered the best in the game. That's why the citizens of this small, rural Idaho town trust him more
than anybody wearing an official badge.
Upon arriving on the scene and surveying the damage that has already been done, Phillips declares, "This is a
cow-tastrophe." Betty White, a senile fringe animal rights activist, is against any sort of violence towards
the animals, despite the fact that they're killing humans and she protests his arrival. Phillips looks her dead in
the eye and responds, "Sorry, but I don't KOWTOW to activists," and informs the citizens that, "I make a mean burger,"
signaling that everything's going to be all right.
I'd like to give Stephanie a BIG thank you for making the most of the movie poster, and I'd like to thank my friend
John M. for all his beautifully bad pun ideas on this one.
August 10, 2005
Movie Mark Original #6
Title: Panda-monium
Tagline: They spend 10 hours a day sleeping. The other 14 are spent
eating ... HUMANS.
Cast: C. Thomas Howell, Bruce Campbell
Synopsis: With less than 1000 left living in the wild, the Giant Panda is one of the most
critically endangered species in the world. Approximately 140 pandas live in zoos and breeding centers around the
world, but most of them are in China.
In what is seen as a goodwill effort, the Chinese government authorizes a massive breeding plan to help get pandas
off the endangered list, and furthermore, they are willing to donate their pandas to zoos across the entire United
States.
Everything seems great until one day a small-town zookeeper (Howell) notices something is strange with the two pandas
that his zoo received. He starts to question his own sanity when he thinks he overhears the pandas talking in what
seems to be a Chinese dialect. He starts observing them closely and soon realizes that they are indeed talking, and
they're talking about slowly indoctrinating the United States with communist doctrine!
As Howell starts to dig deep into the history of China's new panda breeding program he comes across a startling
discovery - the Chinese are injecting pandas with human DNA and creating talking communist pandas. Matters only
get worse when the pandas decide that 20 to 40 pounds of bamboo just aren't enough to satisfy their insatiable
appetites. They quickly develop a taste for American flesh and all PANDA-MONIUM breaks out!
The U.S. government has a hard time deciding how to contain the situation. The President wants to send in the military
to rid the country of its panda problem, but he faces huge opposition from fringe animal rights groups. They claim
that the panda is still endangered, and their appetite for human flesh and their plans for spreading a communist agenda
don't justify their elimination.
The government finally decides to bring in the one man they know can solve the crisis - Bruce Campbell - a former
Navy SEAL-turned-mercenary. As he prepares to take matters into his own hands he is confronted by
the animal rights extremists who claim they won't let him proceed with his plans. He stands up slowly, removes the
cool guy toothpick from his mouth, and calmly replies, "Sorry, but I don't PANDA [pander] to special interest groups."
He winks at the camera and then embarks on his mission to save the country.
August 3, 2005
Movie Mark Original #5
I've gotta give Tigerjeb props for helping with this one. The title and basic premise came from him, and I'm fleshing it
out.
Title: Komodeo Dragon aka Commodeo Dragon
Tagline: All he ever wanted to be was a peaceful pet ... until
he became FLUSH with anger!
Cast: Corbin Bernsen, KaDee Strickland
Synopsis: Bill Jerkster (Bernsen) has always wanted to be a good father. The fact that he's
a raging alcoholic causes him to do things that typically cancel out any of the positive strides he makes. Things seemed
to be on the right path when he bought his son the baby lizard that he always wanted. But everything changes when, in an
alcoholic fit of rage, Bill flushes his son's lizard down the toilet.
Unbeknownst to Bill, the entire town of Chemville is about to be changed. Bill lives near Chemicals R Us - known
affectionately as "The McDonald's of Chemical Plants" in Louisiana. After the lizard survives a harrowing trip through
the sewers that are located under Chemicals R Us, it begins to mutate into a human-sized dragon - what will come to be
known as ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... THE COMMODEO DRAGON!
The Commodeo Dragon develops an insatiable appetite - for both humans and revenge. Intent on finding the man who
flushed him down the toilet and ruined his dream of being a child's pet, the Commodeo Dragon lives in the sewers and
feeds on people as they sit on the toilet. Unfortunately, the Commodeo Dragon is not good with directions, so he
can't remember which pipes will take him directly to Bill's house. He has no choice but to leave a slew (or is that
a SLOO, BWAHAHAHAHAHA!) of victims in his wake until he reaches his goal.
Can Bill sober up long enough to defeat the dragon and save the town, or will his addiction be the death of him?
KaDee Strickland co-stars as Bill's wife and has a really thick Louisiana accent. I predict she'll steal the movie
when Bill has a monstrous fight scene in the bathroom with the dragon and she deadpans, "Hey Bill, quit farting around
in there and close the lid on the Commodeo once and for all!"
Also, there'll be a scene where Ms. Strickland pulls out a shotgun, confronts the dragon, replies, "This is for
leaving the seat up!" and then opens fire. I won't reveal what happens though!
August 5, 2005
Movie Mark Original - Commodeo Dragon Revisited
On Wednesday I unveiled the layout for Commodeo Dragon. Well, today I'm happy to report that ... I've thought
of another idea for it. Y'all thought I was gonna say the Sci Fi Channel made me an offer, huh? Soon.
Anyway, I thought it'd be perfect if we brought Michael Paré in for a cameo. If you've ever read a Michael Paré
interview (and I seriously doubt that), then you know he has a strange penchant for putting more value into his
post-1984 movies than they deserve. Don't believe me? Well let me use an example. Have you ever seen Deadly
Heroes? Yeah, I didn't think so. If you had, then you'd know a more appropriate title would be Deadly
Boring. Anyway, Mr. Paré actually had the frijoles to compare this movie to Speed. Everybody
remembers the bus chase in Speed, right? Here's Mr. Paré's take:
"They would take 2 months to do that chasing the bus stuff. We did it in two weeks."
I've seen the bus chase in Deadly Boring, and believe me; you can definitely tell not much time was spent on
it. But what you have to love about Michael is the fact that he keeps going out there, poopin' out bad movies, and
then acting like he's produced an Oscar winner that we should all be grateful for. I can't slag him for his
enthusiasm. And as a result, I figured he'd be a great spokesman for Commodeo Dragon.
Here's the deal: Paré would be somewhere in the beginning of the movie. After the Commodeo mutates, its first
destination is Michael's house. After a particularly rough meal at Taco Bell, Michael begins to feel something
a' churnin' in the ol' digestive tract. Not feeling so well, he tells his wife, "Hey honey, I'll be back shortly.
I'm gonna go make another movie." He'd then look in the camera, wink, and head to the bathroom.
Paré would then proceed to become Commodeo's first victim, and he'd hit all the REALLY late night talk shows
comparing the role to Janet Leigh's in Psycho. I can hear him now, "You know Janet Leigh's role in
Psycho? It took Hitchcock like 20-something minutes before he killed her off. But Johnny Betts had
my character killed off within about 2 or 3 minutes. He said he felt it was best that I have as little screen
time as possible. It'd provide more shock value is how he explained it to me. I told him I'd be happy to do
more, but he quickly said something about 'quality over quantity' and was kind enough to get the security
guards to escort me to the door. I guess he didn't want me getting lost. They were nice guys."
Folks, it's only a matter of time before Sci Fi realizes that this has gold written all over it.
July 26, 2005
Movie Mark Original #4
OK, I have to admit that I'm getting a little ambitious on this one. These movies are designed to be very low
budget, and believe me the movie itself will still have low production values - don't you worry about that! But
for this one to work I need to try to get Harrison Ford to star. I figure if he's willing to star in Hollywood
Homicide then I have a shot at landing him in this movie.
If not, then we'll just find a wannabe, and that may prove even funnier. But if Ford is interested then I have an idea
that would allow him to proudly wear the Jack Ryan moniker again.
Title: Bananacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Red Banana in October
Tagline: They're back, and this time they're hungry ... FOR BANANAS!
Cast: Harrison Ford, my friends and family (if I get Ford I doubt the
budget could afford anybody else)
Synopsis: While on a search for the secret to eternal life, a group of scientists discover a
rare, Indonesian banana that holds the secrets they've been looking for. Plus, for some reason it only grows in
October. Danger arises when they realize they are surrounded by anacondas that are eating these things and living
forever. Yes, these aren't just regular anacondas ... they're ... BANANACONDAS!
A gruff, scruffy-looking former CIA Analyst (Ford) decides to quit the department for good when he's replaced with a
younger man, despite the fact that the youthful daredevil had yet to show any sort of clout (COUGH*boxofficethatis*HACK).
Ford moves to the Indonesian jungle to serve as a guide for tourists. When the scientists approach him about leading
them on the search for the Indonesian banana, the money is just too good to pass up. But once the expedition starts to
get more complicated than expected, causing the scientists to whine and complain, all Ford can do is respond with,
"Traveling through Borneo ain't like dusting crops, boy," while looking into the camera and winking.
What ensues is one harrowing chase scene after another, all followed by repackaged Harrison Ford lines such as,
"Well, you can forget your troubles with those Amazon snakes. I told you I'd outrun 'em." Then after nobody responds
he can deadpan, "Don't everyone thank me at once."
The possibilities are absolutely endless, and though I'm reluctant to label anything as *too perfect* I have to admit
I'm slightly tempted to do so in this case.
July 20, 2005
Movie Mark Original #3
Title: Gnats: In the Mind's Eye
Tagline: This is GNAT Your Ordinary Pest!
Cast: Patrick Muldoon, Lorenzo Lamas, Kari Wuhrer
Synopsis: Summer has always proven to be a less-than-desirable season in the sheltered
community of Gnatville - named after the fact that thousands of gnats migrate to the town every summer. An evil
scientist (Lamas - complete with glasses and white lab coat) has been creating small, mechanical gnats for several
years. They are designed to enter a person's eye - for good. Once in the eye, they can travel to the person's
brain. After attaching itself to the brain, the mechanical gnat acts as a computer chip from which Dr. Lamas can
retrieve all sorts of useful information, but not only that, he can use the gnat to create programs that can
control the brain it's attached to.
Dr. Lamas knows that the annual gnat migration will serve as a perfect cover and keep his Gnato-chips from being
discovered. However, the one thing he didn't count on was a former baseball star (Muldoon) returning to his hometown
of Gnatville after an injury cuts his career short. Muldoon starts to become suspicious that something isn't right
when he notices the altered behavior of old friends and family members. Why are people eating GNATCHOS? And why
are babies being given names such as GNATALIE? Are gnats completely taking over, and do they have a leader? Muldoon
is determined to solve the mystery, while Dr. Lamas is determined to control the town. A lot of really bad puns
and over-the-top acting ensues.
Coming soon to a local access cable channel near you.
July 14, 2005
Movie Mark Original #2
Title: Fire Ants: It's Picnic Time
Tagline: It can carry 50 times its own weight ... IN DEATH!
Cast: Michael Paré and some good-lookin' chick who is the least likely
biology teacher
Synopsis: A small, isolated community is located near a nuclear power plant. Unbeknownst to
the populace, a radiation leak is polluting their food, and fire ants that are eating that food from picnics are
starting to mutate.
Once residents start to notice human-sized ants walking around, they seek help from the sheriff (Paré) and a local
biology teacher (a hot chick with minimal acting experience). Unable to offer an explanation as to why the radiation
isn't affecting humans, animals, or other insects, it's decided that they at least need to find an answer on how to
deal with the mutated fire ants.
Sheriff Paré defiantly declares, "It's time to fight fire ... ants ... WITH FIRE!"
Coming soon to the back shelf of an unknown video rental chain near you.
July 6, 2005
Movie Mark Original #1
Title: Queen Bee: Breakin' Out in Hives
Tagline: Neglected her whole life, now she'll never be A DRONE!
Cast: Stephen Baldwin, Clare Wren, and Ty Miller
Synopsis: Blessed with a natural beauty and Southern charm, Rachel (Wren) never had a problem
attracting men. Unfortunately, she seemed cursed to always attract the wrong men. True love forever eluding her,
Rachel must often resort to the beauty and tranquility of her well-kept garden to bring her peace and happiness.
That peace is shattered one day when Rachel is repeatedly stung by a radioactive bee in her garden, turning her into
a human-sized Queen Bee. Her instinct now leads her on a mission to turn all the men who spurned her into her drones.
Two of her intended victims - the wise-cracking surfer, Brolin (Baldwin), and his computer programming friend Josh
(Miller) - are responsible for stopping her BEE-stly rampage.
Brolin's expertise as a surfer has helped him learn all about the importance of weather conditions and gives him an
inside track on how to possibly take Queen Bee out of her element while Josh thinks he may have discovered a
"computer algorithm" that could reverse the process. All sorts of bad one-liners, cheesy puns, and incorrect techno
jargon ensues.
There you have it. My very first pitch for a Movie Mark Original. In regard to the cast I figured I'd give a little
work to some The Young Riders alum. If Clare Wren is unavailable (and I doubt that), then Shannon Tweed can
always fill in for her. Give me a call, Sci Fi, and let's do business.
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