Movie Minutiae - The Sci-Fi Channel Report
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
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A quick look at my Bad Movie Reviews shows that I love tearing really bad
movies to shreds. However, the Sci-Fi Channel churns out so many of them that I just don't have time to watch them
all. It has to be "so bad it's good" to really catch my interest. The ones that are "so bad I want to stab my eye
with a corn cob" just aren't gonna cut it these days. Give me a nice big plate of cheese. I'm tired of being served
a plate of boredom with a fifth of crap on the rocks.
Here are some of the Sci-Fi originals that I couldn't finish and don't recommend you try:
- Dragon Sword - You'd think that a period piece (and I use that term lightly)
starring Patrick Swayze with a 21st century haircut asking for licorice would be comedic gold, right? Well,
you'd think wrong. I lasted about 5 minutes and couldn't even force myself to fast forward through it.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must take a stand and refuse to sit through certain Sci-Fi
Originals, and Dragon Sword happened to be my time.
- Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove - Skip it. All the "good" stuff is in the
commercials. If you've seen the "Have you heard about the pirate movie? It's rated aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh." joke
then you've seen all you need to. An undead pirate goes around cutting heads off. Fake blood ensues.
It's really quite boring. I did chuckle when one guy's head got sliced off and then bounced around on the ground
like a Wham-O Super Ball. Norman Stingley would've been proud. Or not.
All right, all right. Just so you won't send me angry emails asking who Mr. Stingley is - he was a chemist who
invented the original Super Ball in 1965. You're welcome.
- Devil's Prey - Something to do with a group of friends accepting an anonymous
invitation to a rave. Turns out it's a trap set by some Satanists to kill a bunch of people. To be honest I
can't remember what POSSESSED me to record this. BWAHAHAHAHA! If you didn't laugh at my remarkably pithy
little joke there then you'll definitely want to stay away from this one. The movie doesn't contain anything
that comes close to the entertainment value of my topical pun.
At least that's what I gathered from the 5 minutes of this skid mark that I actually watched. As soon as I
saw that it starred some Jerry O'Connell look-alike I knew it was fast-forward time. Oh wait. That's Jerry's
brother Charlie. Are they twins? They sure look it. Let me check ... nope. Jerry's more than a year older
than ol 'Charles.
I'm disappointed because I just looked at Charlie's IMDb message board, AKA the Grand Central Station of
message boards, and saw a post from August of last year that encouraged everyone (all three people reading his
board) to catch Charlie at J.C. Penney stores across the U.S. as he promoted the newest bra from Lily of
France.
Why was Charlie O'Connell promoting bras? Are the man boobs already starting to form? I'm even more disappointed
because apparently I also missed out on a chance to win a trip to New York AND (here's the best part) lunch with
Charlie. Sigh. No worries though, I've heard a rumor that Charlie is now willing to have lunch with anybody's
who paying.
Trivia question - Why is Charlie O'Connell famous?
"Because he's Jerry's brother?"
Nice try, but it was a trick question. Charlie O'Connell ISN'T famous. Even I'm a bigger movie star.
- Abominable - Talk about an ABOMINABLE waste of time! I'm here all week, folks.
I thought this might be somewhat interesting to check out since it stars Lloyd Braun of Seinfeld fame, but
it's not. The well-developed and "unchartered waters" story deals with a Bigfoot creature killin' some hot chicks and a wheelchair-bound
Lloyd Braun watching from his house and trying to warn them. Deep stuff.
The creature isn't on-screen all that much, and I can't blame the filmmakers for going that route since the ape
costume they use is absolutely ridiculous. He looks like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons. Only less
menacing.
Jean-Claude Van Damme was once attached to a movie entitled Abominable, but it dealt with an abominable
snow man. I have no doubt it would have been all sorts of Chris Kattan bad, but Van Damme roundhouse kicking
a huge snow man would've been worlds more entertaining than watching a man in a Walmart gorilla suit chase some
bimbos around. Fast forward through this if you must, but be prepared not to stop on more than five minutes
worth of "action."
Oh, and I haven't heard any Disability Rights groups complaining that a real disabled actor should've been
chosen to play Lloyd Braun's role. Of course, in doing so they'd have to admit they watched the film or
resort to watching the film, so I can understand their lack of desire to champion that cause.
- Flying Virus - A movie about a journalist uncovering a government conspiracy to
unleash virus-carrying killer bees. The bees escape from a box on a plane and start attacking the passengers.
It stars Craig "Poor Man's Josh Brolin" Sheffer, Gabrielle Anwar (whose lips look like they were stung by
the killer bees), and Rutger "Can I Cash the Check Yet?" Hauer.
It's one of those bad movies that's trying really hard to be good and as a result ends up being a colossal bore.
Come on, people, CAMP IT UP! The dialogue is so DULL that I kept my thumb on the fast forward button for 90%
of the movie.
I was hoping this would be a nice, cheesy tune-up for Snakes on a Plane, but they couldn't
even inject a little mindless fun when the bees got loose on the plane. Skip it. I was happy to free my DVR of
these two hours.
- Mosquito - After an alien spaceship crashes, mosquitoes feed on the alien corpses,
become huge, and start attacking people. Yeah. This is worth fast forwarding through just to take a look at the
silliness of what 1995 special effects gave us in regard to huge mosquitoes.
I have to give the movie credit for one bit of cleverness - during one scene a guy in a hotel room is watching
the news and the reporter's name is "Alan Smithee." If you don't get the joke then look up "Alan Smithee" on
IMDb.com and you'll understand the reference.
So the movie obviously recognizes that it has no artistic merit, but unfortunately the acting is just bad to
the point of embarrassment rather than amusement. It's kind of like watching a skit at a family reunion or a
Boy Scouts ceremony. You grit your teeth and wait uncomfortably for it to be over.
- Voodoo Moon - Yes, the obvious joke is to say a more apt title would be Doodoo
Moon, but I like to think the Movie Mark's maturity level rides a little higher than that. Wrong thinking,
yes, but I can pretend.
Another snoozer. Something to do with a demonic being destroying an entire town except for a brother and sister
and then 20 years later the bro and sis have to destroy the demon. Dunno. I didn't watch enough of it to fully
grasp what was going on. All I really know is that Charisma Carpenter is in it and she's looking all sorts of
Ali Landry hot, but it isn't enough to warrant two hours of your attention.
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