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Movie Review - Syriana (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Stephen Gaghan |
| Starring: |
George Clooney, Chris Cooper, Matt Damon, and Amanda Peet |
| Rated: |
R (for violence and language) |
| Length: |
126 minutes |
| Genre: |
Boring Drama |
| Tagline: |
Everything is connected |
| Studio: |
Warner Bros. |
| Website: |
Syriana |
| Release: |
December 9, 2005 |
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PLOT
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A boring school-like lecture about the oil industry and those personally involved in and affected by it ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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"Corruption is our protection. Corruption keeps us safe and warm. Corruption is why you and I are prancing
around in here instead of fighting over scraps of meat out in the street. Corruption ... is why we win."
Is Danny Dalton (Tim Blake Nelson), one of several uninteresting characters in this epic snoozefest, referring
to the oil industry or the industry that produced the very misleading ads for Syriana? I'll give 'em
credit - they put together a very intriguing trailer. I walked into the theater expecting a fast-paced, engaging,
nail-biting, possibly controversial thriller. I walked out of the theater wondering if I could actually sue a
movie studio for the worst case of false advertisement I've witnessed this year.
I already gave this movie two hours of my life, and I really don't feel like giving it much more, so I'll make this
short and sweet: I'd buy Kevin Federline's (what up, K-Fed?) upcoming CD before I ever sat through Syriana
again. I know - ouch.
Why did I loathe the movie so much? Well, the absence of a discernible story certainly didn't help. The movie
basically tells us that the oil industry and everybody involved with it are corrupt and all about money. However,
it doesn't bother to tell us this in any sort of interesting or engaging manner.
Instead, it bounces around five or six different storylines (there's no way I'm going to the trouble of
figuring out the exact number), each as boring as the others, in an effort to convince us that just because it's
complex means it's intelligent. It is not. The convoluted storytelling never finds a flow or rhythm, and it will
never find your interest. Rather than serving to engage your mind, it serves to force your indifference. It's
quite ironic that the movie's tagline is "Everything is connected" when in fact none of the storylines have any
real connection to each other (they barely intersect at all), and they certainly don't connect to form one
cohesive story.
Characters are introduced but relationships are never realized. "Hey, let's show that Clooney has a son who is
somewhat neglected, but let's just drop the subject and not go anywhere with it!" "Hey, black dude lawyer has
conflicts with his alcoholic father. Should we show any sort of resolution? Nah, we have 20 other unemotional
characters to brush over with a broad stroke." Congratulations, Syriana, you continually found ways to
make me care less and less about new characters and subplots.
This is the first movie this year where I actually became detached and just stopped paying attention. At one
point I hopelessly stared at the theater's ceiling and wondered, "What's up with the holes in the
ceiling? Did somebody throw pens up there or something?" I'm not joking. The worst moment came when I looked
at my watched and it was only 8:45 PM. An hour later when I looked at my watch again it was only 9:00 PM. I could
have cried. I would have walked out of the movie if I didn't feel I had to sit through the whole thing in order
for my review to have 100% integrity. Consider this an example of me takin' one for the team (you baseball fans
know what I'm talking about).
I didn't lose interest so quickly because the movie was too complex for me to follow; it was because I just didn't
care. Neither the "story" nor the unemotional characters gave me any reason to invest my interest. Clooney
couldn't have given a more wooden, monotone performance if he was playing the lead role in The Josh Hartnett
Story. If all these so-called "big name" actors are going to sleepwalk on the screen then why should I invest
myself?
I have no trouble declaring to you, without stutter or stammer, that this is flat-out the dullest movie of the year.
It's not intelligent, it's not thought-provoking, it's not engaging, it's not even controversial. It's just ...
there. Plodding along with no real focus. I expected this film to be a one-sided affair, but I didn't
expect it to side with boredom!
You read that right - the film can't even figure out a way to offend people who might disagree with its
conspiracy-minded stance. About the only thing the movie will offend is your budgetary sense once you realize
that your time and money have been wasted, never to be seen again.
I suppose watching the smug George Clooney being tortured provided me with a little perverse joy, even if it was
only a fictional beating. But man, I couldn't even enjoy that scene fully because while his fingernails were being
pulled out all I could think about was that's how it felt to be sitting through this two hour cure for
insomnia.
Not to sound arrogant, but I sure envy y'all having a reviewer like me that you trust to warn you against seeing
mind-numbing bores like Syriana. I wish I had been warned.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- I have no interest in finding any Odds & Ends for this waste of my time.
- Tim Blake Nelson was in Dead Man's Walk with Keith Carradine who was in Into the West with Josh
Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Quite a bit of profanity, a couple of scenes of violence, and gratuitous boredom make this unsuitable for mama.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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This is the most misleading trailer of the year. After watching the trailer you'll expect a fast-paced
political thriller. After watching the movie you'll realize you got the opposite of your expectations.
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THE GIST
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My recommendation is to avoid this one completely unless you have insomnia. The price of the movie ticket will
be less than the price of seeing a doctor about your condition.
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