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Movie Review - I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Chris Sivertson |
| Starring: |
Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, and Neal McDonough |
| Rated: |
R (for grisly violence including torture and disturbing gory images, and for sexuality, nudity and language) |
| Length: |
105 minutes |
| Genre: |
Crime/Thriller |
| Tagline: |
If you think you know the secret...Think twice. |
| Studio: |
Sony Pictures |
| Website: |
I Know Who Killed Me |
| Release: |
July 27, 2007 |
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PLOT
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Aubrey Fleming (Lohan) is a bright young woman who presumably has a promising writing career, despite the fact that the passages she reads from her story sound like Teen
Beat fan submissions. One fateful night poor Aubrey is kidnapped and tortured, not unlike the viewing audience, by a sadistic serial killer. She manages to escape, but
when she regains consciousness in the hospital she insists that her name is Dakota Moss, and she's a stripper who was raised by a drug addict. Is she suffering from amnesia?
Or is the real Aubrey Fleming still in mortal danger? You won't care, and laughter will be your only response once it's revealed what's happening. Another nail in Lohan's
career coffin ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Ladies and gentleman, 2007 has delivered what could be its finest comedy. It's not often that a film has me laughing from opening to closing credits, but I Know Who Killed Me
achieved this success. Its satirization of the thriller genre is done with such...
*Johnny is handed a slip of paper*
What? We were supposed to take this crap seriously? In that case, I am happy to report that I have a new addition to my Worst of 2007 list. Not since
A Sound of Thunder have I been so baffled by a film's mediocrity. The trailers are actually intriguing, so I
expected an engaging, suspenseful thriller, but within five minutes it felt like I was watching deleted scenes from Not Another Teen Movie. Is
the film's display of incompetence intentional? Surely no one thought they were involved in the making of a good movie.
The first warning sign is the writer's (Jeff Hammond, in what is his first, and perhaps last, screenplay) immediate violation of the "Writing 101" rule regarding the use
of symbolism. The color blue is enthusiastically crammed down our throats with no sense of tact or subtlety. Blue gloves, blue clothes, blue instruments of death, a blue
IPod, a blue ring - WE GET IT! I expected a member of the Blue Man Group to be involved in the murders. Symbols should be contextual, not randomly strewn everywhere to
serve as "clues."
Hammond wastes no time telegraphing the killer's identity and then further insults our intelligence by nudging us every step of the way. I turned to my sister, made my
prediction, and at the movie's end simply said, "Told ya." Extremely poor writing.
As I alluded to earlier, it's impossible to know when we're expected to take the film seriously. Early in the ridiculous proceedings, the body of Jennifer somebody (sorry, didn't
write the last name down) is found. The announcement of her brutal torture and dismemberment is made over the speakers at a football game. The PA asks for a moment of silence
and then in his best "wrestling announcer voice" desecrates the poor girl's memory by disrespectfully shouting, "NOW LET'S WIN ONE FOR JENNIFER!" The crowd at the game erupted in
cheers. I instinctively erupted in laughter.
Things really start cookin' when Lohan turns into the Bionic Woman. Having lost an arm and a leg (I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere about the expense of
cocaine these days) presumably at the killer's hands, Lohan receives mechanical replacements. Who explains this fine machinery to her? Crabman from My Name is
Earl! If you ever stop laughing from the thought of Crabman as a prosthetic technician then you'll be bowled over whenever Lohan uses one of her bionic
limbs. Kudos to Lohan for the slight limp with which she walked. Way to sell that bionic leg!
Did anybody see the episode of King of Queens where Deacon and his wife give Doug and Carrie a portrait and Carrie's arm looks gigantic? That's EXACTLY what Lohan's
bionic arm looks like, and I could not stop laughing at the thought. But I absolutely lost it when she had to figure out a way to break through some glass. She holds the hand up to
the camera, makes a fist (complete with goofy robotic noises), and then successfully punches through it. Hilarious.
As for the twist regarding Aubrey Fleming's identity and whether or not she's still missing, well, I don't want to officially include any spoilers in the review, but if you
want to know then feel free to email me and I'll tell you. It's one of the most laughably ridiculous "twists" I've witnessed in quite a while. It feels like something
a junior high student wrote, thinking he was clever. That must be the audience Hammond had in mind when he penned this stinker because I can't imagine any adults with a
normal number of brain cells taking this seriously.
Oh, and the acting? Ridiculously bad all around. Lohan apparently thinks "acting grown up" consists of performing a stripping routine for 10 minutes
and dropping a ton of awkwardly delivered "f" bombs. Neal McDonough continues to prove he only has one acting mode - over-the-top, and what kind of debt does Julia Ormond
owe? She goes on an acting hiatus and makes her big screen comeback with THIS? Ouch.
One of 2007's worst movies or one of its funniest? Both! I'm glad I was able to see this for free because I had a good laugh and can now warn all of you fine readers.
If you make the mistake of spending hard-earned money on this turd burger then the only thing you'll be thinking is, "I know who owes me a refund." You've been warned,
but keep Sony's contact information handy in case you don't heed it.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- I Know Who Killed Me? Well, I know what killed Lohan's career - this movie! Thank you, thank you.
- Was the beeping device on the bionic leg supposed to be a joke regarding Lohan's real-life ankle bracelet? Dunno. I don't think the film would be that clever.
- Rumor has it that Lohan has already begun work on a sequel entitled I Know What Killed Me. SPOILERS It's cocaine and alcohol.
- Lindsay Lohan was in A Prairie Home Companion with Tommy Lee Jones who is in No Country for Old Men AND In the Valley of Elah with Josh Brolin who was
in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Not even close. A plethora of "f" bombs, a sex scene, a couple of long stripper sequences, some brief nudity at the strip club, and some pretty graphic scenes of torture make this
one full of unsuitable content. If you're not a fan of watching people get their fingers and legs cut off then consider yourself warned.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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The trailer caught my interest. It makes the film look really suspenseful. WRONG! Don't be fooled.
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THE GIST
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Do not, I repeat, do NOT spend money to see this at the theater. Wait until it comes out on video, get your friends together and pitch in a dollar each, and make it a part
of your own Mystery Science Theater night. That's all it's worth.
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