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WWWP - It's a Movie, Not a DVD Commentary Tryout

Johnny Betts This article may apply to some people who know me. You may have met me at a screening, and I might have mentioned my website to you. You may even be a huge fan of my website. So if this article applies to you, then you may get your feelings hurt a little bit. You may take it a bit personally. Being the sensitive guy that I am, let me just say - too bad.

There has even been some question whether or not I should write this article. After all, I know some people to whom this article *does* apply. Is there a chance this article could potentially offend a few of my readers? Yep. But you know what? It ain't my job to worry about not offending people; it's my job to speak the truth and do *my* part at attempting to make a change. So if you read this and think, "Hey, I do that, is he referring to me?" then here's hoping it'll plague you with a guilty conscience and teach you to shut the pie-hole up. I refuse to sacrifice the truth for somebody's feelings.

But after thinking long and hard about this, I've come to realize that maybe people aren't as annoying as I think. Maybe, just maybe that annoying guy sitting next to you, talking the entire time, thinks he's helping you enjoy the movie more by providing his Socratic insight. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of moviegoers just feel expected to do too much. That's right, I'm giving all you obnoxious ones the benefit of the doubt. So I write this article not to attack you, but to make *your* movie experience a better one by removing unnecessary burdens from your shoulders. As a service to you, allow me to inform you that it is NOT your responsibility to:

  • Alleviate tension in a horror movie by telling jokes. You see, some of us would actually like to be scared, so it's quite unnecessary for you to try to lighten the mood. For example, if there is a creepy knock on someone's door, then don't feel pressured to yell out something like, "Strip-o-gram!" or "Pizza delivery!" I know this probably goes over really well in your own mind (which explains why you're laughing so hard at yourself), but the fact that nobody else is laughing at you just means your shrewd social commentary on door knocking flew over everybody else's head. Save yourself the trouble of sitting at home thinking up witty little one-liners.


  • Tell me the bloody obvious. Even though I appreciate you trying to help me better understand the nuances of blatantly obvious occurrences, I can usually figure them out for myself. Recently, I was sitting next to a guy who, upon realizing a character was dead, said aloud, "Dead as a dodo. Dead. As. A. Dodo." Then he looked from side to side to see how many people were dying of hilarity. No one was cracking a smile. So avoid sharing such observations and you'll be spared the embarrassment of nobody laughing at you. But don't worry, the only reason they're not laughing is because they can't comprehend your brand of unfunny humor.


  • Make your own sound effects. I'm pretty sure most movies budget quite enough money for sound effects that your fart noises and other oral effects aren't really needed. For example, if you're watching a horror movie and a character is walking in a dark hallway with a light bulb flickering, please don't make electricity noises. I know this will come as a complete shock to you, but it doesn't enhance my viewing enjoyment. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you could capably give Michael Winslow a run for his money, but I'm just one of those guys who'd prefer that you not put on a little show. Instead, make a CD featuring your sound effects talent, and I'll be sure not to buy it.


  • Provide running commentary. No one from DreamWorks is in the audience, so why are you acting like this is a tryout for DVD commentary? To be perfectly honest, your one-liners and trivia tidbits aren't welcome by most people in the theater. I know who Bill Pullman is, so I really don't need you to shout out, "Hey, that's Bill Pullman, the guy from Independence Day." I hope you're not expecting me to thank you after the movie. Granted, you obviously provide an excellent alternative to IMDb, but I just hate to see you do all that work when somebody else has done it much more extensively. I'm just trying to help you avoid reinventing the wheel.


Keep in mind, you do have *some* responsibilities:

  • Sit down.


  • Shut up. If you want to whisper something to your friend or wife, then that's fine, but when I'm sitting four seats down and can still hear you, then you're too loud.


  • Watch the movie.


  • Practice what you preach. The other day I was sitting next to a guy who was talking the *entire* movie, dropping little cute one-liners and sound effects every chance he got. Then at two different points in the movie, some ladies at the end of the row started talking loudly. I admit, it was very annoying. But what shocked me was when Mr. Running Commentary yelled out, "Shut up! Sheesh." Dude, the world's biggest hypocrite called, he wants you to stop impersonating him.
So please, keep all these things in mind to help you, and everybody around you, to have a more enjoyable movie experience.

Don't get me wrong; I don't mind a little audience participation. Laugh, cry, clap, whisper to your friend, scream. But for example, if you're watching a scary movie and you want to scream, just don't scream, then laugh about it for a minute, and then for another minute discuss with your friend how that scared you and made you scream. When an entire theater does this it makes for quite a chaotic scene.

I know for some of you the local movie theater is your chance to dazzle everybody with your comedic talents, but I'm sure if you do a little research you can find someplace in your area with an open mike night. So check into that, give it a shot, and after you get booed off the stage maybe you'll be ready to watch a movie again, only this time a little dash of humility might keep you a bit more quiet.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!

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