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Movie Review - Alexander (2004)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Oliver Stone |
| Starring: |
Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer, Jared Leto, and Anthony Hopkins |
| Rated: |
R (for violence and some sexuality/nudity) |
| Length: |
173 minutes |
| Genre: |
Epic/Historical |
| Tagline: |
Fortune favors the bold |
| Studio: |
Warner Bros. |
| Website: |
Alexander |
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PLOT
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Alexander (Farrell), the King of Macedonia, conquered 90% of the known world by age 25. Not bad considering all *I*
was conquering by that age was HTML and ASP programming. It is said that he never lost a battle. By the time of
his death at the age of 32 in 323 B.C., he had seized over 2 million square miles in land. Alexander was known as
one of the greatest military leaders in the history of warfare, but you wouldn't know why by watching this movie.
One very long, very boring chore of a movie to watch ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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"In you lives the light of this world. Your companions will long be shadows in the underworld, when you will be the one,
forever young, forever inspiring - never will there be an Alexander like you - Alexander the Great."
Well, those are the words of Olympias, Alexander's mother (Jolie), but if this movie is any judge, then he should've
been called Alexander the Boring. Or Alexander the Tedious. Perhaps Alexander the Way Too Talkative? You get the
idea.
Folks, this movie is 3 hours long, and it makes sure you know it. It's been a while since I've wanted a movie to end
so badly. I lost interest at the hour and a half mark and was near tears when I thought about how it was only halfway
over. Still, I trudged forward, thinking the action would pick up a bit. "There are bound to be a few more fight
scenes coming up," I figured. Should've used the calculator on this one because I figured wrong.
Alexander conquered 90% of the known world, right? Well, I guess I just assumed that meant the movie would explore why he
was such a great leader and warrior. Silly me. I wish I'd been warned that instead, this movie is about all the boring
conversations he apparently had between battles.
There are only two battle scenes (the Battle of Gaugamela and the Battle of India). TWO! Many historians feel Alexander
possessed the greatest military mind of all time, so two small battle scenes is unforgivable. The Battle of
India was pretty cool with the armored elephants, but other than that things were really too fast and chaotic to get
a grasp of what was going on. The bird's eye view was pretty cool though, and that's about the best I can say
regarding the movie. Pretty sad, really.
What makes the movie so bad? Let's examine just a few details.
- The dialogue is embarrassingly bad at times. Anthony Hopkins actually has to use a line in which he states that
Alexander never lost a battle except to Hephaistion's thighs. Or something like that. It's a reference to them
wrestling as teenagers, but it's horribly awkward dialogue. Absolutely laughable.
- I don't care how realistic it is, but teenage boys wrestling in big diapers look ridiculous. The fact that we can
see Alexander's big diaper under his army skirt is even worse.
- What is up with Alexander's hair? He has bad hair in every stage of life. It looks extremely fake, especially the
bad dye job. The worst was the mullet. For a minute there I thought I was watching David Spade as Joe Dirt.
- A lot of controversy has surrounded the relationship between Alexander and Hephaistion (Leto). I don't know if Alexander
was actually bisexual, so I'm not really gonna speculate. I simply haven't researched the subject enough to know. But
everybody involved with the movie claims that the relationship isn't really meant to be looked at in a sexual manner.
Could've fooled me. The sappy dialogue between the two is painfully embarrassing, as evidenced by the theater audience's
laughter. They hug, pledge their devotion to each other, use mock poetic language, etc. When Hephaistion told Alexander
that he was the sun to him and that he was jealous of losing him to the world, all while undressing him with his eyes, I
started to wonder what gay soap opera I had accidentally stumbled upon. Sorry, but that's not exactly what I want to see
in what is supposed to be an epic war movie.
- Oliver Stone somehow failed at character development, despite the fact that he had three hours to work with. It
would've been nice to know what exactly drove and inspired the characters. For example, Alexander sees Roxane (Rosario
Dawson) dance and then the next thing you know they're getting married. Why did he choose her of all the women dancing?
I don't know, nor will you after watching the movie.
- The love scene between Colin Farrell and Rosario Dawson is very strange. I kept expecting some wonka wonka
porn music to start playing. When Farrell let out a little cat-like growl I shook my head and started to look around
the theater for the exits.
- File "Transvestite-Looking Men Belly Dancing For an Extended Period of Time" under "Scenes I Hope to Never See
Again in Life." Then to make it worse, Farrell kissed the guy afterwards. Sigh. Three hours, folks. Three
hours I'll *never* get back. I'm WARNING you.
I could go on, talking about the over-the-top acting, the messy editing, the lack of story cohesion, etc., but I've
wasted enough of my time on this movie.
The biggest failure of Alexander is that after the credits rolled, I was left with the question, "What exactly was the
point of the movie?" What exactly was Stone trying to accomplish? The subject is Alexander the Great, so why, after
three hours, does Stone not give us any real insight into his military mind?
Why was Alexander so great? Stone just doesn't tell us. The movie gave me no reason to root for the guy.
Anthony Hopkins' narration tells us his accomplishments, but the movie itself doesn't really show us what made him
such a great conqueror.
Stone claims to have a great awe and respect for Alexander. If this is true, then why does he leave us with the impression
that Alexander was a boring whiner? Why are we left scratching our heads in amazement that Alexander conquered the world?
I would say "nice try," but I can't even give Mr. Stone that much credit. I doubt even Alexander himself could sit
through this.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Actors portraying soldiers underwent extensive training in ancient battle strategies and in the use of exact
replicas of Macedonian and Greek weaponry.
- Angelina Jolie portrays Colin Farrell's mother, yet in reality she is only one year older than he. No real
effort was made to make Jolie look old enough to be Farrell's mom.
- Val Kilmer claims he talked to Oliver Stone about Alexander back when the two were filming The
Doors. Looks like Stone can't use "not enough time" as an excuse for this cinematic mess.
- Kilmer underwent an hour of daily makeup to replicate King Philip's battle-scarred eye.
- During the Battle of Gaugamela, Alexander led a 40,000 man infantry and 7000 man cavalry to victory over King
Darius III's 250,000 man Persian army.
- Stephanie wanted me to refer to Hephaistion (Jared Leto's character) as Jordan Catalano throughout the review,
but I never watched My So Called Life and thus refused to do so.
- We attended the Alexander screening in Houston (the Movie Mark on location!) at a theater that looks like
it cost more to build than most sports arenas.
- Colin Farrell was in American Outlaws with Barry Tubb who was in Return to Lonesome Dove with Reese
Witherspoon who was in Best Laid Plans with Josh Brolin who was in The Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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There's really not much here that would meet mama's approval. The lack of extreme profanity would be no
real solace for la madre. The battle scenes are graphic and bloody enough to ensure this is not kid friendly.
There's quite a bit of nudity during one love scene between Farrell and Dawson. This isn't for children. To
be honest, I don't know many people who this *is* for.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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FALSE ADVERTISEMENT! After watching the trailer I expected the movie to be pretty intense with lots of cool action
and battle scenes. Wrong on all counts. And the trailer gives you no indication as to how much the movie focuses
on the awkward Alexander/Hephaistion love fest.
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THE GIST
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I'm really not sure how this is possible, but I think I knew even less about Alexander the Great AFTER the movie than
I did going in. If you're interested in finding out about the life and accomplishments of Alexander the Great,
then try to find a documentary on the History Channel. All you'll get from this movie is a deep resentment for
Alexander. "If Alexander had never existed," you'll think to yourself, "then this movie wouldn't have been made,
and those three hours of my life would've been used more wisely."
I can't even recommend this to history buffs. At best it's a rental, and that's only if you're efficient with
your remote control's fast forward button.
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