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Movie Review - See No Evil (2006)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Gregory Dark |
| Starring: |
Kane, and a bunch of people I've never heard of |
| Rated: |
R (for strong gruesome violence and gore throughout, language, sexual content and some drug use) |
| Length: |
100 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/Slasher |
| Tagline: |
Eight Teens, One Weekend, One Serial Killer. |
| Studio: |
Lions Gate Films |
| Website: |
See No Evil |
| Release: |
May 19, 2006 |
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PLOT
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A group of annoying delinquents are sent to clean the Blackwell Hotel which has been abandoned for a mere 35 years.
In what can only be described as a coincidence, the likes of which are only found in bad, low-budget horror movies,
a psychopath named Jacob Goodnight (Kane) is living in the hotel. As I sincerely hope you have guessed by now, Kane
sets out to kill all the kids. There's also some backstory about his childhood and how he got this way, but nobody
paying to see this is gonna care. Kane ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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All right, let's be realistic about this. Nobody goes into a movie produced by WWE Films (whose owner has
challenged God to a wrestling match), directed by a former porn director (the man gave the world the Between the
Cheeks trilogy), starring a wrestler named Kane, and expects a little slice of art on a golden platter. If you
do then you probably need to find something other than watching movies to occupy your time.
So what exactly are we to expect from a movie like this? Well, here's what I was looking forward to:
- Bad acting.
- A fairly non-existent, clichéd storyline.
- Kane walking around with a scrunched, sour face that indicates his nostrils just found the potato salad he
misplaced a month ago.
- Tons and tons of gore.
Well, if you're hungry for some "so bad it's funny" entertainment then this might satisfy your appetite because
it delivers on all counts.
Obviously, movies like this are best seen for free, but if you do choose to sacrifice box office bucks then have
some fun and make a game out of it. The filmmakers are nice enough to introduce us to each of the annoying
delinquents by flashing their names and legal offenses on the screen. This makes it easier for you to
write down which ones you want to see killed and in what order. You and your friends can see whose predictions
are most accurate.
I also suggest that you and your pals write down every single moment of stupidity and inanity that you
can find. Tally them up at the end and see who comes up with the most. I think my grand total was 107; can you
beat that? I personally want to know how after 35 years and a fire does this abandoned hotel still have
electricity, running water, and a working elevator?
I know, I know, the filmmakers are assuming that if you pay to see this then you obviously don't put much thought
into what you spend your money on and therefore likely won't put much thought into how silly the movie is, but that
doesn't mean we can't point it out and laugh at it.
I also like how the city wants to turn this huge hotel (which would be condemned and recommended for demolition by
any sensible inspector) into a homeless shelter and they think the best way to get it cleaned up is to give eight
punks a few mops and brooms. Uh-huh.
I think you pretty much know what to expect, but I feel the need to provide you with a couple of warnings. First,
if you hate crowd interaction no matter the movie then you might want to stay away. The people in the audience
acted like they were at an actual wrestling show. Shouts of "Kill him, Kane!" and "I hope you die first!" and
"Chokeslam!" echoed through the theater, showcasing what I hope is NOT the best of what America has to offer.
I usually don't appreciate such audience interaction, but for a cheesefest like this I thought the commentary
added to the entertainment value. However, I can see how others could be annoyed by it.
Second, and this shouldn't even warrant explanation, the film doesn't shy away from the gore. If watching a big
ugly dude rip eyeballs right out of their sockets doesn't scream "fun night at the movies!" for ya then you know
good and well to save your dough.
I must say that I was a little surprised by the extreme lack of dialogue on Kane's part. I wasn't expecting him to
put on an acting clinic, but I was hoping he'd have some cute little catchphrase like "Say goodnight" (his
character's last name is "Goodnight") right before he killed a victim. Instead he uttered four words in the
entire film - "Nooooooo!" and "I see it." But hey, he delivered them flawlessly!
If I were a bad guy in a movie then my catchphrase would be something like "Place your BETTS!" or "All BETTS are
off!" It'd rule and you know it.
We need a new genre term for bad horror films like See No Evil that induce so much unintentional laughter
that you almost have to label them comedic. Feel free to send me your suggestions. For now we'll just call 'em
HOR-larious!
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Yeah, not really feeling inspired to find any cute odds and ends for this one.
- Rachael Taylor was in Man-Thing with Jack Thompson who was in Star Wars II: Attack of the
Clones with Ewan McGregor who was in Nightwatch with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with
Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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If you're waitin' for mama's approval then you're doing nothing but waiting on futility. Profanity is high ("f"
bombs), there's a little nudity (we see one gal's boo-tay as she takes a shower in the hotel defying the fact
that there should not be any running water), and gore is extreme. If you plan on taking your pre-teens to this
one then just go ahead and drop them off at social services and save me the trouble of calling them.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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Delivers pretty much what you expect.
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THE GIST
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Surprise, surprise - See No Evil is a typical slasher flick that mixes dark corridors, flashlights, loud rap
music, and blood in such a way that you'll either be highly annoyed or laughing your twisted head right off.
You're gonna get exactly what you're paying for, so there shouldn't be any real reason to complain.
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