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Movie Review - Torque
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Joseph Kahn |
| Starring: |
Martin Henderson, Ice Cube, Monet Mazur, Jaime Pressly |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (violence, sexuality, language, drug references, crappy movie making) |
| Length: |
81 minutes |
| Genre: |
Action/Bad Movie |
| Website: |
Torque |
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PLOT
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This is ridiculous, but here goes: Cary Ford (Martin Henderson) is a biker. An old rival biker frames him for
the murder of Trey's (Ice Cube) brother. If your IQ is in the 5th percentile or above, then you've already
figured out that Trey is also a member of a biker gang. In fact, he's the leader. Ford now has to try to clear
his name before Trey and his gang find him and "set things straight." Bikes, babes, and bull crap ensue.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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"If you're looking for trouble you came to the right place."
"Lucky for you, I'm running a 2-for-1 special."
"Can I get fries with that?"
Ladies and gentlemen, it's dialogue like that that helped me make the decision to become a movie reviewer.
This is a bad movie folks, but if you like movies that are laughably bad, then this one should make you
happy. Plot? I've seen more cohesiveness in the bathroom aftermath of a $10 Taco Bell binge. Dialogue?
Cheesy one-liner heaven. Stunts? I've seen Wile E. Coyote pull off more believable stuff. You've got
motorcycles jumping on trains, riding on the front wheel, and chasing each other at what looks to be about
400 mph (using the ever-so-hip warped speed effect). It's one eye rolling action sequence after another.
You wanna know how bad the movie is? Let me break it down:
Our hero, Cary Ford (doing his best Tom Cruise/Josh Lucas impersonation) and his biker friends dress
like Power Rangers. Who is going to be scared of bikers wearing red, green, and yellow leather?
Henry (Matt Schulze, "The Fast and the Furious"), the main bad guy, has the absolute WORST mullet I have
ever seen on the big screen. I dare you to find one that's worse. I'm not kidding, if the hairdos of Sinéad
O'Connor and Billy Ray Cyrus had a deformed lovechild it'd be Henry's mullet.
Just to make Henry more annoying, he was required to spend the entire movie talking in your typical D-movie
husky bad guy voice. Imagine Alec Baldwin talking while constipated. Now imagine playing that in slow motion.
You now have an idea of how Henry sounded.
Gangs had such original names as the "Reapers" and the "Hellions." I'm gonna get a couple of friends
together, and we're gonna call ourselves names like Venom, Scorpion, and Snake, and I think we'll be the
Razors. It's gonna rule.
We're supposed to think closing your cell phone with your head makes you tough. I'm just glad to know
that it's now socially acceptable for tough-as-nails motorcycle gang leaders to use cell phones. That's a
barrier whose breaking has been long overdue.
Ford mumbles through lines like, "I'd rather be fast than invisible" when explaining
why he'd rather ride than hide from the gang that's trying to kill him. Yeah, because that makes sense?
The FBI agents in this movie are laughable. The chick wants to be Jada Pinkett Smith so bad you can just
feel her pain. And McPherson? Was this guy supposed to be a cartoon character? Oh, and you know who played him?
ADAM SCOTT! I'm sure no one has ever heard of him, but during the movie I leaned over and asked Stephanie, "Isn't
that the guy from 'Party of Five' who played Claudia's boyfriend? You know, the rock and roll dude who mentioned
rummaging through John Fogerty's garbage for a guitar string?" It turns out I was right! And you know, I'm just a
little too eager to share that with y'all.
Ice Cube delivered every single one of his lines with a snarl and his lip curled up to his eyebrow.
I could go on, but I think you know what to expect.
There actually was one clever moment in the movie. Ford and his ex-girlfriend (Monet Mazur) were having some
sort of worthless discussion, and Ford ended with, "I live my life a quarter mile at a time." Many of you may
recognize that as one of Vin Diesel's lines from "The Fast and the Furious." I started to think, "Holy cow, they
just stole a line from TF&TF?" but then Mazur's character (Shane, yes, it's a girl) replied with, "That's the
dumbest thing I've ever heard." I was actually shocked that they did something clever.
If you want to compare "Torque" to other movies in its genre, well, "Torque" makes "The Fast and The Furious"
(which I enjoyed quite a bit) look like an Oscar winner. I take that back, it makes "2 Fast 2 Furious" look
like an Oscar winner! Oh, and if you've seen a poster of "Torque," then you've probably seen "From the producer
of The Fast and The Furious, XXX And S.W.A.T." in big red letters near the bottom. I think it's a pretty safe bet
that you won't be seeing "From the producer of Torque" on any posters any time soon.
In all fairness, I don't think the people behind "Torque" were trying to make a good movie. At least I sure hope
they weren't. The entire movie has such a cartoonish feel that you have to assume that they said to themselves,
"Let's cheese this up as much as possible, have fun forcing the critics to sit through this, and make some cash."
I kept expecting one of the good guy bikers to beat up a bad guy biker and then look into the camera, remark,
"Stick a TORQUE in him, he's done," wink, and then ride off into the sunset. You know what's really sad? That
would've actually been one of the better lines in the movie. If nothing else, movies like this give fledgling
writers everywhere a glimmer of hope.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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My mom's not the type of person who gets the humor in cheesy movies like this, so she'd never forgive me if
I forced her to sit through this one. Profanity's about what you'd expect in something like this (1 "f" word
and 15 "s" words being the most extreme), and there are quite a few shots of women showing cleavage in small
tops and booty cheekage in tight shorts. Definitely not for the younger kids or the senior citizens.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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When I originally saw the trailer for this movie I told my friend, "Well, I'll probably see it if they have
a free screening. Looks like it might be good review material." Boy was I right! The movie is actually
cheesier than the trailer would lead you to believe! Take that for what it's worth.
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THE GIST
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Throw this one into the "so bad it's entertaining" category. If you don't like to make fun of really bad movies,
and if you don't like to laugh at incredibly cheesy one-liners, and if you don't find humor in
making fun of people with horrible mullets, then don't bother with "Torque." But if the above sounds good to
you, then I recommend seeing this with at least 4 people and spending as little money on it as possible. If you
see it with only two people then you run the risk of the other person falling asleep, and this isn't a movie you
want to watch by yourself.
You know how when someone at work says and/or does something stupid? You laugh and can't wait to tell your
friends about it, right? Well, consider "Torque" that stupid coworker.
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