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Movie Review - Yours, Mine, and Ours (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Raja Gosnell |
| Starring: |
Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo, and a bunch of kids |
| Rated: |
PG (for some mild crude humor) |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Family/Comedy |
| Tagline: |
18 kids. 2 families. 1 force of nature. 0 laughs. (I added the last part) |
| Studio: |
MGM |
| Website: |
Yours, Mine, and Ours |
| Release: |
November 23, 2005 |
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PLOT
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Dennis Quaid is a widowed, regimented Coast Guard Admiral. He has eight children. Rene Russo is a widowed,
free-spirited handbag designer. She has ten children. Connected by their high school sweetheart status, their
paths cross once again in a contrived fashion typically reserved for really bad Lifetime movies starring Tracey
Gold.
Before you can say, "Man, this movie blows," Quaid and Russo rekindle their love, marry, and find out that
attempting to mold two diametrically opposed groups of children into a peaceful, cohesive family unit can prove
to be painfully unfunny for movie audiences. The absence of the funny ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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"I'd rather be watching a funeral."
That quote, stated by Stephanie after watching Dennis Quaid get hit in the head for about the 18th time, serves as
a strong indictment of this most unnecessary of remakes, but sadly it's one of the nicest things one can say about
the film.
Easily one of the 10 worst movies of the year, Yours, Mine, and Ours should be more aptly titled Suck,
Suck, and Suck. Is there still a market for movies that feature little more than a bunch of young kids
eating tons of sweets, splattering a house with paint, and hating each other? I figured such uncreative antics had
run their course, but perhaps I was wrong. Or perhaps the people involved with this production simply had no
better ideas.
"Were the writers even trying?" Stephanie asked me as Dennis Quaid got splattered with paint, fell in a pool of
goo, and then tripped over a flatulent pig that, of course, eats at the family dinner table. "No, they weren't,"
I replied as I stared dumbfounded at the screen, shaking my head over the fact that the writers expect us to
laugh about kids vomiting and then falling in it.
I suppose I should commend the movie for warning the audience right away just how bad a time they can expect to
have if they attempt to sit through the full 90 minutes. If the "Nickelodeon Films" moniker fails to send up any
red flags, then the fact that Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo (possibly the hottest 51-year-old woman on the planet)
meet, rekindle their high school relationship, get engaged, get married, and buy a brand new house all within the
first 10 minutes should seal the deal that it's in your best interest to sprint to the exit and ask for your money
back.
There are two legitimately funny scenes in the movie, one involving Dennis Quaid brushing his tongue. Everything
else has been done several times with equally unfunny results. "Oh look, Dennis Quaid's son has accidentally
started up a forklift at the store! Oh look, Dennis Quaid just jumped on the forklift and his head is bumping
against every box in the store! Oh look, Dennis Quaid's credibility can actually be seen leaking out of the
screen!" That's what's considered funny these days?
And just when you think things can't get any worse, the writers decide to blindside us with an ending so
ridiculously sappy that you'll be wishing you brought your trusty yellow bucket and you'll pray for an end
to your dry heaving. I officially hate lighthouses now.
I suppose 10-year-old girls might enjoy this, but if you value your time or money then I recommend that you stay
away. Far away. This is a movie so the opposite of hilarious that I'm forced to come up with a new word for it -
lolarious (pronounced "low-larious"). Feel free to use the word amongst friends. Hopefully its popularity will
spread and it will one day be added to the dictionary. At least then I could say one good thing came out of the
film.
As it stands, Yours, Mine, and Ours ain't mine, I'm pretty sure you don't want it to be yours, and if we
made it ours then we'd only end up arguing over who would be the one to get rid of it.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Remake of the 1968 movie of the same name starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda.
- In a year filled with remakes, if you're looking for the most unnecessary remake of them all then look no
further than right here.
- Dennis Quaid was in The Alamo with Jason Patric who was in The Lost
Boys with Corey Feldman who was in The Goonies with
Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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"It's safe for the whole family!" is the nicest thing I can say about the movie. Please note I did not say, "It's
*fun* for the whole family!" My mama didn't raise no liar (double negative usage is intentional). The only thing
that'll be offended is your intellect. Granted, you will not want your children to mimic many of the antics of
the children in the movie, but I should hope that you've taught them well enough to know that slinging paint all
over the house is a no-no.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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For some reason the trailer showcases some of the movie's stupidest moments. It lets you know right away that
you can expect Dennis Quaid having a go at slapstick. I wish I had watched the trailer before seeing the movie.
I would've skipped the screening. It wasn't even worth it for free. If this looks funny to you then we have
wildly different tastes when it comes to humor.
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THE GIST
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God told us to love one another. He didn't say anything about loving movies. Therefore, I think it's safe for me
to say I hate Yours, Mine, and Ours without feeling guilty about it. If your kids want you to take them to
see this then do your best to find an excuse or come up with an alternative.
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