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Movie Review - Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (2004)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Ted Nicolaou |
| Starring: |
Corey Feldman and Vanessa Angel |
| Rated: |
NR (premiered on Sci-Fi Channel) |
| Length: |
88 minutes too long |
| Genre: |
Comedy Horror (horredy?)/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Corey Feldman Takes a Dump and Expects You to Watch It (I made this up) |
| Studio: |
Sci-Fi Channel |
| Website: |
Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys |
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PLOT
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It is the night before Christmas Eve, and Vanessa Angel wants to use Andre Toulon's toy formula on a line of killer
toys. The demonic toys will be awakened on Christmas day and used in an attempt to somehow take over the world.
It's up to Toulon's great-nephew Robert (Feldman) to prevent this catastrophe. You don't have to be a genius to
know that counting on Corey Feldman to save the world is not a comforting thought. Heck, you don't even have to
be out of elementary school to know that. Another nail in the coffin containing Feldman's career ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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What in the world was THAT? Seriously, who is most responsible for this movie being made? Whoever it is needs
to be punched in the face, so fess up and take your beating like a man. And since I sat through the entire
thing I gladly volunteer to do the pimp-slappin'. Please? I'll even be nice and not use my fist. I'd prefer
to use my fist, but I need at least a couple of backhands to release some of my frustration.
There are probably about three people in the world who liked this movie, and by the time they finish reading
this review those three people will most likely run and ask their mamas to help them write a nasty email telling
me that no one forced me to watch this movie. And while that is true, I would like to point out that I took it
upon myself to watch the movie so that you, the reader, wouldn't have to. After all, there may be some fans of the
Puppet Master and Demonic Toys series who may be thinking of checking this out. Don't. Why not?
Glad you asked:
- Corey Feldman. This guy hasn't done anything of note in over 10 years, and this movie gives us a clear reason
why. His overacting is horrible. Sure, this movie doesn't take itself too seriously, but come on. Watching Feldman
talk like some sort of evil scientist wannabe who sounds like he has done nothing but smoke unfiltered cigarettes
his entire life is about as bad as watching Dustin Diamond in the year 2000 trying to sound like Screech from
1989.
Plus, Feldman is sportin' some weird bluish gray hair to make it look like he is old enough to have a daughter
who looks almost older than he. It looked like a wig, but I'm not 100% sure on that. However, I am 100% sure
that it looked stupid. I'd also like to add that if there were an award for "Worst Running Scene" in a movie, then
he'd win it easily. You can't outrun a 2-foot doll? I know you're not much taller than that, but please.
- Feldman's not the only bad actor in the group. These people deliver their lines as if they're reading them
from a staticky teleprompter. The female cop (Silvia Suvadova) is the worst. "Mr. TouLON. Have you. Ever.
Been. Admitted To. A mental. health. FACILITY?" She's got pretty eyes, so maybe she should stick to
modeling.
- The special effects are some of the worst I've ever seen, and I've seen PLENTY of bad movies. I've never
seen any of the other Puppet Master or Demonic Toys movies, but I don't see how they could be
worse than this. There is one scene where the "puppets" attack some would-be robbers, and the effects basically
consist of the robbers holding the toys up to their necks and shaking them around to make it look like the toys
are actually attacking. I could do more with Barbie dolls and dental floss.
- The cheesy one-liners aren't cheesy enough to really be all that funny. Maybe I'm just getting too mature
as I near the twilight of my 20s, but a baby doll farting loses its humor and originality after about the 12th
time in a single movie. You think I'm kidding? Baby Oopsy is frequently breaking ye olde wind and following up
with such commentary as, "Ahhh, 100% pure brimstone." And of course there is the time good ol' Baby Oopsy
rips one and uses that to propel himself onto Feldman's head and knock him down. I was absolutely shocked
that nobody said, "Hey, Baby Oopsy just CATA-POOTED himself onto Toulon!" Believe me when I say that would've
actually been one of the best lines in the movie had it been used.
What more can I say? Near the end of the movie, when Stephanie, the Shades, my sister, and I were all
dumbfounded at what we were watching, and God was actually being invoked to put us out of our misery, I
said out loud, "I can't believe that we're in the year 2004 and crap like this is still being made."
That pretty much sums it up.
What this movie was really missing was a cameo appearance by yours truly, Johnny Betts. Picture the scene...
I'm a bad guy working alongside the lovely Vanessa Angel. I show up at the Toulon Doll Hospital wearing my leather
jacket and sunglasses. As I slowly walk up to Feldman (as he works on his little puppets), he makes a comment about
how we'll never succeed in stealing his formula and using it for evil. He would prevail!
I pause for a few seconds, slowly remove the cool guy toothpick from my mouth and reply, "Dream a little
dream, Donatello. Play time's over. The only puppeTEARS around here will be the ones coming from your face!"
Then, before he has time to react to my awesomely bad line, I flick my toothpick in his face. The camera
focuses in on the toothpick swirling around in slow motion. As Feldman raises his arms to block the
toothpick, I slap a kimura (a jiu jitsu move) on him until he passes out. Then I steal the formula, light
the doll hospital on fire, and then you see a huge explosion behind me as I walk away without flinching. Man
that'd have been awesome.
For those of you having trouble following along, a "puppeteer" is someone who manipulates puppets. It's another
word for "puppet master." Just wanted to make sure everybody realized the genius in my beautifully bad pun.
So all in all, I'd have to say there's more artistic value in the aftermath of Corey Feldman's latest bathroom
break than in this, his latest movie. Did I expect much? Not really, but man, I expected something a little
more palatable than what was served.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to rack myself a couple of times to see if I can somehow remove this movie from
my memory. Pouring alcohol directly into the pupils didn't work as planned, so I'm being forced to pull out all
the stops.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Traci Lords was supposed to star in the movie, but studio and budget conflicts forced her to back out.
- Rumors of this movie started as early as 1993. Apparently as an homage to the rumor origins, all special
effects were made to look like they were pre-1993.
- This is one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time.
- For whom does the bell toll? That question can now be answered in three simple words: "Corey Feldman's
career."
- Corey Feldman was in The Goonies with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Why bother? Does this really meet anybody's approval? It went straight to Sci-Fi, so the language isn't
anything you haven't heard on primetime television. There are some crude jokes, as well as some sexual
innuendo, so it's not the most uplifting movie for children to watch.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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The trailer made the movie look really bad. But I sure thought it'd be bad in a good way.
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THE GIST
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I can't believe that we're in the year 2004 and crap like this is still being made. It doesn't even work on a
"so bad it's entertaining" level. Sure, there are a few laughs to be had at this movie's expense, but it's
certainly not worth an hour and a half of your time.
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