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Movie Review - Crank (2006)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor |
| Starring: |
Jason Statham, Amy Smart, and Dwight Yoakam |
| Rated: |
R (for strong violence, pervasive language, sexuality, nudity and drug use) |
| Length: |
87 minutes |
| Genre: |
Action/Thriller |
| Tagline: |
Poison in his veins. Vengeance in his heart. |
| Studio: |
Lionsgate Films |
| Website: |
Crank |
| Release: |
September 1, 2006 |
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PLOT
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Jason Statham is a hitman who gets injected with some sort of powerful Chinese drug that will kill him fairly soon.
He learns the only way to fight back the effects of the drug is to keep his adrenaline and his heart a' pumpin'.
From out of nowhere, Dennis Hopper shows up and says, "Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a poison in your body. If your
heart rate drops below 50, you blow up. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!"
OK, so maybe the Dennis Hopper bit doesn't happen, but that's pretty much all you need to know about the movie.
Excess ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Crank is definitely a crowd pleaser. The audience I saw this with was laughing and clapping throughout.
If you aren't easily offended, and you love movies that thrive on absurdity, excess, and a lack of desire to be
taken seriously, then Crank will certainly entertain. And while yes, I was fairly amused, I have to
admit my disappointment.
After all the comparisons to Speed (the press kit doesn't shy away from making these proclamations), I was
expecting wall-to-wall action. For me, Speed and The Rock represent the best that 90s era action
flicks had to offer. After all the build up, I was expecting Crank to be the standard bearer for the 21st
Century. Unfortunately, it doesn't come close.
In fact, this is almost more of a comedy than it is an action movie. Sure, there are some truly funny moments,
but I wanted more balance. I really like Jason Statham (he's got charisma to spare), and one of the coolest
aspects of the guy is his ability to pull off highly-entertaining, well-choreographed fight scenes. So where were
they in this movie? Just when I thought Jason was about to open up the ol' proverbial 6-pack of Heinekicken, we'd
be given a generic gunfight instead.
I was genuinely surprised at how few big action sequences there are. A lot of the movie just consists of Statham
running around looking for something funny to say or do. Granted, I do that frequently in public in a desperate
attempt for attention, but during the movie I sat there thinking, "OK, so when is the REALLY cool stuff gonna
happen?"
Like I said, this will please plenty of people (particularly teenage boys), and I was never bored, but this just
isn't the movie I was expecting or wanting it to be. Ignore any and all claims that this will be Statham's signature
film. The Transporter (with all of its flaws) still holds that title.
Oh, and if you're easily offended then I feel obligated to issue a big warning - you can probably find more
redeeming moral qualities in Paris Hilton than you can in this movie. I'm not ashamed to admit that at times it
was a little too vulgar for my tastes. Feel free to call me a boy scout if you wanna try to be cute, but I just
think you should know that you're gonna get 80 minutes of a hitman taking drugs, having sex, chopping off body
parts, and killing people at a high rate of speed. Not your cup of noodles? Well, now you know. And if you take
your child to this then I'm calling social services. Don't think I won't.
If you do decide to go see this then I have one suggestion to make that will save you a lot of embarrassment. Yes,
the title of the movie is Crank, and yes Jason Statham is the star, but please, I beg of you - when you step
up to the ticket window do not say, "I'd like to see Jason Statham's Crank please."
I felt a little twinge in my back just now due to how far I had to reach for that joke, but I really think it
was worth it.
I might take a cue from the movie's premise and start writing my reviews in a similar style. Give myself an hour
to finish the review and if my typing drops below 80 words a minute then I die. Could prove to be pretty exciting,
and hey, maybe I can convert the idea into a movie.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Jason Statham did the majority of his own stunts in the movie, including hanging 3000 feet out of the side of a
helicopter.
- Johnny Betts did the majority of his own writing in this review. Mommy only had to help with a few of the
bigger words.
- For writer/directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, former commercial helmers making their feature debut,
Crank stemmed from their own personal desire to make a nonstop action movie. "We have A.D.D, and so do seventy
million other Americans," jokes Neveldine. "And we wanted to make a movie that was just like a video game." Adds
Taylor, "Crank is the ultimate A.D.D. movie. It’s a crazy film."
- My sister got in trouble once when she sarcastically said to my hyper little brother, "I think you have A.D.D.
or something." My brother was about eight at the time and was scared that she meant he had some terrible disease.
Mama didn't see the humor in my sister's comment.
- "With Crank we wanted to do a movie where a guy was moving, moving, moving all the time. It's like
Speed, only instead of a bus, it’s a guy. And if he slows down, he detonates," says Taylor.
- Taylor neglected to mention that that's about the only similarity Crank has with Speed.
- Crucial to the success of the filmmaking process was casting the right actor to play Chev. "He was supposed to
be a guy from L.A.," remembers Taylor. "We never saw him as a Brit. We went through so many American actors
trying to find a man that had the sort of believable toughness of those beloved actors of the 1970s—the Steve
McQueens and Roy Scheiders, the bada** dudes. And we don’t have them over here, not that way anymore."
- The above quote is proof that they've never met Josh Brolin.
- "We want people who watch Crank to just hop on and have fun, and go along for the journey," says Taylor.
"It should feel like the bullet of a gun — it just takes off and you fly with it, have fun and enjoy the
experience. It’s a video game come to life."
- Jason Statham was in Cellular with Jessica Biel who was in Summer Catch
with Brittany Murphy who is in the upcoming The Dead Girl with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with
Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Holy cow - NO! I can't express enough how this is NOT for mama, grandmama, kids, your Sunday School class, or anybody
who might be easily offended. It really pushes its R-rating - drug usage, sex, nudity, graphic violence, lots
of profanity (yes, "f" bombs) - you have been warned.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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The action didn't live up to what I was expecting.
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THE GIST
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Crank will have its audience, and it will please them greatly, but it isn't the kickstart to the action
genre that I was expecting it to be. There aren't enough spectacular action sequences to demand that it be seen
on the big screen.
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