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Movie Review - Bad News Bears (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Richard Linklater |
| Starring: |
Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear, Marcia Gay Harden, and a bunch of annoying kids |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for rude behavior, language throughout, some sexuality, and thematic elements) |
| Length: |
111 minutes |
| Genre: |
Comedy/Sports |
| Tagline: |
Baseball has rules. Meet the exceptions. |
| Studio: |
Paramount Pictures |
| Website: |
Bad News Bears |
| Release: |
July 22, 2005 |
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PLOT
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Morris Buttermaker (Thornton) is a former Major League Baseball player (he pitched 2/3rds of an inning and had a
career ERA of 36.00) who drinks heavily and has a goofy looking soul patch. Marcia Gay Harden is a lawyer who
orchestrated some sort of lawsuit to force the town little league to allow a team of inept brats to play. She bribes
Buttermaker to coach, and it becomes his job to overcome the clichéd, remade odds and try to lead these
foul-mouthed runts to the championship. A bunch of annoying, cussing kids ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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I think I'm going to go shopping for a file cabinet this weekend. I've been meaning to get my life more
organized, and I figured it'd be a good idea to start filing things. I'll pick up several folders as well, and I'll
be sure to label one "Unnecessary Wastes of my Time." Under "U" of course. And while I'm at it, I think I'll
go ahead and make "Remake of The Bad News Bears" the first entry I file.
I actually expected to be fairly entertained by this movie, so I was quite shocked by how pedestrian it is.
Billy Bob Thornton as an alcoholic Little League baseball coach? Come on, that's gotta be pretty funny, right?
Well, you'd think. But strangely enough, Thornton is quite subdued, and apparently the writers thought it'd be
absolutely hilarious if they made the kids raunchier than Thornton. Perhaps the writers could use a course on
how to more effectively think things through.
I never dismiss a movie immediately just because it's a remake. I always give it a chance to stand on its own
merits. Unfortunately, this is a remake that seems content with touching all the main plot points from the
original, and then just making the kids cuss more. Sorry, but I fail to see the humor in 11 year olds running around
saying God-d**n and the like. Har har har, yeah, there's some crisp screenwriting there. If I see an 11 or 12
year old using that kind of language in real life I can't help but think it's a punk who hasn't been taken to
the woodshed enough. I certainly don't cheer them on. Same thing with the kids in this movie.
I'm all for a good underdog story, but this is one of the least inspiring underdog movies I've ever seen. I was
actually rooting against the Bears. Talk about the biggest collection of annoying kid actors I've seen in a long
time, especially Tanner (Timmy Deters). It's bad enough that his stupid girly hair makes him look like a young
Natalie Maines, but his taste for the profane and penchant for getting into fights indicate to me that he's just
going to be another drain on taxpayer money when he's sitting in a jail cell in a few years. He's a prime example
of why you shouldn't spare the rod.
The movie also tries way too hard to attempt to be controversial without being all that offensive. For example,
the uniforms are sponsored by Bo Beeps strip club. This doesn't offend me so much as it insults my intellect due
to the fact that it's just not very funny. "Haha, look at how irreverent we are! This is edgy stuff! We have now
thusly taken the kids to dine at Hooters! Bow at our over-the-top vulgarity!" Um, I'm not too impressed. "Well
you should be! Fine, we will henceforth throw in another instance of a child using a curse word! That shall surely
induce fits of laughter!" Not really.
"Oh, well, then we shall have Billy Bob say such taboo things as, 'This is not a democracy! It's a dictatorship,
and I'm Hitler!" Woo, yeah, that's really crossing the line there. Nice try. Maybe if you have a sequel you
can replace "Hitler" with "Stalin" or "Hussein" and REALLY cross the line. Good job, guys, you've got some
ready-made quotes just sitting in the queue.
Give me a break. Billy Bob does have his moments, and he's obviously the funniest thing the movie has going
for it, but at times the movie seems like an awkward attempt at letting him just monologue in an effort to come up
with a memorable one-liner. After each failed attempt he's allowed to keep going, as if we're being treated to
a deleted rehearsal scene or something. "The audience didn't laugh? OK, let's try another..."
Oh, and let me get back to the kids for a second - for the most part they're all really bad actors. Especially
Sammi Kraft and Jeff Davies. I know they didn't have previous acting experience, but sheesh, it sticks out like
Paris Hilton at a virgin convention. I started to feel embarrassed watching Ms. Kraft trying to spit out a
simple line like, "You. are. a. lazy. drunk." My sister thought she recognized the girl and asked me, "Where
else have I seen her?" I responded with, "Not acting school."
And poor Jeff Davies - sure, he can hit a baseball, but he looks like Corey Feldman going through an awkward stage
of puberty, and his line delivery is just as unemotional as Ms. Kraft's. I just didn't buy him as the bad boy
that Jackie Earle Haley portrayed so well in the original. It's not often that I'm actually shocked by truly
bad acting in a big screen release, so congrats, Bad News Bears! You've got that going for you!
After about 35 minutes, when I realized this just wasn't going to be a very funny movie, I decided to start
counting how many times we were expected to laugh at dropped fly balls, booted grounders, turd jokes, and the kids
insulting each other and getting into fights. After I had exhausted all 10 fingers within the course of about
5 minutes I decided to just give up, lean back in my seat, and ride it out. T'wasn't easy, especially since this
inexplicably lasts almost two hours, but I survived.
Whenever Billy Bob announces who the Bears will be playing next he asks them what that means for the opposing team.
The players yell out, "Bad news!" How ironic that the same mantra can be applied to what you can expect if you
fork out your hard-earned dough to see this on the big screen.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- A nationwide search was held on youth baseball fields across the country to fill the roles of Amanda and
Kelly.
- Sammi Kraft (who plays Amanda Whurlitzer) is a real pitcher. Her fastball has been clocked at 70 mph. She had
no previous acting experience, and believe me, it shows.
- I admit that this is nitpicking, but Linklater brought this upon himself. In the production notes, Linklater
brags about how he played baseball, and he can pick apart any sports movie, therefore, he wanted to make this as
legitimate as he possibly could. Well, I started playing baseball when I was 5, played all through high school,
and I still play adult softball. So *I* am another one of those guys who can pick apart a baseball movie, Mr.
Linklater, and I would like to know why you had one of the worst batters batting in the 3rd position ahead of
your cleanup hitter? NOBODY does that! Then later in the game he's batting AFTER the cleanup hitter. So he
either got moved back, or the cleanup hitter got moved forward in the batting order.
Sorry, but you can't do that. When you substitute players you can't just start moving players who are already in
the lineup! They stay in the same order. You don't have the option of saying, "Uh-oh, this guy isn't hitting
well; I'll move him behind this other guy!" I can't remember if this was in the original, but if it was then this
is something that should've been changed. Mr. Linklater should've known better.
- I was quite shocked when I remembered that Richard Linklater directed the vastly superior
School of Rock. I love School of Rock!
It's a great example of how you can make a movie that appeals to both kids and adults without resorting to creating
a group of foul-mouthed children. I expected much, much more.
- Johnny's softball team finished their regular season at 8-2 and will compete in the tournament on Monday,
July 25.
- Johnny pitched and played right field for his high school baseball team. He now plays shortstop and bats in
the cleanup position.
- Stephanie thinks the movie should've been called either Bad Words Bears or Bad News Swears.
- Billy Bob Thornton was in The Alamo with Jason Patric who was in The Lost
Boys with Corey Feldman who was in The Goonies with Josh
Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Why is Paramount marketing this as a kid's film? This is in no way appropriate for children. Profanity is pretty
extreme, especially coming from the kids. Am I supposed to be entertained by 11 year olds saying God-d**n? There
is no nudity, but we do see some scantily-clad strippers cheering the team on. Plus, a lot of parents might not
be amused by the children at Hooters singing along to Eric Clapton's Cocaine or a child being told to lie
to his father or the children being taught to embrace bad sportsmanship or... well, you get the point. Keep the
pre-teens at home for this one.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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Welp, here's a case of a movie's trailer being much funnier than the actual movie. I actually expected this to
be pretty entertaining, especially with Billy Bob Thornton as the coach. I thought this remake just might work.
Thought wrong.
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THE GIST
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The writers of Bad Santa thought it'd be a good idea to remake The Bad News Bears and mix things up
a bit by having the young kids cuss more than in the original. If that sounds like you're idea of a good way to
spend $8+ a pop, then hey, it's your money and there's nothing I can do about it. But please leave the kids at
home. You've been warned.
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