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Movie Review - The Stepford Wives
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Frank Oz |
| Starring: |
Nicole Kidman, Matthew Broderick, Bette Midler, Christopher Walken, and Glenn Close |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for sexual content, thematic material and language) |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Comedy/Drama/Thriller (although none really apply) |
| Website: |
The Stepford Wives |
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PLOT
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When Joanna Eberhart (Kidman) loses her job as president of a TV Network, she and her husband Walter
(Broderick) move to the sterile community of Stepford, Connecticut. It's a community where the men hang
out at the Stepford Men's Association, the women hang out at the Stepford Day Spa, and everything seems
just a little too perfect. What exactly is going on here? Why is everybody acting so strange? Why
should the movie audience care? Crap ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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I have a confession to make. I wasn't very excited about seeing this movie. Nothing about it really
grabbed my interest. But I decided to watch it with an open mind and give it a fair chance to win me
over. After seeing it, I must admit that it far exceeded my expectations ... OF CRAPPINESS!!!
Unbelievable. This movie does nothing but leave me with several questions: Why was it made?
Seriously, what is the point of the movie? Social commentary? Let me see, there's no such thing as
a perfect world, right? There, I just summed it up for you and saved you the price of a movie ticket.
No need to thank me.
What was Nicole Kidman thinking? Did she read the script before she signed on? It's one of the
stupidest movies I've ever seen on the big screen, and folks, I've seen a LOT of movies on the big
screen. Everything about it is just very, very lame. It's one of those movies where you're embarrassed
for everybody on screen, and you're embarrassed to be in the audience. It's hard to know what to say
because I'm just baffled by the whole thing.
Even more baffling is that a lot of the audience was laughing during the movie. AT WHAT?!?!?! What,
pray tell, is so funny about lines such as "I didn't marry something from Radio Shack"? NOTHING! So
why was the audience laughing?? What's so funny about a CGI robot dog falling down the stairs? NOTHING!
So why did I hear some guy laughing so hard that I thought for sure he was coughing up a whole Auntie
Anne soft pretzel? I don't get it.
Story wise, this movie is all over the place. Does it want to be a comedy? Well, it fails because I
refuse to laugh at Bette Midler wearing fake antlers. I heard it was supposed to be somewhat of a dark
comedy, but it's nowhere near edgy enough to qualify. In fact, it's nowhere near the edge of anything.
It's resting comfortably in a barcalounger in Topeka, KS. Sorry, but mocking reality television just
doesn't cut it anymore.
Is it supposed to be an emotional drama? There were some long stretches of Nicole Kidman and
Matthew Broderick sharing their feelings, but the only emotion I was feeling was one of sheer sadness
because I realized valuable moments of my life were frittering away, never to be seen again. Wow, Kidman
loves Broderick because of a dance he does when he wins computer chess. Where's a remote when you need
it? Seriously, I had not one iota of interest in a single character.
I guess in the case of fairness, I should point out that I don't like Glenn Close, Matthew Broderick, or
Bette Midler, and this movie only reminded me why. Glenn Close was absolutely annoying (especially in
the totally unfunny exercise scene), and, I'm not *trying* to be mean, but she looked like a witch. I
suppose women over the age of 50 might laugh at Close swiveling her hips and singing "chooga chooga chooga,"
but I failed to crack a smile.
Bette Midler (who I initially mistook for Whoopi Goldberg) did nothing but make me pray for her character's
imminent death. So she fancies herself a "Jew with an attitude" who writes books about her mother called, "I
Love You, But Please Die"? If y'all will excuse me, I've gotta go see a doctor to tend to my busted gut. Let
me try to make this perfectly clear. There is one scene where Nicole Kidman is about to catch on that some of the
women are robots (which is a major plot hole when compared to the tagged-on-at-the-last-second ending)
and makes a comment about how sparks were coming out of her ears. Some gay dude replies, and I'm paraphrasing,
"That's a sure sign of bad jewelry." The audience howled with laughter. I sighed, shook my head, and asked
God why He was doing this to me. Which reaction do you more relate to? Use that as a guide to decide whether
or not to see the movie.
And Matthew Broderick? Well, he continued his transformation into Jerry Mathers and offered no sign that he
has an ounce of coolness or testosterone in him. So basically, he's been typecast. Even Christopher "I'll
Appear in Any Crap I'm Paid For These Days" Walken didn't do anything of note except make you think to
yourself, "Kangaroo Jack, Gigli, and now this? Ouch."
I've never seen the original movie, and I'm really not moving mountains to clear my schedule to do that,
but I heard it was a thriller. It appears this movie makes a stab at providing a few thrills, but it
just doesn't work. Is the audience actually supposed to think it's a big mystery as to what's going on
in town? Are we actually supposed to be surprised at the "twist" near the end of the movie? I don't
know. There isn't anything shocking or surprising about the movie, but it sure feels like we're supposed
to think there is.
Welp, I've wasted enough of my life dwelling on this. If I had to do it all over again, then I'd
choose not to see it. Not even for free. I thought it was equally as bad as (and maybe even worse than)
last year's "Legally Blonde 2."
"Come on, Johnny. Can't you say anything nice about the movie?"
Hmmm. Not really. I smiled and/or chuckled maybe two or three times although I can't even recall what it
was that made me smile. There was a joke about AOL that was kind of funny. Um, and Nicole Kidman looks
kind of cute with jet-black hair. At least it lasted only 90 minutes? And, uh, John and Joan Cusack
are very smart for dropping out of this movie. Oh, I will say that "The Stepford Wives" actually does a
good job of showing us that there really is no such thing as a perfect world. If there were, then movies
like this wouldn't be made.
If you wanna yell and scream at me for blasting this movie, then go ahead. I'm sure it'll have a fan
base. For some reason, Bette Midler has a fan base, so I have no doubt this movie will as well. But
it sure doesn't include anybody by the name of Johnny Betts. And if it does, then I'm gonna ask him to
change his name.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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There are a couple of sexually related jokes that parents might be (and should be) embarrassed
to let their children hear. But other than that, the content isn't too edgy. Profanity isn't
that bad, but there's no way kids will want to sit through this. Oh, and real men won't care to sit
through it either.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I watched the trailer and thought, "Hmm, that doesn't really look all that good, but I guess it could
surprise me." Oh it surprised me all right. I was surprised that it was *this* bad. If you think the
trailer is absolutely hilarious then I feel sorry for you, but I guess you might enjoy the movie.
However, if you watch the trailer and have *any* reservations at all about the movie then trust your
instinct and AVOID IT!
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THE GIST
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"The Stepford Wives" is an unfunny, unemotional, non-thrilling movie that really offers nothing of
interest to the casual viewer. If you're moved to laughter by Bette Midler making weasel faces or Glenn
Close acting super-fake and super-annoying, then you might enjoy this, although I have no clue why.
It's a hard movie to define. It's not what I'd typically label a "chick flick," but its target audience
is definitely women. More like a "chicks-over-forty flick." Guys, avoid this at all costs. And ladies,
please don't force your man to see this one. He won't forgive you. Trust me. I still haven't forgiven
myself for getting a free pass to the advanced screening.
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