Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBeouf) is a lowly employee at the Copy Cabana who has to beat his friends at cards in order to pay a mere portion of his rent. Rachel Holloman (Michelle Monaghan) is a divorced mom doing the best she can to support her little trombone-playing son. Or whatever instrument that was. One fateful day the two strangers are brought together by a mysterious woman who has a mission for them to complete.

They have no choice but to comply when the disembodied voice makes it clear that their lives and the lives of their families are at stake. It becomes abundantly clear that escape is no option when the woman begins manipulating the technology of everyday life to track and control their every move. What exactly is happening? Who is the woman? Why have they been chosen? And how will they find a way out? The anti-climactic answers to these questions ensue.

Folks, Eagle Eye isn't just a movie ... IT'S A WARNING! I'm serious. There is now no doubt in my mind that technology is evil, it can take on a mind of its own, and it's out to get us! You don't believe me? The other day I was fixing a baked potato, and I used the "baked potato" function on the microwave, and you know what? It didn't fully cook the potato. In the past, I've expressed my doubt that such built-in functionality would work as intended, and it's now obvious that the microwave took on a mind of its own and made me pay for my mockery with an undercooked potato.

And how about when my TV will periodically make a weird screeching sound for a few seconds? It's an obvious attempt by technology to make my brain explode. Just watch Eagle Eye. It'll tell ya. Or don't. You'll be happy you saved the time and money.

Sadly, there are plenty of people living in trailer parks, wearing cone-shaped aluminum foil hats who'll go see the film and think, "Yep. Told ya dem computers were recording our every move and would take over the world." Of course, they won't say it with such grammatical exactitude, and they'll say it with a few less teeth than I, but you get the idea.

I'll give the film credit - its action and thriller sequences are entertaining (particularly the car chase near the beginning). Unfortunately, the story is as far-fetched as Seann William Scott's Oscar chances. It unravels into a series of increasingly ridiculous implausibilities and intense eye-rolling. I can't remember which scene caused me to laugh more incredulously - the one where artificial intelligence causes a telephone wire to completely incinerate a guy or the real fear-inducer when the AI causes Shia LaBeouf's entire life history (personal info, recorded conversations, etc.) to pop up on every TV in a Circuit City.

I suppose the film's intention is for audiences to recoil in horror at the thought that this could happen to any of us, but all I could do is shake my head. This might have had an outside shot at effectiveness had it all been played tongue-in-cheek, and with a lot more humor, but nope. This is a film that takes itself pretty seriously, with writers who think they really have something important to say. Quite sad. And laughable.

Oh, and who else thinks it's time for Shia LaBeouf to alter his shtick a bit? Shia has played one character in his last three or four films, and that character is Shia LaBeouf. He makes a few sarcastic remarks, he runs around with his mouth agape and a disgruntled look on his face, and he displays exactly one emotion. It's time to try a little range, buddy. Play more than one-note, OK? I was going to make a joke about walking dangerously close to Josh Hartnett territory, but Shia's nowhere near that wooden. He's adequate here, especially given the source material, but it's the year 2008 and we deserve more than adequate!

Anyway, if you're a gullible conspiracy theorist who can be convinced that a supercomputer can force all modes of technology to respond to its every whim and it can watch and record everything we do and say and one day use that against us then perhaps Eagle Eye will grab your attention and keep it firmly in its grasp. As for me, the solid action sequences simply weren't able to overcome the dumb story and Michael Chiklis' laughably overwrought speech at the end.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a rogue toaster that I really need to keep an eye on.

• Shia LaBeouf was in Disturbia with David Morse who was in Proof of Life with Russell Crowe who was in American Gangster with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence, and for language, Eagle Eye includes one "f" bomb, a handful of G-d**ns, and a few "s" bombs. There's no nudity or sex, but I'd suggest leaving the pre-teens at home.

The trailers I saw looked pretty slick. While the film does deliver on some of the action that the trailer promised, it's just not as engaging or gripping as you may have been led to believe.

I was going to suggest saving Eagle Eye for a rental, and I suppose it'll suffice on a rainy day, but why spend the $5 when you'll be able to catch it on cable TV in a few months?