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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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The Movie Mark DictionaryA Baldwin: A term used to describe a straight-to-video movie, since approximately 40% (I just made that number up) of all s-t-v's now star Stephen, Daniel, or William Baldwin. As an alternate, you can use the term STVB (pronounced Stevie B). It stands for straight-to-video-bomb, and the pronunciation is in honor of my favorite Baldwin brother - Stephen. The Bait-and-Switch Shaft: Much like the popular sales technique, this happens when your theater advertises a certain anticipated movie by hanging that movie's poster in its lobby or even tantalizing you with a cardboard cutout then rather than showing that movie on its opening night they instead show some horrible flop like Alexander (courtesy of Ms. Ang). Bett-head: A wise and sophisticated movie fan with excellent taste. A Bett-head can often be found reading AND enjoying the Movie Mark and Johnny Betts' movie reviews. Box Office: Have you ever had the misfortune of sitting next to a really stank person at the theater? Having to endure smelly boy's stench for two hours can be almost unbearable at times. To alert friends to your problem you should use the code word "box office" (B.O.). This lets people know that you're sitting next to someone with really bad body odor. Even better, you can text message "box office" to a friend that's not at the theater with you, and your friend will immediately know somebody funky is in your vicinity. Your friend can then page you or give you a call, giving you the perfect opportunity to slip away and find another place to sit. Buyer's Remorse: What a moviegoer experiences when he spends more money to watch a movie than it was worth to him. The movie might be OK to catch on TV or as a cheap rental as something you can make fun of with your friends, but spending more than a couple of bucks will give you Buyer's Remorse. Chair Kickin' Charlie: A jerk who spends the entire movie ramming his knees or feet into the back of your chair. No amount of nasty glares will slow down his chair kickin' abilities. Cellophantom: The moviegoer who opens one cellophane-wrapped piece of candy after another. The sound of *crinkle* *crinkle* *crinkle* fills the theater, but because the individual is holding the candy in his lap, you can only discern the general direction that the noise is coming from (courtesy of Kate, aka Takoma1). Cellulist: A moviegoer whose cell phone calls are so important, he must answer them during a movie and carry on conversations while annoying the rest of the audience who would actually like to listen to dialogue within the movie itself. Cellulism: The act of answering your cell phone in the theater with complete disregard to the people around you. Chinwagger: An individual who talks through the entire movie at a sound well above a whisper. Chinwagon: A group of people who disturb those within a three-row radius by talking the entire movie. Concession Cartel: The people in charge of setting the ridiculously overpriced concession prices. Contraband: Snacks that are smuggled into the theater via a purse, large bag, or article of clothing. Contraband usually consists of chips, candy, peanuts, and cokes, but it can also include hamburgers, sub sandwiches, and even Chinese food. Electric Boogaloo: A term that should be added to the title of any movie that is crying for a bad sequel. For example, if Oliver Stone decides to do a sequel of Alexander, then it should be titled Alexander 2: Electric Boogaloo (this term courtesy of Ms. Cali). Fanboy: A moviegoer who is a rabid fan of a particular movie, genre, series, actor, etc. You may be a Chucky fanboy if I tell you that I didn't think Seed of Chucky was all that great and you respond by telling me to get cancer, die, and burn in Hell. Admittedly, this is an extreme case of fanboyism. Fast Forward Fest: A movie that allows you the luxury of plenty of fast forwarding. You are somewhat interested in watching the movie, but it ends up being very boring or very stupid in spots. However, for some reason you still feel the desire to make it to the end. The ability to fast forward allows you to do this quickly. "I wanted to watch Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life to see if it was any better than the first one. When Lara Croft straight-up punched a shark in the face I knew it was gonna be a fast forward fest." Floater: A movie that's so bad it's typically only found floating in unflushed toilets or the Hudson River. Free Willy: A person who not only attends free movie screenings, but is also rabid about getting other free stuff at the screenings. For example, a Free Willy is actually offended if a radio station sponsoring the screening doesn't give out free t-shirts with the station's logo. Genrist: A moviegoer who likes only a specific genre of movie and refuses to recognize the merits of a movie outside that genre. Pronounced like "genre" except with an "ist" added to the end. The Inopportune Laugher: This moviegoer laughs during the most awkward and inappropriate scenes. During a dramatic death scene or a really quiet, tension-filled scene is when you are most likely to hear a guffaw from the Inopportune Laugher. Jobber: An actor who will pretty much accept any role he's offered no matter how bad the movie is. Christopher Walken (The Stepford Wives, Envy, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack, The Country Bears) is a prime example. Keanu Reeves School of Acting: Whenever an actor displays wooden, unemotional, one-note, and/or surfer-esque acting abilities then refer to him as a graduate of the Keanu Reeves School of Acting. Recent graduates include Paul Walker and Josh Hartnett. Kevin Costner School of Accents: Accents that are so bad as to be laughable. Remember Kev's south Texan Robin Hood or his bowel-loosening Bostonian accent in Thirteen Days? It's important to note that this is not exclusive to Mr. Costner. Think about Carrie Fisher's now-you-hear-it-now-you-don't British accent in Star Wars. Better yet, what about Jon Voight's Spanglish accent in Anaconda? (courtesy of Dennis G.) Movie Mark: 1: A studly, witty, and highly intellectual individual who has his own website and reviews movies, 2: A person who loves movies and thus, is targeted by the movie studios. Movie Marksmanship: The rare ability of a movie reviewer to totally hit the mark in all his reviews, thus gaining the trust of almost all his readers. Johnny Betts is frequently known as having the best Movie Marksmanship. "His reviews always hit bullseye!" (courtesy of Beth F.) Movie Nazi: A moviegoer who can't tolerate even the slightest whisper. Even talking softly during previews will get you nasty glares from the uptight Movie Nazi. MST-er: A movie that's so cinematically horrible that it's actually quite entertaining. Watch Gymkata and Troll 2 and you'll know what I mean. Named in honor of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Paré: A really bad movie that serves as a pariah on an actor's career resume. This is a movie an actor would love to make disappear from his credits. Named in honor of Mr. Bad Movie himself - Michael Paré. Plant: Someone who loves just about every single movie he sees. This person's inability to say something negative regarding any movie leads one to believe he must be a studio plant. If you hear someone sing the praises of The Stepford Wives then chances are he's a plant. PMS (Parental Misguidance Syndrome): A term used to describe parents who show absolutely no discernment regarding which movies their children watch. A parent who allows a pre-teen to watch something like Eurotrip or the South Park movie "because it's a cartoon" is suffering from a bad case of PMS. The Popcorn Pulley: The system by which a bag of popcorn is moved along a row of seats. The system includes, but is not limited to, adults leaning over and guiding the bag as it passes from right to left or from left to right. The system has failed, when the bag of popcorn is dropped, and everyone in the three rows directly behind the popcorn pulley has been alerted to the failure (courtesy of Maria E.). Prophet: Someone who's always voicing his opinion on what will happen in the next scene(s) (courtesy of Teo). The Punchliner: This is the former class clown who loves to yell out jokes and snappy little punchlines during a movie. Example: During a suspenseful scene in a thriller, if a woman is alone in her house and she hears a knock on the door in the middle of the night, the Punchliner is likely to use the quiet theater to showcase his comedic skills by yelling out, "Pizza's here!" or "Strip-o-gram!" Most of the time, after delivering a joke, The Punchliner will look around the theater to see if anybody is laughing. He's usually met by a deafening chorus of crickets. Resnacker: The resnacker buys popcorn and coke at a movie ONE time. He or she will then bring his or her old bucket and cup to future movies in order to get free refills. No amount of wear and tear on the cardboard bucket and cup will stop a resnacker. This individual may also be a Free Willy. Release Date Rumba: When a studio moves the release date around so much it's like trying to follow a couple around the dance floor of a Latin Dance Contest (courtesy of Ms. Ang). The Scream-and-laugher: The person you'll find at scary movies who is always right behind you (and it is the same person every time) who screams at scary moments, laughs for 30 minutes, and spends another half hour explaining to his friends why he was screaming. (courtesy of Shane M.) Seat Saver Sally: A moviegoer who is dedicated and diligent about getting to a movie early and saving seats, possibly up to two rows. Seat Saver Sally will bring many items to place on seats in order to send a signal that those seats are spoken for. If you try to take one of the seats, then prepare to suffer her wrath. Smuggler: A moviegoer who refuses to fund the Concession Cartel and therefore brings in outside snacks (aka contraband). Snackthrift: A moviegoer who buys popcorn, coke, or candy at the theater and then consumes less than half of it. Take Out a Loan: If you leave your movie seat and tell a friend you're gonna go "take out a loan" then you're implying that you're going to buy concessions. Target Practice: The exercise of deliberately watching awful movies to improve your movie marksmanship (courtesy of Beth G). Transgenred: Exhibiting a love of a type of genre that normally wouldn't be associated with a particular gender or race. Examples include: male moviegoers who love Barbra Streisand dramas and most anything with Meryl Streep or Glenn Close, female moviegoers who rate the Rambo and Rocky series as their favorites of all time, white moviegoers who can really relate to Boyz in the Hood and Spike Lee, or black moviegoers who love British comedies. Turd burger: Same as a "Floater." Two Movie Syndrome: A term used to describe a movie whose first half is drastically different from its second half. Johnny also refers to this as a "Dual Tone Movie." (courtesy of Felix) Vest Movie: A film wherein the heroes (or villains) don cool paramilitary techno-vests that are full of every gadget they will need for the mission ahead. Usually appealing only to guys who like lots of gunfire and explosions. Think S.W.A.T., Aliens, Die Hard 2, etc. (courtesy of Dennis G.) Viewer's Remorse: What a moviegoer experiences when he watches a movie so bad that he is depressed that he wasted precious hours of his life on the rubbish. Even if he saw the movie for free, he still can't get those hours of his life back. Wallhugger: A person at the video store who only rents new releases and will even get offended if offered a movie more than two years old (courtesy of "Dignan Tenenbaum"). Wrist Slitter: A movie with an ending so horribly sad and unfulfilling that you'll almost feel like slitting your wrists once the credits roll. This is not the feel good movie of the year. Where the Red Fern Grows, A Simple Plan, and Leaving Las Vegas are examples of wrist slitters. |
HOME PAGE  Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed Lars and the Real Girl (DVD) Day of the Dead (DVD) The Forbidden Kingdom Street Kings The Ruins Leatherheads Enchanted  Weekend Results: 1. Iron Man($50,500,000) 2. Speed Racer($20,210,000) 3. What Happens in Vegas($20,000,000) 4. Made of Honor($7,600,000) 5. Baby Mama($5,766,000) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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