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Movie Review - Catwoman (2004)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Pitof |
| Starring: |
Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, and Sharon Stone |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for action violence and some sensuality) |
| Length: |
105 minutes |
| Genre: |
Action/Comic Book |
| Website: |
Catwoman |
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PLOT
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Patience Philips (Berry) is a shy, insecure graphic designer for the cosmetics company Hedare Beauty. One
day she accidentally stumbles upon some disturbing information regarding their new anti-aging skin product.
Basically, if you stop using it then your face ends up looking like Freddy Krueger's. Hedare (Lambert Wilson)
can't risk this information being leaked, so he has Philips killed. Not to worry! A ridiculous-looking CGI
cat breathes life back into Philips and a whole lot of cheesy crap ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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*cracks knuckles* I've been waiting for this all week, and I know you have too, so here we go.
Some movies are so bad that later when you tell your friends about the movie you might say, "Just when you
think things couldn't get any worse such-and-such happens." Well, I am here to say that Catwoman
successfully avoids this. How so? Because with Catwoman you actually EXPECT it to get worse. In fact,
my biggest complaint is that there isn't ENOUGH cheesy badness. Come on, if you're gonna be a bad movie, then
go the route of Torque and saturate us with your crappiness!
There are some truly classic cheese moments, and I'll get to those shortly, but in the end Catwoman
takes itself way too seriously to cement its position as a classically good "bad movie." Things start off
on a low note as we're "treated" to some of the most boring opening credits I've ever seen. If I want to
see drawings of ancient cats then I'll look 'em up on the Internet, thank you very much. Then things start
to unravel faster than Paris Hilton's nightgown at a frat party as we're forced to listen to Halle Berry's
voice-over narration.
Not only is it badly delivered, but it also sounds like a diary entry from a Dawson's Creek character.
Berry makes a comment about her unremarkable life and how she's an unremarkable woman. For some reason, she
didn't make mention of appearing in an absolutely unremarkable movie.
All right, you want to know how bad this movie truly is, so let me break this down as succinctly as possible.
Feel free to share these bullet points with friends and family. We'll start with the characters.
- Poor Halle Berry. My money says she won't have to worry about shelf-space for another Oscar ... EVER!
I have no idea what possessed her to do this movie. My only guess is it was her way of acting out some sort
of S & M fantasy. This is a role you'd expect Pamela Anderson to take.
- Benjamin Bratt (or as I like to call him, Lou Diamond Phillips Version 2004) plays a cop named Tom
Lone. LONE! Let me guess, he's a lone wolf? A lone warrior? And I suppose his first name is "Tom" to
represent him sort of being Berry's tomcat. Sit close by that phone, Bratt, there's always a chance they'll
do a sequel of Bats and Lou Diamond will be unavailable.
- Alex Borstein is on-hand for comic relief. For some reason the producers seem to define comic
relief as "unfunny one-liners." The worst is when she meets ol' Tom Lone and starts rhyming his name, "Cone,
phone, bone ... not that rhyming is important." WHAT IN THE WORLD??? Who in life has ever done something
like that? Unbelievable. Oh, and Borstein is not attractive, so why is she acting like she's sexy?
- If you thought Sharon Stone was a bad actress before, welp, she just raised the bar for crappy acting.
She was absolutely horrendous. She muttered every line in an over-the-top breathy whisper, pausing on just
about every word. Kids, if you've ever wanted to be a bad actor, then this is your guide. Who told
her that butch haircut she's sporting is attractive? Most pets are better groomed. And her age is really
starting to show. The high-waisted jump suit looks like something my grandmother once refused to wear
because it made *her* look too old.
Are you starting to get the idea here? The ridiculousness of it all really takes off once Berry is
saved by the CGI cat. You see, it's at this point that she starts exhibiting cat characteristics. I was
quite surprised to find out that cats can use whips, wear leather, ride motorcycles, have super human
strength, climb all over walls, and know karate. Oh, and apparently they're horribly rendered CGI as well.
It was very enlightening, and I'll definitely watch my back from now on when I'm around my mom's cat.
Some of the scenes are just embarrassing to watch. Berry finds herself sleeping on a shelf above her
TV, and she likes to eat sushi and tuna fish real fast. Yeah, that's real funny. Then she hisses at some
dogs and blames it on allergies. Could someone please find me a doctor? I need someone to tend to this gut
I just busted. But I think the worst scene, the scene that Berry might possibly NEVER live down, is one where
she practically makes out with a ball of catnip. Holy oleo, Batman, how drunk did she have to be to relent to
that? I could barely watch.
And when this movie isn't being downright ridiculous then it's basically a montage of music videos. Or a
combination of both. One incredibly stupid scene involves Berry playing basketball with ol' La Bamba, um, I
mean Bratt. All they do for a couple of minutes is dance and grind on each other as the music blares. ALL
IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KIDS!!! Then Berry leaps about 10 feet, jumps over Bratt, and dunks
the ball. Considering only one or two women have ever dunked a basketball in a game, wouldn't Bratt find this
a little peculiar? Wouldn't he start to ask his agent why he let him accept this role? Wouldn't he start
looking for an out-clause in his contract?
There's another scene where the camera focuses on Berry's leather-clad butt as she saunters around sexily while
hip-hop beats fill the air. She looks great, there's no denying that, but couldn't they just have put this in
a Sir Mix-A-Lot video and saved tremendously on the budget?
If you were hoping for some bad one-liners, then you're in luck. Some of the best include...
"Then Let me try the remix."
"What a purrrrrrrfect idea."
"Cat got your tongue?"
"Oops. My bad."
"Don't I get din din first?"
"Cross your paws."
Stone: "Game over." Berry: "Guess what, it's overtime!"
And then there's probably my favorite (i.e. the worst line of the movie). Catwoman is tussling with the Lou
Diamond-wannabe, and there's a live wire swinging around. Bratt warns her about how the voltage could kill
both of 'em, so she responds with...
"I always knew there was a spark between us."
RIMSHOT! I think it's safe to say you now have enough information to decide whether or not you want to see this.
Remember though, while there is some great stuff to rip here, there are also some painfully boring scenes
you'll have to sit through. Any time Berry and Bratt are on screen together you'll have to resist the urge
to run screaming from the theater. Don't worry, just ram your head against your car one or two times after
the movie and you'll slowly forget about it.
Near the end of the movie Sharon Stoneface is talking about the new anti-aging skin product and tells
Berry that if you stop using it then your face disintegrates, but if you keep using it then your skin
becomes living marble. I wonder if the producers were smart enough to pick up on the irony of this
statement? After all, Stone looks like she's been sandblasted harder than my grandmother's marble top
kitchen counter. Unfortunately, I don't think they're that clever.
If you told me in January that Garfield would *not* be the worst movie of the
year involving CGI cats, then I would've laughed in your face. Welp, I'd be offering you an apology today.
There's really no excuse for this movie. Well, I take that back. Sharon Stone did recently have a brain
aneurysm. So Halle, what's *your* excuse?
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Ashley Judd showed rare good judgment by turning down the role of Catwoman. I guess one bad movie a year
(Twisted) is enough for her.
- Josh Lucas earned Johnny Betts' immense respect by turning down the role of Tom Lone. Smart move.
- Johnny Betts still thinks Julie Newmar and Lee Meriwether were the best versions of Catwoman. They could've
convinced him to join them in a life of crime (in movie/TV land, of course).
- Alex Borstein does the voice of Lois on Family Guy.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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There wasn't much profanity at all. In fact, I can't really remember any non-network TV language being used.
However, there was a lot of sexuality. There wasn't any nudity, but Halle Berry spent a lot of time in tight,
skimpy leather, and the camera spent a lot of time focused on her leather-clad butt. It's too sensual for
younger kids.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I have yet to find one person who thought the trailer looked good. Everybody knows the trailer makes this
movie look incredibly bad, and guess what, the trailer doesn't lie.
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THE GIST
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Catwoman is a CAT-tastrophe! It put me in a CAT-atonic state! It could really prove to be
CAT-aclysmic to Halle Berry's career! My cousin was so bored he almost took a CAT-nap!
Are you rolling your eyes and shaking your head yet? Good - point proven. Imagine 105 minutes of the
above, and you've got Catwoman. Your tolerance for really bad movies is the best judge on whether
you should sit through this. This movie is best seen by males who want to hoot and holler whenever Halle
Berry struts across the screen and then make their own jokes whenever she opens her mouth. If you love
bad movies then this is best seen in an empty theater, with plenty of rowdy friends, and only after paying
as little money as possible.
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