After years of failing to find Mr. Right, Jennifer Lopez decides to take another route to reach her desired goal of becoming a mother - artificial insemination. Weeeeell, lo and behold and shock of all shocks, that VERY SAME DAY she happens to run into the dude from the Moonlight vampire TV show and wouldn't ya know it - he just might be THE ONE! Please ignore that beating sound. It's my heart, refusing to be still.

But how does she tell him she just became pregnant? How will he react? Will he stand by her side, or will he move on and look for something a little less chaotic? If you've ever seen a romantic comedy in your life then you know the answer to that one. If you don't then I have no idea how you're managing to operate a computer right now...

 
Look, you dear readers have been devouring my reviews long enough to know that I'm pretty easy-going when it comes to romantic comedies. I recognize their intentions and their audiences, and as such, I give them a fair amount of leeway. However, I'll also give them a fair bit of thrashing when deserved. So in regard to the new Jennifer Lopez rom-com-stomp The Back-up Plan, let me just say...

That. Was. Brutal. I could stop right there, and I feel my point would be adequately stated, but this filmed robbed me of nearly two hours of my life, so why rob myself the joy of a little retaliation?

One of the film's biggest problems is its blatant predictability. Sure, most romantic comedies follow the same safe formula, but The Back-up Plan is just downright rude and arrogant about it. I began to count the clichés and complete the characters' sentences in an effort to stay awake.

• The male lead sports a constant five o'clock shadow. Check.
• The male lead has a phobia of wearing shirts. Check.
• Couple falls in love within 15 minutes. Check.
• A small conflict arises and the couple reacts like overly emotional teens and break up. Check.
• Couple undergoes third act revelation that they're truly meant to be. Check!

You know how it goes. Jennifer Lopez is driving a car and staring at a shirtless Alex O'Loughlin AT THE SAME TIME! Voila, car go crash and boom. Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming a mile away.

Plus, no romantic dinner in a movie like this is complete until wine spills, candles topple over, a tablecloth erupts in flames, and the couple ends up wet and muddy. Who says there's no originality left in Hollywood?

Even though the predictability is fairly egregious, I feel the movie's biggest transgression is the fact that the relationship between Lopez and O'Loughlin isn't the least bit believable.

It's fueled by lust. Nothing more. There's absolutely no development whatsoever. The script wants to fast forward to the pregnancy as quickly as possible and expects us to believe that it's love at first sight for these two.  Nuh-unh. You can sell that someplace else, Sam Cain, 'cause I ain't buying it.

So Ms. Lopez has spent 40 years looking for "the one" but apparently has such refined taste that she hasn't come close, but within two days she thinks this guy just might be it? All she's basing it on is he's cute and funny. In what world does "it's meant to be" consist of a couple having sex before the girl reveals to the guy that she's pregnant via artificial insemination?

O'Loughlin whines and cries about this upon revelation (while neglecting the fact that he was irresponsible enough to have sex with her by day two), yet he decides to stick around for the long-haul. Whatever.

The film's only strengths?  Lopez and O'Loughlin. Both put in fine performances and are certainly more deserving of better scripts than this.

The women in the screening audience seemed to enjoy the movie, so maybe my lack of estrogen contributes to my lack of enjoyment. Perhaps anybody who has gone through a pregnancy will get something out of it. I obviously have never experienced such a thing, but I sure could have used an epidural prior to watching this.

O'Loughlin has a telling quote in the film's third act. After witnessing a woman give birth in a kiddie pool (which includes her bleating like a goat and releasing her bowels), he responds, "I never wanna see that again."

After seeing The Back-up Plan, those words echo my exact sentiments.

• Tom Bosley looks like he's knocking on death's door, and it's about ready to let him in.
• Linda Lavin from Alice doesn't look like she's far behind.
• Jennifer Lopez is in Monster-In-Law with Will Arnett who is in Jonah Hex with Josh Brolin who is in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.

Rated PG-13 for sexual content, crude material and language, The Back-up Plan doesn't meet my approval, mama's approval, and it won't meet your Sunday school teacher's approval. The dialogue rarely exists without an inclusion of sexual innuendo or unnecessary profanity. "S" bombs rule the day, and the movie really goes for some shock value by dropping an "f" bomb and at least one G-d**n. There's also a disgusting scene involving a woman giving birth in a kiddie pool. There's plenty hear that neither eyes need to see nor ears need to hear.

My initial reaction to seeing the trailer was, "Oh man, if they have a screening of this I'll probably have to go." Then I expressed to my lovely wife, "I'm gonna go ahead and predict it now - that's a movie you'll think is cute and I'll struggle to sit through." Welp, it was even worse than the trailer initially led me to believe.

The Back-up Plan is NOT a good date movie. It's 100% chick flick and not a good one at that. Ladies, if you ignore my warnings and insist on seeing it then see it with your girl friends. Don't force this one on your man. You'll owe him BIG time.