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Movie Review - The Hitcher (2007)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Dave Meyers |
| Starring: |
Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton, and Neal McDonough |
| Rated: |
R (for strong bloody violence, terror and language) |
| Length: |
83 minutes |
| Genre: |
Drama/Horror/Thriller |
| Tagline: |
Never pick up strangers. |
| Studio: |
Rogue Pictures |
| Website: |
The Hitcher |
| Release: |
January 19, 2007 |
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PLOT
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Grace Andrews (Bush) and Jim Halsey (Knighton) are a cute little college couple who are on their
way to Spring Break in Jim's sweet ride - a 1970 Oldsmobile 442. It's not as sweet as Sophia Bush and her
intoxicating dimples, but it still kicks mucho derriere.
To the shock of no one above the age of seven, their trip doesn't go as planned. Throw in a middle-of-the-night
downpour and a trenchcoat-wearin' hitchhiker (Bean) and it's B-movie horror time! Bean decides he wants to
kill them and everything else in sight, and well, they decide they want to survive. Commence with 80+ minutes
of both sides trying to achieve their goal. Another you-get-what-you-expect horror remake ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Ladies and gentlemen, I know it's only January 19th, but I present to you the funniest movie so far of 2007
- The Hitcher!
*someone whispers in Johnny's ear*
Huh? Supposed to be a thriller? Oops. Looks like someone should be embarrassed, and it ain't me.
Before I go any further, I have to answer the most important question that I know is on your mind - is this as
bad as the last screenplay of a remake screenwriter Jake Wade Wall was responsible for -
When a Stranger Calls? If you'll recall, in
my review of When a Stranger Calls (one that many are calling "the
funniest movie review of 2006") I was none-too-kind regarding Mr. Wall's foray into screenwriting.
Welp, since I'm always fair enough to give credit where credit is due, I'd like to congratulate Mr. Wall
on making a movie that doesn't suck quite as badly as his first attempt.
"Whoa, Johnny, so this was actually good?"
Wait a minute. Where did I call this "good"? No, no dear reader. The Hitcher remake is far from good,
but it is entertaining ... in a laugh-out-loud-at-its-stupidity kind of way.
For example, how can one not be expected to burst out in hysterical laughter when a cop car side-bumps another
cop car and causes it to catapult 20 feet and do a mid-air 360? Despite my cousin's inexplicable defense of
"it could happen," my old college Physics book says no, it couldn't.
Now I know I can't hold a film like this hostage to the laws of nature and believability, but there comes a point
when you just have to laugh aloud and say, "Yep, this is ridiculous." And Sophia Bush kicking, as gorgeous as
her legs may be, a bolted police van door clean off its hinges (making IT do a 360) is that point.
Well, actually, the point came well before that. But who's counting? Oh yeah, me. Sorry, but if you're
presenting a film as a thriller then can't you at least make an attempt to sell us on the concept? I know
we're dealing with the most inept police force this side of Hazzard County, but do you really expect me to
believe that Sean Bean can single-handedly take out every last member of said police force?
There's one scene where Bean is in a police van, with his hands cuffed behind his back, and he's struggling
to get the handcuffs off. The cop is staring at him the whole time but doesn't get suspicious regarding the
pained facial expressions that Bean is making. What'd he think? That Bean was taking a dump in his pants?
Oh wait, maybe he thought he was writing the script for this movie.
I'll admit that there are a few effective jump scenes, especially if you're easily scared, but it's all
by-the-book. Yes, we know a hand is about to suddenly appear in the window, but for some reason we all
jump anyway. That sort of thing. Unfortunately, it's hard to feel any real sense of terror or tension
when you're too busy laughing.
If you're in the mood for a legitimately tense, road trip thriller then there are so many better options on which
to spend your money. Joy Ride comes to mind. Or, you know, the original version of The Hitcher.
But if you're intent on seeing this then I must insist that you save it for a rental on "Bad Movie Night."
You and your friends will have 80+ minutes of material to riff on, and sometimes I suppose that's entertaining
enough.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- This is a remake of the 1986 movie by the same name. The original starred C. Thomas Howell and Rutger
Hauer.
- C. Thomas Howell can currently be seen in any number of high-quality original productions on the Sci-Fi
Channel.
- Neil McDonough might very well deserve a Golden Globe nomination for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedic Role
because his over-the-top, clichéd country sheriff portrayal is excellent for a few chuckles, particularly
when he starts slamming a phone into the wall out of "anger." Nicely played, my man, nicely played.
- Don't even get me started on the plethora of moments involving character illogic. How many of you here, if
cornered into a motel bathroom by a crazed killer, would assume that because you haven't heard the killer moving
around for about five seconds that he must be gone and it was a good time to come out? None of you? That's what
I figured.
- Anybody who is stupid enough to give a ride to someone who looks like Sean Bean wearing a long, dark
trenchcoat probably deserves whatever fate comes along with such a decision. And yes, that even includes
the same fate that C. Thomas Howell's career has suffered.
- Anybody that stupid certainly doesn't deserve to be with Sophia Bush.
- Sophia Bush is Johnny's latest Hollywood crush.
- Sophia Bush was in Learning Curves with Brett Cullen who was in The Young Riders with Josh
Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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"F" bombs and loads of gore and violence make this unacceptable for children and the easily squeamish. There's
a short, non-graphic shower scene and a shot of Sophia in her panties, but there's no nudity.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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No real surprises.
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THE GIST
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I'd be be patient and catch this one on TV if I were you. At most, it's worth about $2 of chuckles on "Bad
Movie Night."
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