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Movie Review - Assault on Precinct 13 (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Jean-François Richet |
| Starring: |
Ethan Hawke, Laurence Fishburne, Drea de Matteo, Gabriel Byrne, Maria Bello, and John Leguizamo |
| Rated: |
R (for strong violence and language throughout, and for some drug content) |
| Length: |
109 minutes |
| Genre: |
Action |
| Tagline: |
Unite and fight. |
| Studio: |
Universal |
| Website: |
Assault on Precinct 13 |
| Release: |
January 19, 2005 |
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PLOT
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Detroit. New Year's Eve. All is quiet on the dark, icy night. But that's perfectly fine for Jake Roenick (Hawke),
Iris Ferry (de Matteo), and Jasper O'Shea (Brian Dennehy). They're stationed at the outdated, rundown Precinct 13.
They'll be moving to a new precinct soon, but somebody needs to keep watch this one last night, and they're just
the laid back crew to do it.
Roenick has been doing desk duty ever since his two partners were killed in a drug bust gone bad, so he's all for
avoiding confrontation. Iris is an "amorous" secretary who loves to wear fishnet stockings to work, so she's
quite happy to dance the night away. And good ol' O'Shea. He's just your stereotypical Irish cop who is days
away from retirement. In other words, the only thing of interest to him is getting drunk. Should be a quiet,
peaceful New Year's Eve.
What could go wrong, right? This is a movie about Precinct 13. An assault on it ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Keeping watch over a rundown Police Precinct on an icy New Year's Eve night sure sounds simple enough. What
could possibly go wrong?
Welp, check your Action Movie Clichés Dictionary and you'll find the answer. Problems arise when a van
transporting Laurence Fishburne and other hardened criminals to the city jail finds itself unable to
traverse Detroit's icy streets. What are the viable options? I'll give you a clue - there is only one ...
DING DING DING ... Take up residence at the nearby Precinct 13 for the night.
OK, no big deal. The night might not be as quiet as hoped for, but how hard can it be to baby-sit this group
of punks? There's John Lequizamo as the drugged out Puerto Rican. Then there's Ja Rule as the "gangsta" who
refers to himself in the 3rd person. And then there's some chick who is cursed to forever be recognized as
"the black, manly-looking chick who guest-starred on [fill in name of cop/forensics show]." Oh, wait. Then
there's Laurence Fishburne. The only intimidating guy in the bunch. He could be a big problem because he's
one of the most notorious mobsters/gangsters in town.
As expected, Fishburne does indeed become the key to everything. It doesn't take long for a few masked
invaders to storm the Precinct. They want Fishburne. The cops originally assume that it's Fishburne's men
trying to help him escape, but we all know that's not the case. Rogue cops haven't been invoked yet, and rogue
cops always make an appearance in an action film like this, so who's after Fishburne? ROGUE COPS! You see,
they've had some dirty dealings with Fishburne, and they fear their corruption might be exposed if he talks.
They have no choice but to eliminate him. I'm sure it was a big moral dilemma for them, but a choice had
to be made.
This is where the fun begins. Because he and his men are badly outnumbered, Roenick decides to arm the four
prisoners. That's cute and all, but what happens if the siege is diverted? Roenick tells the prisoners they'll
remain under arrest, and they'll "figure it all out later," but I'm thinking a group of armed thugs will take
exception to that, especially after helping cops survive an attack by other cops.
Oh well, what can you do? It's at this point that the bullets and the clichés start raining down on us harder
than Ike Turner's fists on an ex-wife. You're not gonna walk out of this movie soused with originality, but
who cares? This is just solid, action movie fun. You'll ooh, you'll ahh, you'll grimace, and you'll make fun
of the cheese. Allow me to share some of my favorite ridicule-worthy clichés from the movie:
- Rogue cops magically block everybody's cell phone signals. We're not really given a reasonable
explanation. I guess the director thought they needed to answer the "why can't they use their cell phones to
call for help" question but neglected to realize people might wander how the signals were blocked. It's
called movie magic.
- Professional snipers apparently can't hit the broadside of Rosie O'Donnell's monolithic buttocks from
a few feet away. Oh, they hit all around their targets; they just can't hit the actual target. My favorite
example is when a couple of the prisoners are outside hiding behind a snow bank. The sniper can see the
prisoners behind the snow, but he responds with, "I don't have a shot." THEY'RE BEHIND SNOW! When, in the
history of the world, has soft, fluffy snow ever stopped a bullet?
- Bad guys "monologue-ing" instead of shooting. Why do bad guys insist on giving long speeches before killing
their adversary? The speech is always juuuuuuust long enough to allow the adversary to escape the desperate
situation he faces. Do movie bad guys not watch movies? You'd think they'd learn.
- A completely unsurprising plot "twist." Stevie Wonder called; he said he saw it coming a few miles
away.
But again, who cares? If you can buy the 5'9" 150 lb Ethan Hawke as a tough guy cop, then everything else
should be easy to swallow.
One thing that I appreciated, a facet that will probably be lost on the average soccer mom, is the movie's "show no
mercy" attitude in regard to who gets killed and how. In movie land, the rules clearly state that all innocent
people should survive, all actors who are somewhat recognizable should survive, and no animals are to be harmed.
Clearly, Assault on Precinct 13 wasn't made aware of these rules. I warn you now, don't get too attached
to any particular character. Everybody is fair game for a graphic bullet to the head. And if you're squeamish
when it comes to violence towards animals, well, keep in mind that a dog actually gets punched in the face.
I just wish there had been a better lead actor for me to cheer for. Hawke is serviceable as the head cop, but I've
just never been a huge fan. The fact that Fishburne could obviously snap him over his knee, and I would have had
no problem with that, doesn't help. I think the biggest thing hurting Hawke is that records confirm that the name
on his birth certificate is NOT "Tom Cruise." Someone needs to alert him of this fact and tell him to drop the
impersonation.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Remake of the 1976 John Carpenter film by the same name.
- Mark Wahlberg turned down the role of Jake Roenick.
- Drea de Matteo adds a good combination of sex appeal and tough girl attitude to her role. She avoids being the
stereotypical "damsel in distress" and seriously looks like she's trying to audition her way out of her Joey
contract. She no doubt knows a dead end when she sees it.
- In America, we like two kinds of bad guys - those who are so cool we have no choice but to root for them, and
those who we just want to see dead in some sort of violent fashion. Typically, if the latter is in the form of a
rogue cop, then all the better! If you've ever been stopped for going 5 mph over the speed limit, then you have no
problem seeing a corrupt cop get his celluloid comeuppance.
- Ethan Hawke was in Gattaca with Uma Thurman who was in Sweet and Lowdown with Gretchen Mol who
was in Picnic with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Rest assured, I won't be recommending this one to mama any time soon. Lots of profanity and gratuitous violence
make this one unfriendly for mama, children, and those who are squeamish or easily offended by lots of people
getting shot.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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The trailer does a good job of not giving away too much nor feeding us any misconceptions about what to expect.
If you like the trailer, then you'll likely enjoy the movie.
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THE GIST
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Assault on Precinct 13 is an action movie for the Grand Theft Auto video game crowd. It's loud, it's
fast-paced, it's profane, and it's in your face. It doesn't pretend to aspire to be great art. The goal is
to entertain, and the goal is achieved. If you're squeamish with violence, or if you're looking for intellectual
enlightenment, then I recommend looking elsewhere.
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