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	Movie Review - Kingdom of Heaven (2005)     (What this rating means)       Director: Ridley Scott Starring: Orlando Bloom, Liam Neeson, and a bunch of British people Rated: R (for strong violence and epic warfare) Length: 145 minutes Genre: Epic/Drama/War Tagline: This Spring Orlando Bloom is Gonna Get Righteous on You Studio: 20th Century Fox Website: Kingdom of Heaven Release: May 6, 2005 PLOT Well, it's set in 1184, sometime during the Crusades. I believe that's in between the second and third Crusades, but I really don't care enough to look it up. The premise is you've got some good Crusaders, some bad Crusaders, some good Muslims, and some bad Muslims. The bad Crusaders only want wealth, women, and land. The Muslims, on the other hand, want to take over Jerusalem. Then there's Balian (Bloom), and the meat of the story lies with him. He's a young blacksmith in Jerusalem who later becomes a knight. Rather than going off to fight for wealth and fame, he decides to stay at home and protect his people from the Muslim invaders. But don't worry; both sides will be sure to act with nobility while doing so. An epic of fairly boring proportions ensues. JOHNNY'S TAKE After this movie started to drag longer than Joan Rivers' latest botched face lift, I was ready to start up a BOOOOOOOORING chant in the theater. In fact, I was pretty excited after the movie ended because I couldn't wait for us to start making our little jokes. I was ready to say, "Kingdom of Heaven, huh? More like Kingdom of BOREDOM!" I'd poke Stephanie with my elbow, and we'd all laugh hysterically. Then I'd take it one step too far and say, "Hey, nice beard, Orlando Bloom, it's almost as thick as Mr. Shade's mother's!" Then everybody would get real quiet and the uncomfortable silence would lead us back to our cars. But it wasn't meant to be. Imagine my absolute shock when Stephanie and the Shades showered the movie with praise afterwards. Mrs. Shade "loved it," Mr. Shade said everything was really good "but not great," and Stephanie painfully admitted that she thought Orlando Bloom was really good (she usually despises him and his girly ways). I was baffled. Had we all just seen the same movie? It's not a bad movie, but I did not feel any emotional attachment to the story or its characters. I was expecting a story ABOUT the Crusades, but this kind of takes place in between. You'll most likely walk out not knowing much more than you already did. OK, so it wasn't what I was expecting. But still, I wouldn't have minded if the movie told a story that I actually cared about. Orlando Bloom decides to protect his home against invaders. Whoopee. That's it? It's like watching a History Channel reenactment. A slice of history is presented to you, but you're not given much reason to root for or root against either side. It's the whole "let's offend as few people as possible" approach to filmmaking. As for Bloom? Well, he isn't bad, but he just didn't do much for me. I didn't buy him as a fearless leader and warrior. Stephanie, on the other hand, thought he was really good. Go figure. Yes, the beard made him look manlier than he was in Troy, but he still looks like a boy trying to wear men's clothing. I think one of the main problems is my ideal epics are Braveheart, The Patriot, and Gladiator. And my ideal epic heroes are Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe. So Kingdom of Heaven and Bloom immediately had the bar set pretty high, and they just didn't deliver strongly enough. This isn't even nearly as good as Troy. It's probably most similar to, and maybe a slight step behind, King Arthur. In fact, after rereading my review of King Arthur (which you're welcome to do as well), the similarities in my opinions of the two movies are quite amazing. So perhaps it has a lot to do with your expectations. Stephanie wasn't expecting to like it at all, so it greatly exceeded her expectations. Mr. Shade expected to like it and he did. I was on the fence and remained that way after the movie failed to overwhelm me. Oh well. The 145-minute runtime should be taken into consideration as well. I like a long movie if I'm really interested in the story and the characters, but this just wasn't keeping my interest. It'd grab it briefly, but then the moonlight would bask on Bloom just a little too long and my thoughts would stray. Don't get me wrong, the cinematography is beautiful, but it can only carry the movie so far. So if you're not in the mood for a really long movie, then this really isn't one that's gonna break you out of that funk. And what was up with the historical inaccuracy? I can understand taking some liberties, but there's such a thing as taking it too far. There's one scene where Princess Sibylla goes to fornicate with Bloom, and she starts philosophizing in regard to why she's come to betray her marital vows. I'm with her up to the point where she says, "I'm not here because I'm bored or wicked..." but then she completely loses me when she adds, "...I'm here because I THINK I LOVE YOU, SO WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF..." and a bunch of Crusaders break into song and dance in the background. Come on, what is this, A Knight's Tale? And then when Constantine from American Idol showed up and kicked at the camera I was totally ready to walk out of the theater. Granted, that may only be on the special screening I attended and might hit the cutting room floor before you see it. Anyway, in determining what rating to give this movie I took everybody else's opinion into consideration. Stephanie said she'd probably go with a 3.75, while Mr. Shade said a 3.5. So do I go with an even 3? Nope, I'm gonna go with a 2.75 - rental territory. Some of you may enjoy it more on the big screen, but this is one of those movies that is better watched on DVD while you can multitask - read the paper, cut your nails, wash the dishes, fold the laundry, have a tickle fight with your significant other, read the Movie Mark, things of that nature. You can stop what you're doing every now and then to watch the battle scenes, but it's really not going to hurt you to miss out on a few lines of dialogue. ODDS & ENDS Budget: $130,000,000. Good luck making that back. Orlando Bloom gained 20 pounds and grew a beard for this movie. Amazingly, it helped him to actually start to resemble a man. All characters, except Liam Neeson's Godfrey, existed in real life. Whoa, way to be historically inaccurate! King Baldwin is played by an unrecognizable Ed Norton (you'll see why), and apparently he is not an ancestor of Stephen Baldwin. Orlando Bloom was in the Lord of the Rings with Sean Astin who was in The Goonies and Into the West with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon. MAMA'S APPROVAL There's really not much here for mama to object to. Maybe some scenes of violence that you might not want really young kids to see, but other than that it's safe. TRAILER COMPARISON I wasn't overly enthusiastic after seeing the trailer, but I remained hopeful that the movie would exceed my expectations. Unfortunately, I got about what I expected. THE GIST Kingdom of Heaven is at times both entertaining and boring, but it's never emotionally gripping. Bloom gives it his smooth-chested best, but he just isn't able to carry the film on his skinny little shoulders. The story is average, the battle scenes are decent, yet not very original, and none of the characters presented enough personality or charisma to make me either love or loathe them. But I suppose there's enough here to warrant a rental or a really cheap matinee.	RETURN TO HOME PAGE Eagle Eye Righteous Kill Tropic Thunder Traitor Death Race Star Wars: Clone Wars The Dark Knight Journey to the Center of the Earth Hancock Get Smart Weekend Results: 1. Eagle Eye($29,200,000) 2. Nights in Rodanthe($13,570,000) 3. Lakeview Terrace($7,000,000) 4. Fireproof($6,514,000) 5. Burn After Reading($6,169,000)

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