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Movie Review - xXx: State of the Union (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Lee Tamahori |
| Starring: |
Ice Cube, Willem Dafoe, Samuel L. Jackson, and Scott Speedman |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for sequences of intense action violence and some language) |
| Length: |
101 minutes |
| Genre: |
Action |
| Tagline: |
Prepare for the next level |
| Studio: |
Sony Pictures |
| Website: |
XXX: State of the Union |
| Release: |
April 29, 2005 |
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PLOT
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Oh goodness, here we go. Willem Dafoe is the Secretary of Defense who also serves as the evil,
Cheshire Cat petting villain of the movie. He has a plan to kill the President and Vice President and
blah blah blah so that he can become President. Yeah, that wouldn't cause suspicion. Samuel L. Jackson
decides to bust Ice Cube out of jail to foil this plan. Things blow up, bad lines get tossed around, and
Ice Cube does his best to showcase the exact opposite of screen presence. Absurdity ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Loud. Obnoxious. Annoying. Lacking originality. All words to describe Chris Tucker. Or Paula Abdul.
But they also do a nice job of summarizing the celluloid floater known as xXx: State of the Union.
But what do you expect when you replace the muscular Vin Diesel with Chubby McFlabbyButt (aka Ice Cube)?
Vin Diesel is a deep-voiced, chiseled action star who I can actually believe kicking massive amounts of
buttock. Ice Cube, on the other hand, merely has massive amounts of buttock. They're not interchangeable.
Cube is the pudgy guy in high school who would walk around curling his lip and talking in such a way that
he never pronounced consonants at the end of words, all in a failed attempt to appear tough. Everybody
would just laugh at him and recommend that he purchase "Hooked on Phonics." As such, Cube is one of the
least charismatic, least effective, and least convincing action heroes that I've seen in a long, long time.
And you just have to love the generic action star name they give him - Darius Stone. Why not just call him
Rock Gibraltar? I heard a rumor that they were considering Buff McLargeHuge, but they were worried MST3K
would accuse them of copyright infringement.
Plus, Buff wouldn't really be an accurate description of this rotund rapper. There's a reason we don't get a
shirtless Ice Cube scene. Early in the movie, when Samuel L. visits Cube in prison and asks, "Do you get
any exercise in here?" You can't help but think it's a rhetorical question. If the answer isn't obvious to
you at first, then it's more than hammered home later in the movie when we see Cube in a skintight
wetsuit. Who on earth thought it was a good idea to get a close-up of Cube's amorphous butt?
Speaking of Samuel L. Jackson, he's given some of the worst lines of the movie, the faux patriotic kind that
might've been written by Lee Greenwood, and he delivers almost every single one with the finesse of someone
coldly reading cue cards who has a contractual obligation to fulfill. His heart clearly isn't in it, and
therein lies his redemption. I'd have phoned it in as well.
You might as well go ahead and prepare to walk out of the theater dumber than you went in. Every time Ice
Cube spit out something like "truf" or "kick you in the teef" or "aidin' and abeddin'" I could actually hear
and feel gray matter dissolving. It kind of tickles, but in a scary way. I'd immediately try to think of
something intelligent in an effort to minimize long-term damage. So naturally, I'd reflect on some of my
past reviews. I recommend you take a similar route.
Still not clear on how bad this movie is? Well, maybe you should also take into account that one scene involves
Ice Cube setting a guy on fire and saying, "Hillbilly, you need to lighten up." Plus, he and his friends
(including non-actor Xzibit) jack a tank. That's right - a tank jacking.
This is just one of those movies that piles one layer of unbelievability on top on another. I have no problem
suspending disbelief, especially in regard to action movies, but there's no crane strong enough for this one.
Just when you think things can't get any more stupid you are proved incredibly wrong. It all crescendos
to the climax where Ice Cube is driving a car at about 220 mph, he jumps on a train track, gets tossed
around, maintains balance, the tires come off, he manages to keep the rims on the track (still going about
220), chases a train, and then stands up and starts shooting the train without the car losing control.
It is possibly the most ridiculous scene in an action movie that I have ever seen on the big screen.
I was laughing so hard that I almost choked on a peanut butter M&M that I smuggled into the theater.
You'd think that'd be it, but nope, we're THEN forced to watch a romantic scene with Cube. Wow, that really
didn't work out, did it? When his generic black female friend asks him how fast the car went, he tells her,
and I paraphrase, "Two twenty. Two twenty fie (that's "five" for you normal, English-speaking folks). But
it's only the second best ride of my life." Cue sappy music, the two lock lips, and I reach for my trusty
yellow bucket before my dry heaving turns into something a little messier.
Then, just as you're waiting for God to shine His mercy upon you and allow the credits to roll, the President
tops off this cheese sundae by quoting Tupac Shakur. No joke. Ice Cube (who used the quote earlier in the
movie) exclaims, "He stole my line!" and then shakes his head. Don't worry, Cube, you aren't the only one
shaking your head. For the only time in the movie, the audience can actually relate to you.
If this performs well at the box office, then we might as well all prepare ourselves for a third installment
once again starring Ice Cube: XXX^3: X Cubed - Bringin' Da Chub.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Budget: $118,000,000
- The original xXx grossed $141,204,016 at the U.S. box office.
- Here's a line that I moved from the original review to here: "Distinguished readers and fellow movie
marks, we are here to consider xXx: State of the Union. I have seen the movie, and the State of the
Union is NOT strong."
- "To take people from the music world and give them the same kind of credibility and weight that you give
me, Morgan Freeman, Laurence Fishburne, Forest Whitaker - that's an aberration to me. It's not my job to lend
credibility to so-and-so rapper who's just coming into the business. I know there's some young actor sitting
in New York or L.A. who has spent half of his life learning how to act and sacrificing to learn his craft, but
isn't going to get his opportunity because of some actor who's been created."
You know who said the above quote? None other than Samuel L. Jackson. The fact that this movie stars TWO
rappers lends further credibility to my "contractual obligation" theory.
- Vin Diesel, the star of the original, is muscular.
- Ice Cube is fat.
- If you'd like to read more of Johnny making fun of Ice Cube and his stupid lip curl, then please read his
popular Torque review.
- Ice Cube was in Friday with Tom "Tiny" Lister Jr. who was in Posse with Stephen Baldwin who was in
The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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There's a handful of profanity including one f-bomb, at least a couple of G-D**n's, and several other salty
words tossed in just to offend mama. The most offensive thing about the movie is just how insulting it is
to one's intelligence.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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If you watched the trailer and had high hopes for a really good movie, then your standards are much, much
lower than mine.
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THE GIST
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The original xXx wasn't a great movie, but it was enjoyable in a "check your brain at the door" action movie
sort of way. Well, xXx: State of the Union takes this to a whole new level. Brain-checking isn't
enough. You're gonna have to go for a full lobotomy if you want to see this one. It almost feels as if
the goal of the movie is to actually kill brain cells. If you ignore my warnings and still see it, then I
highly recommend that you read a book afterwards. You're going to want to regenerate some of those lost
brain cells as quickly as possible. Even a Mad Magazine will suffice.
If you can somehow see it for free with about three or four friends and create your own jokes, then go for
it. Otherwise, you'll want to avoid it.
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