Movie Minutiae - Johnny Betts' Worst of 2006
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Click here for Johnny's Best of 2006
To be honest with you, 2006 was a pretty bland year for movies. I'm not sure why I'd have any reason to be dishonest
with you, rendering my proclamation of honesty fairly pointless, but I digress. The majority of the films I saw fell in
a range between "slightly above mediocre" to "somewhat decent." However, you can always count on a few turdburgers to be
floating around in the toilet of Hollywood, and 2006 was no exception.
Some universally loathed stinkers didn't make my list because they weren't screened in Memphis and there was no
way I'd pay to go see 'em (Basic Instinct 2), while others looked so devoid of entertainment value that I
chose to not even see them for free (Shaggy Dog).
But despite my newfound selectivity, I still managed to have quite a few regrets in what I wasted my time and gas money
on. Here are 2006's 10 biggest pieces of proof that no matter how bad your life is, it could always be worse - you could
have worked on one of these disasters.
"We need a new genre term for bad horror films like See No
Evil that induce so much unintentional laughter that you almost have to label them comedic.
Feel free to send me your suggestions. For now we'll just call 'em HOR-larious!"
See No Evil is 2006's best "Do it Yourself MST3K" movie. A
movie so bad on every level that lovers of bad cinema are guaranteed to have a good time.
From a technical standpoint it's far worse than many films on this list, but I'd much rather laugh at someone's
astounding incompetence than be bored to tears by someone trying really hard and failing really badly.
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"I'm dumbfounded by the amount of laughter that I heard coming from the rest of the theater while I sat
there, stone-faced, doing my best impersonation of Josh Hartnett trying to emote."
This one almost didn't make the list until I re-read my absolutely
hysterical review and remembered just how painful it was to sit through. I have zero tolerance for
comedies that fail to make me laugh more than once or twice.
Congrats, Casanova - you managed to edge out a Uwe Boll movie
(BloodRayne) for a spot on this infamous list. That's a feat of incompetence not easily
achieved. You almost have to be making an effort to not be good.
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"The problem is that when the heart is placed firmly in the middle of a below-average movie, well,
you know what they say about good intentions and the road it paves."
Julianne Moore's screeching, crying, completely over-the-top performance still stands out as the worst
acting job of the year. Combine her headache-inducing annoyance with a contrived plot and poor excuse
for a plot twist and there's no reason why this shouldn't make the list.
This was also a movie that absolutely refused to end. The climax left me indifferent enough; why do you
think I want to sit through 12 false endings?
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"As soon as the credits rolled the audience booed. My sentiments exactly. Had the audience paid
money for this turdburger then things would have most likely gotten violent, and I would've gladly
led the charge."
I have a real problem with horror/scary movies that don't make me jump or provide me with even a single
instance of fear.
This is basically a remake of the original with even LESS of
a story and none of the effective scares. Ouch. I didn't expect this to be great, but I also didn't
expect to be shocked at how bad it was.
If you're gonna fail in every aspect of filmmaking then at least do it while attempting to be original
rather than just obviously going for some quick box office.
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"I'll give the movie credit - it will definitely play well with 5-year-olds, but that's because it
feels like it was written by one. No offense, but the problem with that is 5-year-olds just aren't that
funny or creative."
Some people think I shouldn't bother including kid's movies on a list like this because I'm not really
a part of the movie's target demographic. Screw that noise. If I'm invited to a screening of a movie
and I honestly feel that movie is one of the 10 worst I saw all year then guess what - I'm putting it
on my list.
I've said it once (in my hilarious review), and I'll say it
again *ahem* Cue the Star Spangled Banner please...
As long as there are kid's movies that refuse to give adequate entertainment to the adults who are
forced to sit through them for the sake of their children, there's going to be Johnny Betts standing
up and harshly putting them in their place.
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"Sorry, but I just don't guffaw down the aisle in maniacal fits of laughter because somebody knows how
to write songs that incorporate 'f' bombs about every third word. Nor do I doff the ol' laughter hat at
non-stop references to male genitalia."
There were actually some funny moments in the film, but that just makes it all the more disappointing
because those moments show that this had potential, especially with talent like Jack Black involved.
Unfortunately, this remained the stupidest film I saw all year, and that simply can't go without proper
recognition.
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4. The Wicker Man
"Just watch the clip montage and then
never think about the movie again. The clip truly contains the only bad-funny moments from the film.
The other 100 minutes are so boring and predictable that you might think you're watching old episodes
of The Weather Channel."
I'm so glad I saw The Wicker Man before finalizing my list because it would have been criminal
for it to be left off. If you're a Nicolas Cage fan then be warned that this film is so bad it'll
probably make you question why. "MY EYES! MY EYES!" "NOT THE BEES!" 'Nough said.
Congrats, Nic! You have made my "Worst of" list two years in a row (thanks to 2005's
The Weatherman). Care to go for three? Oh wait,
dumb question. You've already made your case with Ghost
Rider. I'll be back in about a year with the verdict.
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"If you readers are familiar with writing a résumé then you're aware that experts recommend you
limit it to one page. It seems Jake Wade Wall mistakenly thought the same rule applied to
screenplays."
A bad remake of an already average horror movie making the list? Who would've thought? Anybody
with more than 12 functioning brain cells, that's who.
I could record myself standing in my living room and have a friend call me for 90 minutes and achieve
just as much, if not more, artistic success as this horrendous excuse for a horror movie.
If this stranger calls then do yourself a favor and hang up.
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"American Dreamz is the annoying kid in high
school who tried sooooooo hard to get attention and desperately wanted to make people laugh."
Remember how I said Tenacious D was the stupidest movie I
saw all year? I sure hope so because it's only a couple of entries above this one. Anyway,
American Dreamz is a pretty close second.
Creating effective satire is not easy, especially when you're obviously dumbing down your material to
appeal to teenagers. Well, I've got news for ya Hollywood - the massive $7 million this raked in at the
box office proves how ineffective your formula was. I'd like to hold out hope that this would be a lesson
the big H-town would learn from, but they don't have a good track record in that regard.
Folks, if you learn anything from this list I hope that it's unfunny comedies make for the absolute
worst movies. And for more proof of that...
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"I don't know; maybe it's me. I guess I should blame the fact that nowadays my comedic standards call
for something more than a cat having sex with a human corpse."
It's been over a year, and my friends and I still hold Date Movie
as the standard for bad comedies.
It rates as the worst parody movie I've ever seen, and I weep for the nation's future considering it
spawned a follow-up (Epic Movie). I haven't met a single person who actually liked this. That's
a rarity, folks.
Hey, at least the movie inspired an ingenious review and a
hilarious piece of hate mail (quite possibly one of the screenwriters,
based on the lack of writing skills on display) that introduced us to the term "stupid spoofing humor."
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Dishonorable Mention
BloodRayne - What's a Bottom 10 list without a Uwe Boll movie on it? Well,
as tempting as it was to add BloodRayne for no other reason than this, I eventually had to make the tough
decision to leave it off.
Was this a good movie? BWAHAHAHAHA! No. But I have to admit that it was a step up from the
usual compost Boll delivers, so I'll be nice and give him a little credit for that.
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties -
This could have easily made the list, but I decided I made my "bad kid's movie" point with
The Ant Bully. There were more important
examples of excrement to expose.
Lonesome Jim - One of the more
boring films I sat through, but it was made with just enough technical competence that I felt it
barely deserved to stay off the list.
Ultraviolet - This is basically the 2006 version of
Aeon Flux - a futuristic sci-fi flick offering a hot
female lead and the promise of some pretty cool action but ultimately disappointing in all regards.
However, Milla Jovovich is more convincing than Charlize Theron as a butt-kickin' heroine, so this
will merely make my "Most Disappointing" list instead.
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