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Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man - A Movie Mark Original

Tagline: He is one tough cookie.
Cast: Steven Seagal, Jared from Subway, and Nick Nolte

Chock-Kill-Ate-Chip Cookie Man

In the Tradition of The Gingerdead Man

In an ingenious – albeit unconventional – casting decision, Jared from Subway plays Jared – a kid who has been a loser his entire life.  His face is so pocked with acne that kids in school called him “Chocolate Chip Face.”  Even his parents are embarrassed of him.

Fed up with his unfavorable lot in life, he goes to visit a woman who is said to have mystical powers.  After their meeting, she gives him a batch of “special” chocolate chip cookies that she instructs him to eat before going to bed.  He does as requested and the next morning he wakes up and looks into the mirror to see that his entire head has literally been transformed into a chocolate chip cookie.

He overcomes his initial anger once he realizes that he now has unearthly strength.  Unfortunately, he decides to use his new powers for evil rather than good and begins to kill every single person who he feels has contributed to making his life a living nightmare.

He starts with his drunken, no good, unemployed father (Nick Nolte) who never showed Jared anything except the back of his hand.  After noticing his son now has a cookie for a head, dad remarks, “You’re an even bigger loser now.  I knew you’d never amount to anything.  This isn’t a world for the Keebler-minded.”

Shaking his head in disgust at his dad’s horrific attempt to play off of the term “feeble-minded,” Jared replies, “A chip off the ol’ chock, eh dad?” in an awkward attempt at creating his own lame one-liner.

He kills his dad and leaves a note at the scene of the crime: “I’m all that and a bag of chips … chocolate chips.”  This becomes his calling card.

A burned out, down-on-his-luck cop (Steven Seagal) is assigned the case, and solving this string of murders is his last chance at redemption.  Will he burn this cookie monster or will he be the one who ends up overcooked?  Chip ensues.

Climactic Scene: After hunting down the Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man and forcing him to hole up in an abandoned cookie factory, Sergeant Seagal offers Jared a deal.  But Jared ain’t biting.  “Your half-baked ideas insult me,” he yells to Seagal.

Noticeably tired from this ordeal, Seagal mumbles to himself, “I’m too old for this chip.”

Realizing his options are limited, Jared decides to make a run for it out the front door.  But Seagal is waiting for him with a hose hooked up to a fire hydrant filled with milk.  After turning the Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man into a gooey, soggy mess, Seagal strides over towards him and begrudgingly replies, “Looks like this finally took a Toll *pause* House on you…”

Fade to black.  Credits roll.  Seagal runs straight to the bank to cash his check.

Special Features: In the BAKING of Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man featurette, Seagal makes such career-defining comments as, “Believe it or not, this is actually the best and most cohesive script I’ve worked with in 10 years.”

Seagal also discusses how liberating it was to finally work on a movie with a title that wasn’t a prepositional phrase.

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