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Movie Review - Turistas (2006)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
John Stockwell |
| Starring: |
Josh Duhamel, Melissa George, Olivia Wilde, Desmond Askew, and Beau Garrett |
| Rated: |
R (for strong graphic violence and disturbing content, sexuality, nudity, drug use and language) |
| Length: |
89 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror |
| Tagline: |
Go Home. |
| Studio: |
Fox Atomic |
| Website: |
Turistas |
| Release: |
December 1, 2006 |
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PLOT
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Brazil. Normally known for its beautiful women, pristine beaches, and open culture, it's about to be known
for being the subject of a movie that a lot of Brazilians will boycott because of the portrayal of their
homeland. Trust me; I've already heard the outcries due to fears of diminished tourism.
Alex (Duhamel) is forced by his mother to accompany his sister (Wilde) and her best friend (Garrett) for
a trip abroad. On the way to their destination, their bus driver pulls a Daniel Baldwin and drives
recklessly along the mountainside road until he loses control. The bus dangles precariously on the edge,
giving everybody JUST ENOUGH time to jump out before it hurdles to the earth below.
Facing a 10-hour wait for the next low-budget bus to pick them up, our main cast meets fortune in the
form of a cabana bar on the nearby beach. They spend an inordinate amount of screen time drinking and
dancing until they find themselves drugged and minus all their possessions the next morning.
They head to town looking for their belongings and a way home, but what they find is a nightmare that
they must now try to survive. Run-of-the-mill gore-or (I'm coining the term) ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Turistas' tagline reads "Go Home." Is this actually a warning from the filmmakers? God speaking
through a movie poster? Seriously, when you're delivering a movie that's so painfully average that it
makes Janeane Garofalo feel special, and you slap a warning like "Go Home" on the poster, well, you
might just get what you've bargained for. I encourage you, dear reader, to indeed take this as a
sign. In fact, I'll go one step further and give you my own tagline - "Stay Home." Nothing says "no
need to see on the big screen" more than a genre clone like this.
I know my comments won't sit well with the studio, but since when is it my job to make excuses for their
mediocre movies? Hey Fox, if my words sting then I have one suggestion - hire me to write your screenplays.
Until then you can expect me to call you out on your incompetence.
What does it have to offer? Horror (gore-or) with absolutely no story? Thanks, but I already saw
When a Stranger Calls. How about a big ol' slice of
predictability? I mean, we can't have too many movies where a group of hot 20-somethings get lost in
a foreign locale and must fight for their lives, right? Wrong. Oooh, well surely the ridiculously
anti-climactic ending is worth $8 a pop, huh?
You know it isn't. To be fair, the movie isn't unwatchable. It trumps horror-for-teens flicks such
as the aforementioned When a Stranger Calls (rumor has it
that somebody involved in that production didn't care much for my review), and it has some good moments
of tension - particularly the suffocating underwater chase scene. But it just doesn't offer anything
new or innovative.
As for the acting, well, for the most part the girls acted with their bikini-clad bottoms. John
Stockwell's camera focused more on the ladies' derrieres than it did on their facial or vocal
expressions, so I think you know exactly what's being delivered. Now I know some of you might think
this is exploitative, but looking at it rationally - the girls were robbed, right? I think Stockwell
wants us to realize that it'd be ridiculous for them to find pants in the jungle or something, so he's
just doing it for the story's dignity. Riiiiight.
Oh yeah, the actors. Well, the film has certainly established that Josh Duhamel ain't much of one. I
wouldn't recommend that he start clearing shelf space for any acting awards he might be longing for. He
possesses all the chemistry and personality of Carson Daly. In other words - none. No apologies to all
four of the inexplicable Carson fans out there.
Focusing more of gross-out value than legitimate scares, Turistas is about as good an example of
"save it for a rental" as you can find, but if you like to watch graphic depictions of organ removal, with all
the accompanying squishing sounds, then knock yourself out. That way you'll be unconscious and won't be able
to watch the movie and regret it later.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Melissa George bears a strong resemblance to Olivia d'Abo of The Wonder Years fame.
- Will this hurt Brazil's tourism? Well, after the movie I did overhear a woman say, "So much for
Brazil. I always wanted to go, but that does it for me." But I doubt it's going to detract anybody who
had serious plans and desire to go. It's just a movie, folks.
- Melissa George was in The Amityville Horror with Ryan Reynolds
who was in Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place with Traylor Howard who was in
Son of the Mask with Jamie Kennedy who was in Scream with
David Arquette who was in Road Killers with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin
Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Let's see; we got topless chicks, chicks in bikinis for the majority of the movie, organs being removed
from bodies, fingers getting chopped off, people falling off cliffs, people getting shot and stabbed,
"f" bombs exploding all over the place - you do the math.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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The trailer doesn't really hide or reveal any major surprises. Actually, it's basically a spoiler-free,
gore-free, 2 1/2 minute version of the movie and tells you all you need to know. You might want to just
watch it in lieu of the full film.
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THE GIST
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Turistas is about as routine and unspectacular as it gets. Nothing in it is overly bad, but
nothing stands out either. Save it for a rental at best.
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