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Movie Review - Code Name: The Cleaner (2007)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Les Mayfield |
| Starring: |
Cedric the (non)Entertainer, Lucy Liu, Nicollette Sheridan, and Will Patton |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for sexual content, crude humor and some violence) |
| Length: |
91 minutes |
| Genre: |
Unfunny Comedy |
| Tagline: |
In a dirty world, he's our only hope. |
| Studio: |
New Line Cinema |
| Website: |
Code Name: The Cleaner |
| Release: |
January 5, 2007 |
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PLOT
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Cedric the (non)Entertainer plays Jake - an incredibly unfunny, seemingly regular guy who wakes up in a strange bed
with a cut on his head and no recollection of who he is. One unfunny thing after another occurs, leaving audiences
with a strong desire to have no recollection of this movie.
Jake finds himself smack dab in the middle of an unfunny government conspiracy. Is he an undercover agent? Who
can he really trust? Doesn't matter, and you won't care. 2007's first entry in its top ten worst list ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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I'll be perfectly honest with you - I've never much cared for Cedric the (non)Entertainer. The man makes his living
by appearing in one "Worst of [fill in year]" contender after another. And I didn't expect anything different
from a movie called Code Name: The Cleaner. But against our better judgment, Mr. Shade and I decided to go
check it out just to see how bad it was. And you know what?
"You came away surprised and with a newfound respect for the man?"
Are you crazy? No. I didn't see any way I could like him any less. Until I sat through this turdburger.
There is only one positive to be gleaned from Code Name: The Cleaner: this will give ANYBODY hope of one day
becoming a screenwriter. But that's tantamount to seeing a shiny nickel in a pile of dog poop. Like they say, sometimes
it's just best to let sleeping dog poop lie. *rim shot* Thank you, thank you.
Groan if you want, but that lame little modification of a famous saying is funnier than anything you'll find in the
movie. I promise you my 12-year-old brother could have written a funnier and more intelligent
script. With ease.
For example, take the line (which is inexplicably showcased in the beyond-horrible trailer) where Cedric
calls himself the "black Rambo." This leads to an incredibly unfunny "OK Blambo, what else?" response from Lucy
Liu (who has clearly entered anything-for-a-paycheck (AFAP) territory).
Wow. A group of adults sat down and thought "Blambo" was something funny that needed to stay in the script and be
presented on screen for the entire world to see. Well, I say we capitalize on this hilarity! If you're an aspiring
screenwriter then here are some suggestions for you to pack away for a rainy day:
"I'm the Mexican Rambo!" "OK Mambo, are you number 5?"
"I'm the Japanese Rambo!" "OK Jambo, you must rock out."
"I'm the Hispanic Rambo!" "OK Hambo, I hear you go well with eggs."
See how easy it is to write really bad dialogue? It took me approximately 1 minute to come up with those lines
and type them. I'm guessing the screenwriters of this floater didn't spend much more time than that. At
least I sure hope they didn't. Just go through the alphabet and then cast accordingly. I recommend George
Lopez or Paul Rodriguez for Hambo.
Please tell me that it's now abundantly clear that you should avoid this like a Frankie Muniz movie with the
plague (huh?). Just in case you need any more incentive then allow me to point out that the following quotes
appear in the movie:
"I'm special ops!" "Try special mops."
"I'm not a rat or a snitch. I'm not a snat or a rit!"
"I want to go to a real restaurant! One with a salad bar and free refills."
"I'm just a janitor. I don't fight crime; I fight grime."
"A sister ain't happy if her hair is nappy."
Yeah, and Johnny's demeanor ain't sunny when a movie's this unfunny. I sure hope your intelligence is as insulted
as mine. Just be thankful that I sat through this one so you wouldn't have to. Honestly folks, y'all owe me for
this one.
Welcome aboard, 2007. Here's your first "Worst of" entry. At least we've still got 12 months for things to get
better. I don't see how they can get much worse. If I somehow do see 10 worse movies than this all year
then I'll strongly consider giving up movies altogether. Life is just too valuable.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- I sincerely apologize for referencing "dog poop" twice in this review, but consider the movie and you'll realize
it is relevant.
- Director Les Mayfield is quickly establishing himself as "the Uwe Boll of comedies." He also directed my
least favorite movie of 2005 - The Man. I still love my quote from that review:
"It was Augustine who defined evil as 'the absence of the good.' Well, it's Johnny Betts who is defining
The Man as the absence of the humor."
- I really do crack myself up.
- Had I known prior to seeing the movie that "the director of The Man" was
directing this stain then I likely would have refused to go to the screening.
- WARNING!!! One of the screenwriters (George Gallo) also wrote the screenplay for The Whole
Ten Yards. If that doesn't scream "please stay at home and save your time and money" loud enough then I
simply don't know what else to tell you.
- I'm just amazed at the sheer ineptitude of pretty much everybody involved in this production. Not only
on this movie but also their track record. If I was this poor of an employee I doubt I'd be able to find
such consistent work. How much more disconnected from the real world can Hollywood be?
- Seriously, who says, "This guy directed The Man and this other guy wrote
The Whole Ten Yards? Let's hire 'em!" ??????
- I must issue an apology to Ashley Judd. I can no longer accuse her of being the worst cryer in Hollywood.
Nicollette Sheridan has easily wrestled away that title.
- Will Patton is looking really haggard and worn down in the movie. The reality that this will forever
be on his resume must have hit pretty hard.
- The clog dancing scene will easily remain one of the unfunniest scenes of the year.
- The time I was mugged by three guys downtown was funnier than this.
- No I didn't attempt to fight my attackers because one placed his hand in his jacket as if he were gonna
pull a gun if need be. That was a battle I felt best not to engage in. All they got were a few baseball
pictures I picked up from A. Schwab's for my sister's birthday.
- For a while after that I supported capital punishment for thieves. I've since softened my position. I now
consider that an offense worthy of merely life in prison without parole. I tow a hard line.
- I refuse to draw a connection between Cedric the (non)Entertainer and the legend that is Josh Brolin, so
I'll go with check-casher Lucy Liu instead. Lucy Liu was in Charlie's Angels with Sam Rockwell who was
in D.C. Smalls with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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This is so bad that I don't think this would really meet anybody's approval, but the content is such that it's not
suitable for the kids. There's a bit of profanity, crude humor, and an extended scene with Nicollette Sheridan
dancing seductively in a skimpy bra and panties.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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After watching the trailer I didn't expect to like it, and well, after watching the movie I can confirm that it was
just as stupid as I thought it'd be. If you saw the trailer and thought it looked funny then the only thing I can say
is that there must be something wrong with your thought process.
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THE GIST
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 Avoid at all costs. There's nothing more to say
and no politer way to say it.
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